Okay, fuck this program and the ableist foundation on which it is built. Fuck these people I was admitted with and their cliques and sabotage and self-righteousness. Fuck the other people here who constantly talk about age and time like it's a marker of success ("oh, look at me, I'm the youngest person in the cohort!") without giving a fuck about how that makes everyone else feel. Worse yet, knowing how that makes others feel and doing it to raise themselves up. Fuck the audism that is rampant among my colleagues and kept me from the knowledge and experience I deserved this summer, and left me with new trauma. You know I don't use that lightly, but I can't think of a subject I used to love anymore without bursting into tears. I second-guess a dx that my doctor says and more importantly, me and my community say makes me Deaf and wonder about what every hearing person thinks of me now, esp professors. Fuck the ambition I once had of being in academia. I'd rather die than be part of this system. Do you think you can change it? Be the good professor? You can't. Somebody is hurting right now and you can't do a single thing about it because of bureaucracy or administration or lack of control or maybe you just don't want to anymore, because you've finally bought in. Fuck this feeling that makes me feel like there's no escape, because if I leave I'm a failure and if I stay I'm miserable. Fuck the people who say we're good about racism and sexism and queerphobia and ableism and a dozen other things, because on the whole we absolutely are not. And if you're sitting there thinking your program or department or whatever is, think about the group you aren't actually part of, and then think again. Even if you put yourself there, I guarantee you are missing someone. I thought I had a chance here. I thought it would be my everything, but it's taking everything out of me. If I make it, I don't think I'll make it with the love or drive for what I went in for in the first place.
