#soffja

I really want to sleep but after all that happened lately I just can't. Not yet, not with all this mindblowing news to take in. I'm curling under my coat as some small beast hiding in it's burrow. Trying to take as little place as possible and to make as little noise as I can. Honestly I'm not sure I can really fall asleep being strained like this.

Oh, last time I was sleeping in a best place ever. In Sage's arms. For me it was last night. And for Sage it was like in a past life probably, six months ago. I'm not imagining those warm heavy arms circling me tenderly, I'm not, I swear. That was one of my first decisions here and I'm gonna die on this hill. I'm not slipping into those memories. The moment I catch myself I stop. Simple and clear. As simple and obvious as never touching bare wires or fresh wounds.

Certainly a memory comes to my mind the moment I think of wounds. Old scars on Sage's broad chest and flat stomach, those I know like a roadmap. Those I traced lovingly with the tips of my fingers, those I kissed countless times during one happy night. And new scars I've never seen before. Those that never healed despite his magic abilities. Those I cleaned today with a wet handkerchief feeling my heart beating achingly in my throat. Oh please, I have to stop. I NEED to think.

So. For him it was six months. Half a year passed in Astraea while the Astrolabe took me to Earth and back. Half a year Sage was hiding and fighting all alone thinking he saw me die. I fail to imagine it. The moment I thought he could die in that fight in the sewer where Gramme betrayed us my blood ran cold and I just denied that possibility not being able to stand it. Not even trying to guess what I'm going to do if I come back to Astraea only to find out Sage's dead.

He looks and sounds like he's not himself anymore but a monument of Sage made of granite. And yet a single look at him calms me, makes me breath deeper. He's alive. I can see him, follow him. I can touch his hand with my if I'm bold enough. If he doesn't pull away. No, no, I'm not slipping into those feelings too. Not recalling the sword-rouhg hands touching me so softly I melt. Not them cradling my face, not those hands holding my waist like for a dance when I'm stradling his hips... Oh no, I'm fine. I'm calm. I'm thinking straight.

I mean he was sure I died. And then I appear out of nowhere telling almost the same story as Grammy. I didn't die in a fight and I didn't mean to leave you there. It's all my relic. It saved me on it's own will. It took me away and I can't explain how exactly it worked. Damn. Literally the same story. Would I believe it myself? Now it seems to me Sage was too kind to assume me being a ghost. Not a traitor, a lier, or some sort of spy, but just a ghost.

Speaking of ghosts. Now I recall the day Sage told me what the war with Lord of Shadows was like. Even speaking of it was not easy for him. He said they lost people and then met them again. Only those lost and found changed. In a very special way. Suddenly I feel sick. A vision of my own dead body walking blindly through a dead town makes my stomach flinch. Sage had shown a totally reckless courage today so as not to immediately strike me with his sword. Or he wanted to see my face again more than he wanted to live and get his revenge.

I begin to wonder what he thinks of me now. Like not if Sage believes me, not if he trusts me after all. But if he at least wants to. If there are some logical reasons for him to believe in such a story. I could never blame him...

Oh how I wish I could just open my mind to him and show what I've seen. Like that time when we were poisoned by the purple fog and Astrolabe took me to his mind. And it would probably also be the best way to tell everybody what I learned about Grammy. But I don't think Astrolabe is some sort of a magic wand to make all my childish wishes come true. I take it I have to manage telling my important and pretty messed news to my comrades simply with words somehow.

I try to start phrasing it in my mind and curse. Like 'Grammy is an avatar of a crazy bastard from Earth who created a game about...' Damn.

'I thought Astraea was a fictional world I used to play...' Even worse.

'They are the same person and that one living on Earth created...' what exactly? And is he really living on Earth? As far as I know nobody'd seen him for years. Who's an avatar and who's a real person I wonder. And how am I supposed to tell an extremely important something if I'm not understanding it myself.

