#katebeahan

Remakes - particularly horror film remakes - have a bad reputation but the 2006 version of The Wicker Man takes it to a whole new level. If you want quotable, memorable, laugh-out-loud hilarious, and utterly baffling, look no further. After seeing the 1973 original, I wondered what elements would be changed and updated by writer/director Neil LaBute. Seems he chose to take out everything which made the horror classic creepy and replace them with lots of bees, a conspiracy that makes no sense, and lines so bad no one could make them sound good.

Policeman Edward Malus (Nicholas Cage) receives a call for help from the fiancé who abandoned him years ago. The daughter he never knew he had has disappeared. Willow (Kate Beahan) believes her mother, Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn) intends on sacrificing the girl as part of a strange harvest ritual.

This film's madness creeps up on you. At first, there appears to be potential. A mystery to be solved, an island full of weirdos. Malus is a nice guy. He’s forgiven his insane ex-fiance and is coming to help her. Immediately, things are creepy. The island's men are treated like servants, all of the little girls dress alike. Willow is so brainwashed or traumatized she’s hardly any help. Then, slowly, the movie begins tossing nonsense and bad dialogue your way. The further you get in, the more ridiculous it gets until you reach the jaw-droppingly awful conclusion.

A great “so bad it’s good” movie requires a story that’s interesting, but straightforward enough that your audience can interject with witty comments without missing too much of the plot. You need memorable, quotable scenes to turn into inside jokes afterward. You need bad dialogue, lousy performances, and ideally, noticeable mannerisms you can imitate. Unconvincing special effects are a nice bonus. The Wicker Man has it all. Willow’s dialogue is comprised entirely of half-finished sentences while officer Malus has lines so awful they're legendary. After this film, bees will never be the same. You'll find yourself compelled to scream “No, not the bees. NOT THE BEES! Ahhh! They’re in my eyes!” every time you see them. What kind of movie could hold that kind of power? A glorious catastrophe.

What this story is really about is the world’s stupidest police officer trapped in the most convoluted, hackneyed, “100 things should have gone wrong but none of them do” conspiracy. Try and write down every factor that should've compelled Malus to act differently than he does. It’s one of those movies where you can’t guess the ending because the ending makes no sense. Only a madman would be able to think as Labute does. As a special bonus, odds are that if you get this movie on Dvd, it will be a double-sided disc. One side theatrical cut, the other an “unrated cut with an ending too shocking for theatres. What you want to do is play the theatrical cut. While your guests are recovering from that glimpse of madness, you eject the disc, flip it around and play the ending of the unrated version. You thought it couldn't get worse? It just did.

I'd tell you all about my favorite parts but the less you know about The Wicker Man before going in, the better. Nicholas Cage is a gem. He delivers an extreme performance. Even when there's no dialogue, he's so eye-poppingly loony you'll be making dozens of computer gifs just so you can watch them on a loop and laugh. He's bad but proves himself a good actor. It takes a special kind of talent and dedication to be able to deliver this dialogue with a straight face. I love the remake of The Wicker Man; it’s one of my go-to movies that’s “so bad it’s good again”. (Theatrical and Unrated Cut on Dvd, May 9, 2015)