#sofiatheidiot

The last 6 months of 2017 was some of the hardest of my life. I found myself turning into someone I didn't recognize. The me that didn't care what others thought started to disappear. I began to hang on every compliment, every criticism. I became so hungry for attention that I latched onto who ever would give it to me. I had no love for myself and I wanted to give up so badly, but I thought if I could find someone else to see something of value within me, maybe I deserved to keep trying. 

Winter is usually really hard on me mentally but this was unlike anything else I’d ever felt. Where it was once depression ruling my mind, now anxiety had taken center stage. I started withdrawing from social media. All of my accounts are like graveyards now. I was so afraid of rejection that I stopped posting and when I actually did post, I would feel an immediate desire to delete. It didn't matter whether I left posts up or not. Anyone who used to treat me with kindness quickly forgot about me. The level of engagement I got felt like pity, people just interacting out of boredom or because they felt bad from seeing my pathetic story posts or cries for help on twitter. I became a pathetic shell of myself.

Looking back, I think it was a combination of a couple things. Namely, the loss of what i thought was a true friend, the second being some harsh criticism that made me feel like scum and like being me was a crime. Finally I know that my new position at work was taking a huge toll on my psyche and body. The amount of sleep I was able to get changed from 8 hrs a night to 5 if I was lucky. I couldn’t look into the mirror without crying. Everything I saw looking back at me was the opposite of what I wanted to be. Laundry began to pile up, like I was trying to bury myself. I started to rarely leave my bed. It didn’t help that I was exhausted from work and mentally, I saw no point in getting out. I’ve honestly never felt so fucking utterly alone in my short 25 years. 

I still feel this way and I’m really struggling right now. I think about giving up every day. I want to live, but is this living? I have no real connections. I’m working my ass off for a mediocre standard of living. I’m fighting everyday for my life regardless of insensitive comments from others who think they alone can decide if what I feel is real enough for me to say I want to die. Can’t you see that there is more than yourself in this world? But those arewords that I should say to myself as well right? There is an entire world outside of me, but here I am.

So hear I am, typing this after one of the first restful nights of sleep I’ve had in a while. Just thinking about my mind, my body and what I deserve and which people don’t deserve me. I want this year to be better. I want to stop being passive, I’m the pilot. This year will be about growth. Even if I can only manage a little bit. This year will be about being kinder to myself. This year will be about giving myself what I deserve.