Like 'Listen, guys, I've heard a thing on Earth and now we've got even more questions. And I have no idea where to look for answers. And our lives and the life of Astraea itself depends on those answers'. Ew.

I'd really give a lot to be able to open my mind like a book and show my friends all that mess. To be honest, I'm exhausted of trying to figure it all out on my own.

But more than I need their help I need just to see them. To make sure they're ok. As far as they can be after all that.

I miss Anisa's small smile so encouraging and soft. I miss Felix's sharp and witty manner. And I really need his big brain here to make sense of all this chaos together.

May be Tulsi's gonna throw a knife at me or a piece of durty cloth at least 'cause I know that's how she uses to deal with lost and found asshats. But I really don't mind. I hope she's still like that. Like I remember her. Sturdy and cheerful enough for this crazy world.

And I strongly hope Elowen survived that day. I never asked Sage and I don't think he knows anything about her. He'd probably tell me if he did.

I think of Sage staring back at me in silence, his lips curling into a thin, sharp line. His single eye piercing me through.

How could he imagine me being afraid of HIM. I want to hug him so badly. To wrap myself around his tired shoulders, to press my face to his warm back. And he can stay still and avoid my gaze and keep silent all he wants. I will just be there for him.

But what if space is really what he needs? I'd hate to hurt him more. To make him uncomfortable even one bit more. I swear I'll be the most patient. As long as it takes. I won't force him to anything. Wont become one more burden. Wont complain.

I still can feel that electricity. When our fingers laced together. So shy and gingerly. So sweet. I wish I was ilephta myself and had a tail. To curl gently against Sage's big frame. To touch him as if accidently, absently, not knowing what I'm doing. Like Sage used to do when we were slowly getting to know each other. When were happy.

I imagine myself discovering I've got a cat tail and trying to tickle Sage with it and not knowing how to control this new part of my body. And I can't help smiling in the dark.

I hope it's still readable despite being written in my own sleepless mode. If you have something to say don't hesitate, write it please. I feel like editing it after I get my sleep at last. For typos at least. Any notes, comments and questions are highly appraciated.

Nothing feels right and nothing feels even real these days. The war goes on, my motherland is fighting. I do my best as a volunteer here in Poland. Luckily at least I always can translate for people not speaking Polish or English. So many people escaping from war need support here and now. At least I can try and take care of their first needs.

Ngl I'm feeling to small and weak every damn day. I know it's natural and I know I must not let it overtake me. Though even being honest to myself is not that easy now. Every morning I need a few seconds to remember what's going on and to make myself take it in. I have nightmares often. Sometimes catch myself trying to fool myself, to forget, to get distracted.

Routine helps a lot. Also reading helps a lot as it always did. Like many others I feel guilty for being safe, for having small nice things and some good moments. I know a lot about this psychological mechanizm of course. But still it works.

Came here to thank everyone for posting cute and curious stuff that helps me to get distracted for a little while and get better. And to apologize for sharing such terrific things lately in this once funny blog made for my favourite LL-related stuff. And also I came to vent.

First I thought I'll never be able to post something not related to the recent events in Ukraine. But now I feel like I need this stories and pictures, the characters and memes and other people's opinions and theories, comments and reactions to stay sane. It's probably my way of taking a break to be able to go on.

Thanks a lot to this fandom for existing, you're the best guys. I sometimes catch a feeling of being at home here. Messing around with silly jokes about a certain catman, a certain goth mage and a knight lady in a shining armor. That feeling is priceless. And thanks to the devs who created the door for us to sneak into.

Even if my very favourite story, Last Legacy ends like this stopped unfinished it already made me happier and will always be a part of me.

This is my friend's house in Kharkiv today. I used to hang out there a lot tea-partiing, chatting and sewing our historical costumes for festivals. My friend leaved the house just in time with her cat and one backpack. She's alive and never giving up.

