#soccer stuff

Making a listing the countries that will not be going to our great World Cup, because of last minute mistakes, or just failed to show up at the most important matches. These countries listed are typical in a World Cup or are teams I thought they would come back or even debut.

North Korea: Thought they would really come back to a World Cup for the funnies, playing in our country considering that they hate us to death, but they flopped badly.

UAE: Sad how they went out on Asian playoffs. Will be getting a jersey of this team, somehow. Irak will still have a chance.

Chile: 9 years ago, they were Copa America two-time back-to-back champion, failed to make it to Russia 2018. Qatar 2022 same thing and now this one too, they failed. Hope to see them in 2030.

Venezuela: They had high hopes to at least making it to the playoffs but losing the last match at home against Colombia; 3-6. And Bolivia getting it over them.

Cameroon: Screwed up so bad that they had to play in the African playoff lost by a country who played in a World Cup under a different name, give a country (Cape Verde) a debut.

Nigeria: Similar to Cameroon, they didn't show up and allowed South Africa to make a comeback since them hosting the games back in 2010. Got eliminated by the same team, DR Congo who had one more chance in the other playoffs.

Greece: The once European champions were once again not going to a major tournament since 2014, falling in an epic way in the Euro 2016 qualifiers, and trying to come to North America, they failed too in an epic way, small group but losing in important matches.

Iceland: Losing the playoff spot to Ukraine on the last matchday. Hate that it happened to them.

Hungary: Losing in the most super epic way against Ireland on the final matchday. Have their newest jersey with the qualifier patches. But I feel awful for them as they tried to return to a World Cup since Mexico 86.

Serbia: Super epic losing even the playoff spot against their bitter rivals Albania. Not even beating England twice. Better luck next time. In a way it would have been useless as being in the World Cup as Serbia they crashed out in group stages.

Georgia (the country not the state): How awful they were grouped with Spain and Turkey. Missing a World Cup where they have good talent and players in big clubs. Sad!

Guatemala: Haven't been to a World Cup before but they had good chances, didn't put up on them. Did make it to the Gold Cup semifinals before getting stopped by our great US team (we didn't win the Gold Cup tho).

Russia: They deserved to be or trying to get to our World Cup instead of being suspended and not even playing the last World Cup playoffs, Euros, Nations League, and this qualifying. During this they haven't lost a match in four years ... until they played against Chile. Of course, playing and even paying weak or mid teams to play against them.

Trinidad and Tobago: Had a golden chance to come back to the world's biggest stage since 2006 but fucked it up. Even more so, they weren't that great (no offence to anyone that lives there) and crash in group stages.

Honduras: Had best chances as they were first in their group but give that chance to Haiti, drew 0-0 with Costa Rica and are even out of playoffs.

Costa Rica: Very disappointed with this national team, had the best group, thought they would cruise and go to another World Cup. But no, screwed their chances during the third round. As a Mexican politician said in a lecture back 2017, "Insulting and unacceptable".

okay so I’ll set the scene... in my Clyde AU I have him a dad of 6 kids bc he can’t keep it in his pants.

also i imagine Kylo having a daughter, and her name is Violent Blood Ren (Violet for short)

Clyde had dragged all the kids to Laramies soccer game, even though your youngest was a newborn and the other girls didn’t give a fuck about soccer. And honestly you and Clyde had zero clue about the sport, but Laramie had made a friend at school and she was a soccer player so naturally she had to do it too.

Which is way now you, your four other daughters, newborn baby boy, and Clyde were camped out on the sidelines this saturday morning instead of being at home and sleeping in. The girls were either texting on their phones or playing video games, while Clyde was drinking a beer. Even though it was 10 am, but honestly I think he was just nervous to see how Laramie would do.

See Laramie was not your nicest daughter, to put it lightly. She was the first born, and made it her job to be the boss. Her and Clyde would butt heads all day because they are so stubborn and usually it ended with her storming to her room. So when she finally made a friend at school you were relieved.

