#sobadit'sgood

If you are a fan of bad movies, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky is essential viewing. This violent prison film is so over-the-top and features such obvious and terrible special effects that it's consistently hilarious. Watch the English dub to get the maximum enjoyment.

Ricky (Fan Siu-wong) is a super-powered, nearly invincible fighter sent to prison after avenging the death of his girlfriend (or is it sister?). The facility he's been sentenced to is no joke. Prisoners are regularly murdered by the ruling gangs (an easy task considering they all have ready access to several wood-working tools) and the wardens are using the prison as a front for illegal operations. It’s time for Ricky to take out the trash and that means killing a whole lotta people with his bare hands.

When I look for the “perfect bad movie”, this has got it all. The special effects are bad. If the gore had been rendered realistically, it would be traumatic to see. With its fake dummies that land on the ground with a thud, gallons of blood, rubber severed limbs, obvious makeup, inflatable prosthetic heads, visible strings, and embarrassing puppet mutants, this movie cannot be taken seriously. The story is so preposterous you couldn't even if the special effects were good. There’s really no plot; just an excuse to get Ricky from one over-the-top fight to the next. Characters are introduced just so they can be killed in an “emotionally impactful” moment or to explain something about Ricky’s past and then never show up again.

If you’re going to have a bad story, you better complement it with wooden performances and jaw-dropping dialogue. I can't attest to the quality of the original Cantonese script. For all I know it was Shakespearian in its prose and language. The English dub gives us such gems as “You’ve got a lot of guts Oscar!” A line that by itself sounds harmless, but when you keep in mind that it’s uttered after Oscar pulls out his intestines to use as a weapon, it’s something else.

Take five different people, make them watch Riki-Oh and they will all single out a different scene as their favorite. It might be the bald guy who clearly shaved the top of his skull to make it look like he's losing his hair. Perhaps the people's ability to pull 2-foot swords out of nowhere, or that no one seems to notice wooden boards donned with nails on the ground until they’re embedded in their faces. This movie’s fight scenes are like something out of Dragon Ball Z mixed with Mortal Kombat, but with infinitely flatter characters and action that always results in broken bones or a revelation that all along, they were just made out of bags filled with random chunks of meat and gore.

When you think Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki has gotten as crazy as it can, it once again tops itself. This is the kind of movie that you want to have in the background of your party because everyone who catches a glimpse of what’s going on will be amazed/baffled and will have a good laugh. I wouldn’t change a single eyeball popping, jaw destruction, X-ray punch, androgynous martial arts fighter, or exploding head. (Original English Dub on DVD, September 11, 2015)

Remakes - particularly horror film remakes - have a bad reputation but the 2006 version of The Wicker Man takes it to a whole new level. If you want quotable, memorable, laugh-out-loud hilarious, and utterly baffling, look no further. After seeing the 1973 original, I wondered what elements would be changed and updated by writer/director Neil LaBute. Seems he chose to take out everything which made the horror classic creepy and replace them with lots of bees, a conspiracy that makes no sense, and lines so bad no one could make them sound good.

Policeman Edward Malus (Nicholas Cage) receives a call for help from the fiancé who abandoned him years ago. The daughter he never knew he had has disappeared. Willow (Kate Beahan) believes her mother, Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn) intends on sacrificing the girl as part of a strange harvest ritual.

This film's madness creeps up on you. At first, there appears to be potential. A mystery to be solved, an island full of weirdos. Malus is a nice guy. He’s forgiven his insane ex-fiance and is coming to help her. Immediately, things are creepy. The island's men are treated like servants, all of the little girls dress alike. Willow is so brainwashed or traumatized she’s hardly any help. Then, slowly, the movie begins tossing nonsense and bad dialogue your way. The further you get in, the more ridiculous it gets until you reach the jaw-droppingly awful conclusion.

A great “so bad it’s good” movie requires a story that’s interesting, but straightforward enough that your audience can interject with witty comments without missing too much of the plot. You need memorable, quotable scenes to turn into inside jokes afterward. You need bad dialogue, lousy performances, and ideally, noticeable mannerisms you can imitate. Unconvincing special effects are a nice bonus. The Wicker Man has it all. Willow’s dialogue is comprised entirely of half-finished sentences while officer Malus has lines so awful they're legendary. After this film, bees will never be the same. You'll find yourself compelled to scream “No, not the bees. NOT THE BEES! Ahhh! They’re in my eyes!” every time you see them. What kind of movie could hold that kind of power? A glorious catastrophe.