Can't believe a year passed! A year with Sage always making me smile and feel better. Here's my lil self indulging story where MC tries to tell Sage ab their feelings using a congratulation as an excuse. The name, the gender, any MC's features are never mentioned so that one can read it as a story about one's self. As if it was YOU greeting Sage this evening in a noisy bar with friends and strangers.

I know the amazing authors who created him for us can't read the fanfiction at least before their story's fully released. And I'm not sure they'd ever like to read any of this. But I'm pretty sure I'd love to share a birthday cake with them. And with a certain rowdy catman, obviously 😼

I'm not ready for the new Sage chapter. I waited desperately for it. And still I'm not ready at all. Not because of that scaring and intriguing pic devs had shown us today. But because I want to change my choise. It's my very first time. I was always so sure making choises in Sage's route. But this one had broken my heart. And then it almost ate my mind from inside. And I went on thinking about it all the time.

Now I'm sure I want to replay it. I'll go and tell him yes.

I'll kill you if that is what you really want. You can count on me, love.

So very curious if I'll hesitate and feel bad again about that heartbreaking choice after reading the new chapter coming tomorrow. But I'm sure now. And after I tell him yes I'll be ready to face the new chapter.

2.

Tulsi guessed he's probably cleaning himself somewhere. Washing all the crud she said. I recall that sight. Sage covered with blood all over. Bright red on his lips. Dry and dark on his chest. Dripped from a wound that no longer exists. There is just a little spot of clean skin, smooth and unbrocken. Where Zenith pierced him. I reflexively clench my hands around the scabbard.

I thought I'd be sick of even seeing that sword again. I saw it going to take Sage's life. But when it appeared in Tulsi's hands I felt some strange relief. Like finding a lost piece of puzzle on the floor after hours of searching. And when she handed it to me, when I took it and promised to return it to Sage... it felt just right. It's weight calms me some unexpected way, makes me feel like everything's back at it's place. Good feeling not going to lie. Last days everything became a complete mess.

I catch myself imagining Sage again, his beautiful silver hair drenched with dark blood, his eyes hidden under that mess. I could not meet his gaze no matter how much I wanted. This memory hurts. What a fool I am to daydream of scary and painful memories. All I need is just concentrate and remember where that pool is. That one Sage had shown me earlier. With his eyes shining as always when Sage shares some place he likes. I bet he came there. The only problem is I'm not sure at all how to get there.

Speaking honestly I'm not even sure where I am now. The castle is much more big and tangled if you're not sneaking with Sage. He definitely has some unfathomable talent on finding spots and shortcuts. I can't help but stop and smile. Sage surely would laugh if I put it this way in front of him. UnFATHOMable talent for hide and seek in Fathom tower. He'd chuckle and give me THAT leer. Uh. Really, will he ever look that airily in front of me again? Will I see him smiling sheepishly, laughing carelessly the way he used to? That special his own way, so boyish and genuine. The most ennoying and adorable way I ever saw. I need to see him immediately.

Two things happen at the same time. I hear a splash and I almost fall down with my feet hooked in something laying on the floor. The last moment I manage to balance and stabilize. And this is when I see dirty clothes and pieces of armor thrown all around and a mysterious turquoise light reflecting on the seilings and one remarcably tall and also remarcably dirty boot curled under my feet. Looks like lost in my thoughts I somehow found my way to that pool I was looking for. And I guess I recognise those dirty pieces on the floor around. I pick them one by one coming closer to where the splashes were heard.

And am I not prepared for what I see. Not at all. Nobody could've blame me though. Sage is undressed with his marvelous hair unbraided, his skin wet, his eyes shining and his fangs sparkling in a pleased grin. He looks so naturally, so casually. Water drops on his chest and stomach shine and time after time suddenly tricle down the relief of his well toned muscles accentuating it with wet tracks. I wish I could draw him like this.

I shake my head and notice an impressive exhibition of uncorked bottles beside Sage. His ears perk as he raises to face me grinning wider. I can't help starting. No fresh wounds, only old scars. Without his red coat I can see more of those scars. They cross his body here and there like some cruel tracks of his past adventures.

