#soap exits

So farewell then, Big Mo Harris, Off on a cruise with Fat Elvis, From which you will probably never return. I shall miss your dodgy deals and your one-liners, Your frequent piles updates, not so much.

So farewell then, Jags Panesar, Off to jail after being framed by your own mum, For a crime you didn’t commit. Everyone assumes you’re coming back, But I doubt the other Panesars will be around that long.

So farewell then, Tina Carter, Murdered by Gray Atkins, Because you guessed that he killed his wife, You died in an offscreen strangle, That we couldn’t see because of Covid restrictions.

So farewell then, Chantelle Atkins, Impaled on your open dishwasher,  After Gray pushed you and then left you to die, As hard-hitting storylines go, This is up there with that time Whitney was groomed by her step-dad.

So farewell then, Habiba Ahmed, Unexpectedly written out and bundled into a taxi,  On Thursday night. You had that affair with Honey’s bastard boyfriend, And that was pretty much it.

So farewell then, Bex Fowler, Off travelling the world after nearly dying from some bad drugs on the boat, Will you come back,  And will you still have the same face? I hope so.

So farewell then, Adrian Edmondson, Aka Daniel Cook, Dead from cancer just as Jean got the all-clear, You faked your death for some reason, But you were a breath of fresh air and will be missed.

So farewell then, Leo King, Crazy-eyed son of “Paedo Tony”, You hiding in the attic, And spying on poor Whitney, Was the creepiest thing EastEnders has done in ages.