it's odd to think of myself as an addict, maybe even addicted to the processes therein. and I still sort of think it will play out differently, even now. I'm not totally sure I even have a drug of choice, as is generally deemed conventional. I've had maybe three drinks total since sobriety and I don't miss it, every time I touch alcohol I get so anxious, I think about my liver failing.
every time I think: this is it, this will fix everything, it's all going to be okay now. it's all going to be so different. we were talking about harm reduction and he said "it's like a gambling addiction, but with your health." the common factor, I guess, is that each one runs my body into the ground a little more than the last.
drugs and eating disorders and alcohol and sex and drugs and men and alcohol, and my luck is always just about to change, and I live for the honeymoon period, when it's fun it's fun, it's too much fun and then when the fun drops off and it's just too much I stick around until I can't and I say "never again" and then I find something new. and my luck is always just about to change. I am always just about to find the thing that fixes things for real. and I guess that's not a good plan, and what makes me an addict (just a word and all), but I feel just feel so aimless, like what does one do when not self-destructing, I am, if nothing else, goal-oriented to a fault.