That is until you met her, she had came over for a sleepover a few weeks back. She was very pretty, had long black hair that was braided at her crown while the rest of it flowed past her shoulders. She wore almost all black, aside from her backpack being red. When she introduced herself to you, you practically spat out your drink. “My names Violent, but you can call me Vi for short.”

“I’m sorry what sweetie?”

“Violent.” she smiled at you visicously, “My daddy said when I was born, I came out screaming and covered in blood. So he gave me a fitting title.”

“Oh,” you backed away from her and called Clyde immediately after that.

Now today was the first day you were going to meet Violents parents and honestly you were anxious to see who they were. Seated at the sidelines the girls took their places on the field, Laramie and Vi were aggressive players. Usually on defense but today they were working to box out the competition so their mates could score.

The match started and immediately got gruesome. Laramie and Violent were elbowing there way through to keep the ball. Passing it back and forth between the two. The referee called a foul on Violent for knocking a girl over, and from the far sideline you heard a man yelling.

“Open your fuckin eyes ref! That was legal!”

Okay, you thought, they are 13. No need to swear. But the man didn’t stop, now yelling at the girls. “Get your fucking shit together Vi or I’m gonna kick your ass!”

Clyde chuckled, “I think we found out who Mr. Ren is.” He sipped his beer and motioned to the man yelling. He was very tall, about Clydes height. With ebony hair and a very pale complexion, almost glittering in the sun. To say he was big was an understatement, he looked like he ate children for breakfast. Another strange thing about him was that he was in a full black suit, like he had just left a business meeting. Clyde looked over his shoulder, lifting his beer at the man. You saw Rens face scrunch up, before he stormed his way over to you.

As he approached you noticed that he had a jagged scar across his face. Covering his cheek and his right eye. “You know it’s inappropriate to drink around minors,” he hissed at Clyde.

Clyde just laughed again, taking another sip before standing up, “So is swearin’ to kick a little girls ass.”

His face flashed red, immediately grabbing Clydes beer and pouring it out on the ground. “It figured a hillbilly like you could bring alcohol to a child’s game.”

You winced, this was not going to end well. You shifted Clyde Jr. in your arms, whispering to Clyde to just leave it. But of course your husband had other plans, standing up to his full height in front of him. The man took a step back, eyes widening when he saw that Clyde was about the same build as him. But his face returned to stony quickly after. He glanced down at the four kids, before locking eyes with you. He purred, “Well well, what a beautiful family you have,” he stepped around Clyde. Approaching you as he grabbed your free hand. Gently bringing your knuckles to his lips, “And who might this angel be?”

You choked, retracting your hand, before you could speak Clyde grabbed the mans shirt. Pulling him back, “Don’t y’ touch my wife.”

He chuckled, “Now now, we don’t want to cause a seen in front of the baby. Do we hick?”

Suddenly the refs blew their whistles, calling a timeout on the field. Laramies head swiveled over to her family and her face paled. “Shit,” she whispered, grabbing Violents pony tail. Yanking her over towards the scene. “Oh fuck,” Violent spit.

Both girls came running over, as Clyde and Violents dad were chest to chest. Both threatening at the other to make the first move.

“Daddy!” Violent screeched, grabbing his wrist and pulling him away.

Both you and Clydes eyes widened, this monster was actually her dad? His little girl had been to your house multiple times and she spoke of him frequently. But this is not who you pictured. “Daddy, this is my friend Laramies dad, please don’t scare them away.” she begged, looking at him with pleading eyes.

“Oh,” he swallowed, taking a step back from Clyde and hoisting up his daughter. “I’m sorry princess, I didn’t know that this,” his eyes darted up at Clyde, “Was your best friends family.”

Violent wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a kiss on the cheek. He looked away in shame, “I apologize, I’m Violents father. Kylo Ren.”

You cleared your throat, giving him your best smile, “It’s alright, we’re the Logan’s. Laramies family,” you gestured towards all the kids.

Clyde looked at you with pride, before turning to Ren with an outstretched hand. “Nice t’ meet y’ Mr. Ren, M’ Clyde.”

