#soac82party

This incessant poking is infuriating. I have been sitting upon the couch, intermittently gazing at the television screen and into the mirror, having a beautifully tranquil night filled, up until some little peasant wench has decided to poke and prod my royal ass. But I’m not turning around at this point, because that makes it seem like I actually care about whoever the hell this nobody is touching me. Just withdraw your greasy little fingers off of me, the art masterpiece in the museum. The signs all say no touching, so why in God’s (my) name am I being touched? Is a bitch blind? Sometimes I just feel like I need to invest in a glass case to surround myself with.

Now I’m hearing this annoying ass gurgling sound mixed with a humming that sounds extremely fucked up and not cute and melodious at all, like when I hum or do anything. I really don’t need this tonight. I’m trying to cleanse my body before the arena, so I look as beautiful as possible on the millions of cameras throughout it. I’m sipping on my cucumber water, with cucumbers on my eyes (they have small holes in them so I can still see myself in the mirror, obviously), a face mask smeared all over my already beautiful, supple flesh, and a plush white bathrobe.  I feel alive and iconic, this gross background music is not something I want to be hearing at the moment.

I begrudgingly peel the cucumber slices off of my eyes and swivel. “What the hell do yo-Holy fucking shit!” I exclaim. This is honestly the best case scenario. Here I am, looking at that little mindless hoe who I slyly avoxed on reaping day. This is so hilarious. I love when good things like this happen to me. See, this is the kind of thing I needed to lift my spirits and boost my confidence, even though it’s already dangerously high. Amazing.

“How has life been since I dragged you? Has it been a difficult adjustment?” I taunt.

He begins to make hand motions. “Yeah I don’t speak sign language, so you can stop, boo. Don’t waste your energy, and more importantly, my precious time,” I interrupt.

He looks so weak. So defeated. He’s had everything taken from him. His tongue, his life, his freedom. The change between two weeks ago and now has been so utterly drastic for him. It brings a smile to my luscious lips. I’m so proud of my impact. It’s truly one of those things that just makes my heart swell with pride, and my face light up with joy and radiate even more beauty than usual.

I wrap my arms around the gross human in a hug. “Thank you so much for being here. Now get the fuck away from me because you’re disgusting and smell like tuna. But you really made me feel amazing about myself. But also I can feel my sinuses deteriorating. So bye,” I say as I shove the hoe away.