#soberish

Don’t forget to talk about your good days too. My therapist says she’s breaking up with me in October because she feels I’m doing really well in life. I’m okay with this. It’s been about two and a half years consistently seeing her at least once a month. I feel better equipped for life and it’s bullshit and good shit. It’s so interesting how you don’t realize your growth and accomplishments because we are with ourselves everyday. ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. EVERY. DAY.

I shared how during a recent event, I stood up for myself and made the event all about me instead of letting my parents make it about them. And boy did I get some push back about not allowing my parents to be more involved in the event. That’s fine- it’s about me. I kept it about me. My therapist was soooo happy when I told her how I handled the situation. She almost cried. She encouraged me to recognize the growth I’ve done in the past two years. I was broken when I started therapy. I wouldn’t talk (even though I felt I was sharing; I was not sharing), I wouldn’t cry (I stay crying now), I couldn’t articulate the things that were hurting me I couldn’t convey my feelings (now I have ALL the feelings and you will listen to all of them). I was moving through things in life because I ‘thought’ that’s how it’s supposed to be. I was consistently living in what I thought my parents wanted/would want/expect (and Ive been out of their house for 7 years) instead of living for me. What are my standards. What are my morals. What is my ‘why’?

We touched on my parenting and how I am parenting the way I wanted/needed growing up. Equipping my child with the emotional tools for life. Allowing feelings to be shared creating a safe space for dialogue/questions/expression. My therapist praised me today (she also drags me when needed). She asked me to mediatate on how far I’ve come. Wow. It’s powerful to see the results of this hard work and dedication to ME. IT DID NOT COME EASY. I wanted better and I kept pushing - especially mentally. I’m basking in my current results.

The past few days have been unrealistically wonderful- but I’m accepting it and looking forward to more days like this. I’m happy. Life is good. I’m feeling more fulfilled and purposeful in my day to day.

Depression has been my norm for so long it doesn’t feel ‘right’ to be happy. However, I have a right to be happy and I will stop returning to a place of darkness just because it feels ‘normal’. I will embrace my happiness and work to maintain this happiness while understanding and accepting life will be life.

I’m not sober, but I have reduced my alcohol intake SIGNIFICANTLY. The last two months I feel so many things have fallen into place that will support a more sober lifestyle. Sobriety is an entire lifestyle change and I’m finally moving in the right direction.