Ren dropped Violent, allowing her and Laramie to rush back onto the field. He took his hand cautiously, both of them staring each other down with scowls. That is until a smile broke out on Rens face, as he began to laugh. “I’m glad Vi’s found a girl that can match her energy.”

You snorted, “Laramie is a little devil.”

Ren hummed, smiling back at you, “Well that’s better than mine, she used to get in trouble for biting people.”

Clyde laughed, “Laramies done that too, don’ know what got into her.”

Ren looked back at the field, crossing his arms over his chest, “At least she’s didn’t wear vampire fangs when she did it. I cant tell you how many checks I’ve written to parents to not sue,” he sighed, “But that’s what you do for your kids.”

You smiled at Ren, he seemed to be a genuine man. Just trying to take care of his daughter. You piped up, “Where is Vi’s mom? Ive never met her.”

Ren smirked, “Probably in France getting railed by some random men.”

Silence.

Clyde cleared his throat, reaching down into his cooler, “Hey Ren.” He grabbed out two drinks, “Want a beer?”

Okay I'm going to lump this in with this ask because I'll be addressing some wild predictions here

Vlatko has been trying a lot of things with his camps in a hell of a weird year, and it's worked out so far! Good prospects are getting senior call ups, the experienced players are also getting to guide the newbies, and he's developing some interesting strategies that separate him from the Jill Ellis era.

I'm not going to speculate too much on the WC roster because we don't know what players will be retiring from international duty/from the sport in general. I can think of a few whose replacements are reaching their peak so, it depends on how that ends up working out.

The Olympics though are around the corner and do leave me with a bit more speculation room so let's see. Don’t forget the problem with the Olympic roster is that teams are only allowed 18 players instead of the WC and other tournament’s 23. So, here we go (look for the bold if you want to skip my reasoning):

Goalkeepers (2): Naeher is definitely the undisputed number 1 but it does come down to who's going to be the alternate. AD's injury couldn't have come at a better time because well, nothing of note happened in 2020. I do think, and don't yell at me for it, that Ashlyn Harris is done in the NT. She's just too unpredictable and with the team being used to Naeher's more classic goalkeeping, she wouldn't make a good alternate. Plus Naeher doesn't need a security blanket anymore so, yeaaaah. I definitely think, if AD gets healthy in time for Jan camp, that it'll come down to her and Bledsoe. Campbell is great for PKs but I don't know that with roster limitations she'd be my pick, she reminds me too much of Ashlyn and I don’t love that shit. So I would end with: Alyssa Naeher and Adrianna Franch. With Audrey Bledsoe competing for that number 2 and Jane Campbell on standby in case of crazy injury happenstance. 

Defenders (6): as sad as it is for me to say it, Ali Krieger also seems to be on her way out of the NT too. Experience is important but the CB position has been pretty covered by Dahlkemper and Broon. If the roster had more room I would definitely pick her, but with only 18 spots it's hard to make that choice for a player that isn't International 90min fit. IF Kelley can stay healthy I'm sure she's a shoe-in. Sonnett, despite what other people might say, is a solid choice for me. She can play up the bounds like Dunn and KO do, can switch sides if needed, and would in my opinion be a better choice for RB than Midge (again with the midfielders becoming defenders bs from this fucking team). Tierna would also be a good choice if she can stay fit, which is the problem with more than one NT player. If you had to ask for my 6 it would be: Becky Sauerbrunn, Abby Dahlhemper, Kelley O’Hara, Emily Sonnett and Crystal Dunn. If O’Hara is injured I would have Midge Purce, Tierna Davidson and Casey Short as backups in that order (with Ali Krieger being the very last choice of backup I would bring)