What this story is really about is the world’s stupidest police officer trapped in the most convoluted, hackneyed, “100 things should have gone wrong but none of them do” conspiracy. Try and write down every factor that should've compelled Malus to act differently than he does. It’s one of those movies where you can’t guess the ending because the ending makes no sense. Only a madman would be able to think as Labute does. As a special bonus, odds are that if you get this movie on Dvd, it will be a double-sided disc. One side theatrical cut, the other an “unrated cut with an ending too shocking for theatres. What you want to do is play the theatrical cut. While your guests are recovering from that glimpse of madness, you eject the disc, flip it around and play the ending of the unrated version. You thought it couldn't get worse? It just did.

I'd tell you all about my favorite parts but the less you know about The Wicker Man before going in, the better. Nicholas Cage is a gem. He delivers an extreme performance. Even when there's no dialogue, he's so eye-poppingly loony you'll be making dozens of computer gifs just so you can watch them on a loop and laugh. He's bad but proves himself a good actor. It takes a special kind of talent and dedication to be able to deliver this dialogue with a straight face. I love the remake of The Wicker Man; it’s one of my go-to movies that’s “so bad it’s good again”. (Theatrical and Unrated Cut on Dvd, May 9, 2015)

It’s only January but I bet Serenity will be on 2019’s worst of the year list. It isn’t bad because it’s boring, poorly acted, or for any other “normal” reason. It has to be seen to be believed.

Baker Dill (Matthew McConaughey) makes a living taking rich tourists fishing for sharks, swordfishes or other aquatic monsters. Lately, he’s become unhinged due to his obsession with “Justice”, a giant tuna that keeps getting away. His Captain Ahab-like antics have pushed him to the edge of bankruptcy when his estranged ex-wife comes knocking. Karen (Anne Hathaway) wants him to kill her abusive husband Frank (Jason Clarke) for $10 million.

Serenity signals trouble right away. Every time we see Frank, he’s practically drunkenly screaming “I’m a psychopath”. He’s so evil you can’t believe Baker doesn’t feed him to the sharks just because. But the fisherman is so angry at his ex he's reluctant to do ANYTHING for her or their son, Patrick. Meanwhile, he’s living in a storage container and makes ends meet by sleeping with a woman (Constance, played by Diane Lane). Just take the money!

Then, there’s the camera movement. Numerous times, the screen will fly around in a way that recalls an early 2000’s action film. These and other details, such as the flashbacks/visions which hint at a psychic link between Baker and his son, and a mysterious man named Reid Miller (Jeremy Strong) who is always seconds too late clearly indicate something bigger is going on… but WHAT?!!!

You know a twist is coming. Too many elements are out of place. Djimon Hounsou plays the only “normal” person and even he doesn’t react the way you or I would. Perhaps Reid Miller is imaginary, or the Devil in disguise? Everyone's so broad and cartoonish you expect the picture to go black-and-white and for Mickey Rourke to start monologuing about Sin City. Except Serenity isn't self-aware. When it gets to its twist, you can practically hear writer-director Steven Knight congratulating himself. I’ll give Serenity this much: I’ve never seen a movie even try this stunt. At least this guarantees jaw drops and a mixture of disbelief and laughter. And the shocker comes halfway through instead of at the end - as if extra time would make it more acceptable.

Even if you accept the reveal, it doesn’t explain what happens afterward. It’s such a brain-swirler I kept expecting another reveal that Baker Hill had actually lost his marbles or something similar. Nope. We’ll just have to wait for the home release and listen to the director’s commentary to decipher what went through everyone’s mind when they said “YES!” to Serenity. It’s gloriously bad and won’t play the same once you know what comes next so if you enjoy stories that are so bad they’re good, just go see it. (Theatrical version on the big screen, January 29, 2019)

"Oh my god! That sounds so bad but I can't wait to read it!"