And he's got more of those twin catlike stripes. A pair of strypes on his shoulder, another pair crossing his bicep, one more above his hip bone... Heck, I must stop staring. Sage smirks friendly. He says I finally found him, he offers me a drink. And I just stand there like a fool silently marvelling his features, learning them by heart. Till he asks what's there with my face. Damn.

He asks if I like what I see. I meet his eyes confidently.

"Uh, just thought it's a little strange"

His pupils pierce me.

"What's strange?"

"To think of it I never got to see your shoulders before. I mean I see your niples every day. But I never saw your shoulders till now. Isn't it a bit uncommon?.."

Sage burts into laughter.

"You can also show me a little more of you... Or just enjoy the water. It's really nice. And despite the fact you weren't in a hurry there are still some drinks left"

He notices all the things I carry.

"Oh, looks like you found my trousers, thank you, just put them... somewhere"

He shrugs and laughs genuinly.

I lower my burden slowly and carefully. Caring to place the scabbard with Zenith where it won't drop to the water. Then I pick some piece from that dirty pile and throw at him. I fail and it goes underwater with a popple.

"Hey!" Sage dodges giggling. "I meaned put it, not give it to me immediately!"

I pick another piece wich appears to be one of his boots.

"You're certainly glad to see me"

I throw better this time.

"Ouch!" He's clearly enjoying it.

"Better save your breath. An ancient relic couldn't kill me and now you try to finish the work with my old boot?"

That's it. I have no idea how I manage to get close to him in no time.

"You!.." My both fists land on his flat pecs. This time I hit him with no jokes. I can't even understand why suddenly my vision's gone so blurry. Why do my eyelids sting. What shakes me from inside. Why is my face all wet.

Tears burn their paths down my cheeks and futher down his chest. Sage holds me as tight as if one's life depended on it, his face concerned and guilty. He pats my back and holds my nape digging his fingers into my hair. He presses me to himself like he's going to crash me. I really don't mind.

"I thought you were dying for real" My hands graze his chest helplessly.

"I thought I was loosing you" I touch his neck, the damp curling strands of his hair falling down his collarbones.

"...so much blood. I had no idea one can survive loosing so much blood" I pet the thin scar on his jaw, my fingers trembling. Sage shivers. He closes his eyes. I pet his cheekbones with feather light touches. I think I stopped crying finally. But then it bursts out of me unstopable like some huge wave.

"Sage, Sage!.. You're alive... Unhurt..." My voice traits me. Simply dies in my throat. Only pathetic sobs left, weak and low.

Sage grips me silently holding his breath. He waits two heartbeats after I quiet down completely. Then his warm lips reach my forehead, touch my closed eyelids gently. Sage kisses lightly my wet lashes and the thin sensitive skin below my eyes. So very carefully. And then meeting no objections his lips press my cheeks just a little harder and warmer. Sage's mouth wanders all over my face gethering tears. The tip of his tongue is hot and almost dry.

I realise what the sound is. A very low purr soothing me, enveloping me in the most intimate, the most tender, the happiest feeling.

I could never tell how much time passed. Guess, I could've spent the rest of my life like that.

"Your feet!.." Sage whispers sharply.

At first I don't get what he's saying at all. Then I look down to see both of us standing in the pool ankle-deep. I notice Sage's long supple tail curling around my thighs. And unlike Sage I'm still fully dressed. My shoes are completely underwater. I look down and chuckle sheepishly.

"Let me!.." Sage loosens his grip on me to help me sit on the edge of the pool. Then he holds my left foot like some precious thing and takes off the shoe. He pours water out of it and puts the shoe on a dry spot near abandoned pile of his belongings.

"I can carry you from here right to your bed since your boots are all wet" Sage smirks at me repeating all the actions with my right shoe.

"What about your wet... everything?" Both of us chortle.

"Well... I'II think of it later. After we share this nice warm bath maybe" His big pointy ears stick out in different directions asymmetrically.