Midfielders (6): There are some obvious shoe-ins here, Lindsey Horan and Sam Mewis. Assuming Rose can stay healthy she would also be a surefire midfielder for me, and if she does get injured and it’s not too serious she’d be a good late miunute sub (and we can all say that’s a toss-up with how often the poor kid is out with injuries). That leaves at least 3 spots where there’s a lot of what-ifs. Andi Sullivan has been out with an injury, again luckily in a year where not much happened, but I would still pick Julie Ertz over her. Christen Press would obviously be an easy choice, again assuming that the weird injury she picked up gets managed. Finally, I think that despite being a little older than some of the prospects, Kristie Mewis will earn herself that last spot IF she can keep the momentum she has going into Jan camp. I don’t see her slowing down so that might just pan out. Catarina Macario is a big IF, assuming that FIFA waives her waiting period, so she would be the person who would take Kmew’s spot, but I still think it would be a risky thing to bring in such a young player without any caps straight to an Olympics run. That would mean my midfield picks would end up with: Lindsey Horan, Sam Mewis, Rose Lavelle, Julie Ertz, Christen Press, Kristie Mewis. Backups: Andi Sullivan (my pick to go over Kristie if she’s healthy AND can match her momentum), Catarina Macario and Jaelin Howell would stay on standby in case of injury. 

Forwards (6): Alright we all know that, unless there’s a major catastrophe, an intervention from your Deity of choice, a career ending injury or a unplanned pregnancy (an impossibility for one of these 3), Carli Lloyd, Alex Morgan and Megan Rapinoe will be on this roster. Tobin is also a pretty solid shoe-in for this roster, again barring something outside of everyone’s control. That leaves 2 spots. One of those is likely going to Lynn Williams, because as long as she can provide assists the way she’s been doing (If I’m not wrong she had the highest rate of assists this year), she’ll have a spot on this roster because speed and pass ability is high even if her individual opportunity success is NOT. The final spot is a bit up in the air for me, so bear with my reasoning for a second: Mal Pugh’s injury record sours her for me here. Unless she can come back super healthy and keep up with the team, I don’t see her in this roster. Assuming a spot is left open, and Vlatko can quit it with the defender shit, Midge Purce would fit really well here. She’s a great winger, she can play in the midfield, and kid has great stamina. That would also leave Sophia Smith as my final choice, with the same reasoning I had with Macario except for the waiting period thing. She’s really young, didn’t start on the right foot due to an injury, but would definitely benefit from international experience, and seems to be on the right path to healthy. My forward picks would end up in: Carli Lloyd, Alex Morgan, Megan Rapinoe, Tobin Heath, Lynn Williams, Midge Purce (assuming Mal is still injured AND she’s not picked for the defense). That would leave: Mal Pugh and Sophia Smith on standby for injuries (with maybe someone like Ashley Hatch or Bethany Balcer in case Mal AND Sophia get injured, or Midge is picked for defense and more backups are needed). 

Now, don’t anyone get angry at me. That’s just the way I see things panning out and the way I think it might work out. Again this is barring injuries, things outside everyone’s control, retirements (which I don’t think will be announced unless there’s a career ending injury), how players are recovering from their injuries, and FIFA rulings on Macario’s waiting period. 

Oh I like this!

So, it's not called an Olympic goal because it first came around in the Olympics, and actually most of the goals are named after their player or what they look like. In this case, the Olympic goal is named after that time Cesáreo Onzari (an Argentinian) scored an unaided corner kick against then Olympic champions Uruguay, hence Olympic.

What Y'all call the "bicycle kick" is also known as a Chilena in Spanish (or the Chilean) which ironically didn't come about from a Chilean player, but a basque guy named Ramon Unzaga who's been attributed the title of first person to score a chilena, in Chile ofc. (Peruvians however claim it was invented in Peru and they call it Chalaca)—a lot of people say that it's the most creative wonderful thing Chile has given to the world of fútbol and i think it's hysterical. (Lindsey Horan's almost goal with the Thorns for reference)

Uh, this isn't a goal but the scorpion kick is also something cool and popular that doesn't happen often, this one is for goalkeepers. Big ups to my country because the one everyone remembers came from Rene Higuita, who we dubbed "el loco" (yes, the crazy one). I literally cannot explain it with words so have a gif (the fact that he did this in a game against England is its own brand of great. And since I hate the men's English team-and the girls are in hot water tbh-it's extra wonderful for me)

There's also the rabona kick, which Y'all know as the cross-kick, when someone kicks a ball to goal or as a pass by crossing their right foot behind their left foot and kicking. I know for a fact I've seen this done by a player in the uswnt but I cannot remember which one or what game, so have a Lewan gif. This one gets its name from another Argentine, Infantino. Rabona means to skip school, and since his name kinda sounds like infant, the newspapers called it the infant playing hooky when it happened. It also supposedly refers to a cow's tail swinging, which is the other meaning of rabo (meaning butt, lol)

There are some that are very literal and not named after people but after what they resemble kind of? Like cucharita is a spoon goal, or when a ball is lobbed into the goal so it goes over the goalkeeper but slow enough that it looks flicked into the goal and fast enough that the keeper can't backtrack fast enough to jump and get it. (kind of like a chip pass, which literally means you lob the ball to get it to fly over or "chip, barely touch" a player). (Carli Lloyd's goal against Japan for reference)

There are a lot of goals and it's at least part of what makes English commentary so boring for Spanish speakers, we have very creatively named things with rich histories and Y'all are more straight forward BUT I hope this is a good look into the history of the sport?

If you can believe it, I've been itching to answer this for hours now but I ran into a stupid technical difficulty (my phone encountered a wall and now the touch sensitivity is nonexistent, it's a ride).

BUT I LOVE THIS QUESTION BECAUSE IT LETS ME VOICE MY FAVORITE GRIPE WITH THE USWNT.

I hate the 4-3-3 formation, so much. I hate it, I loathe it, I wish this damn team would change it up sometimes. In my unprofessional, amateurish and unwanted opinion, it constrains the team and its players way too much. It may have something to do with a spread out backline and more options uptop without relying on a single striker and it ensures the midfield is not left open BUT BY GOD Y'ALL.

NCC uses another one of my least favorite formations (4-2-2-2) but shit they do it for good reasons! The backline is still solid, and any gaps are covered by the defensive midfielders. It allows the strikers to get somewhat creative with their approach and the wingers and the midfield to feed them good balls without worrying about the backline too much. It wouldn't work for other teams because it requires an experienced and solid backline, really good conditioning and experienced strikers that work really well with a dynamic midfield. It's a testament of Paul Riley's training efficiency (yes I can't believe I'm heaping this much praise onto them but credit where credit is due bro)

A favorite of mine is a 3-4-2-1 (or 3-4-3 for consolidation), what my coaches used to call the diamond. It allows the midfielders to feed more balls to the front, it leaves the CDM holding the backline in a good place to prevent counters, it lets the wingers do their actual wing jobs, and it frees up the striker from having to play in the middle to focusing on turns and aiming to the goal. It's not great if your midfield doesn't have good endurance BUT it does help to extend the viability of the wingers and the striker (which is good when playing teams that make you work for every ball). PLUS it makes your #10 a part of the attack, it lets them be a playmaker, while letting the other midfielders and the CDM be in charge of recoveries. It also means you need a speedy and sturdy Left and right back that can cover the flanks while the CB and CDM recover and make plays through the middle. It makes for a more dynamic and exciting team.

A really unorthodox lineup I've seen is a 1-3-4-2 where the team intends on playing from the middle, and a bad pass means more room for the opposing team to stay onside. It's risky if you have a novice sweeper, but I think it would be interesting with the uswnt because Captain Broon is badass and she would be able to direct the backline efficiently to prevent those long passes.

It all comes down to how creative your team CAN get, how experienced your backline is, how much your midfield is trained to move up, how good your wingers are, if you have a real playmaker to structure a team around, and how much conditioning a team gets. If they run out of gas quickly, it's better to run with a 4 backline that can pick up the slack and a more robust midfield that can pull back if needed. That would be the 4-3-3 the uswnt is fond of, and I dislike for them because this team is much better than a safe line up.