#so...uh...long time no write ey

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At 1:45 Jessie is pacing the driveway outside Jay and Hope's house, his bike leaning haphazardly against the wall. Hope's car is parked up, but Jay's isn't, which means he is still dropping Hope off. This meant he still had time to decide to back out, to not tell Jay a thing about Kai and just have a guys' afternoon. To keep their lives simple, solid, and the same, instead of potentially throwing a truth grenade that could destroy his deliberately built life. Crumble his carefully constructed found family into nothing but dust. His stomach churned at the thought, anxiety both sitting like lead and simultaneously swirling in his gut.

'Catastrophising', he heard Kai's voice in his head. Of course he was, because that would make this going badly feel easier. Always expect the worst and you won't be disappointed, and if the worst doesn't happen, then it's a pleasant surprise. That's the mantra he's lived and sworn by as long as he can remember. The same way he remembers how few times in his life he's ever been pleasantly surprised. Jessie's life was a black hole that almost exclusively pulled in things just as dark as itself, with something light only slipping in once in a blue moon that always had the potential of being turned dark like the rest of it.

The sound of a car door closing beside him finally drew him from his thoughts. He hadn't heard the car pull up, but now Jay was walking up the driveway towards him. He wore his trademark smile, oblivious to the fact that Jessie could be about to destroy everything. The smile faltered as Jay got closer, and Jessie couldn't help but wonder just what expression his face was making.

"Hey. You okay? You look one minute away from a breakdown." Jay said, unlocking the door and motioning Jessie inside.

His voice died in his throat, so the best he could do was offer Jay what he hoped was a reassuring nod. After kicking off his shoes, he moved to the living room, taking his usual spot on the couch. When Jay came into the room, he handed Jessie a glass of water, and instead of taking up his normal spot beside him, he sat on the coffee table in front of Jessie. His expression was one he'd seen many times from Jay. Concern mixed with a wariness, eyes examining Jessie closely.

"So", his voice was soft, painfully soft in a way that Jessie never felt he deserved, "wanna try that question again? In fact, no. Let me rephrase: instead of 'Are you okay?', I'm asking you what's wrong. Because you are not okay."

Okay. This was it. This was the time to come clean. He had his speech prepared and several backup speeches prepared in case things went south. He'd rehearsed for this moment for two weeks. He opened his mouth, ready to lay it all bare. But the words that came out of his mouth weren't the words he'd been saying on repeat all morning. It wasn't the grand speech with a slow introduction to the confession. Instead;

"I'm sort of kind of dating but not dating Kai." The words tumbled out so fast that it was less of a sentence and more like one continuous word.

The silence that followed meant that Jessie had to look up at Jay to judge what the other man was thinking. Except he couldn't, because Jay's face was arranged in the neutral expression that he wore at work when he needed the kids to not see what he was thinking yet wanted them to keep talking. Turned out that's very effective.

"I mean... we're not dating. Well... I guess we are. We haven't put a label on it because I don't know what I want. I don't know what I feel. Because I'm not gay... well... maybe I am a little gay... I mean, I must be because otherwise I wouldn't be kissing Kai and liking it. But I'm not attracted to any other man. I've never looked at another man and thought, 'Yeah, I'd do you.' But then... I also have never felt that about a woman either. Like, I understand when people are conventionally attractive, but I just... I don't feel that kind of pull. But with Kai, I don't know; it's different. It's... it's like I... I don't even know. I keep saying that, but it's because I don't. We just have...something and I like it. I really like it." The word vomit finally comes to an end, and Jessie is left breathless. He's watching Jay, searching for any reaction, any indication he's just completely ruined everything. But his expression is nothing but contemplative.

"So... you think you're attracted to Kai. You're kissing Kai," Jay says, his voice neutral, but Jessie's anxiety spikes.

"Yes."

"When did that happen?" Jay asked, head tilted slightly.

"He confessed how he felt five weeks ago. It was an accident; he was feverish as hell and rambling. But afterwards, I guess I realised that although I didn't feel exactly the same, I still... I thought of him differently than how I feel about you and the girls. That the line between being close friends and being maybe attracted to him had blurred. So we agreed to try. Take it slow, no labels; just see what happens. And... God, it's been the happiest five weeks of my life, Jay. I wanted to tell you at the start, but I was scared you'd be mad. Especially with it being Kai. I told him two weeks ago that I wanted to tell you, and he was all for it. I just couldn't... I kept putting it off" Jessie shifts uncomfortably on the couch, heart pounding harder against his ribs with each sentence.

"And that's why you looked like the world was ending when I pulled up? Because you were scared to tell me?" The neutrality gives way to something else, something vulnerable.

"Yes. I... I was worried that it would ruin everything. That you'd be mad that I was being stupid and risking the way everything is within our friend group." Jessie confesses, eyes trained firmly on the floor, no longer able to bring himself to look at Jay.

There is a minute of silence that felt like seconds and an eternity all at once.

"I don't like that you thought so little of me that I'd be more concerned about rocking the boat of our friendships than your happiness. That I would care more about who you were seeing as opposed to being happy that you were happy." When Jay speaks, his voice is quiet and shaky, hurt but not accusatory. It had Jessie's head snapping up to look at him, but Jay was facing the floor.

"That's... Jay, no. That's a reflection of my anxiety. My need to believe the worst-case scenario so I'm not hurt when it happens." He rambles, reaching out and taking Jay's hand carefully. He needed him to understand this was on Jessie and not on him.

"That's not the point, Jess. We've been best friends forever. The fact you still feel the need to think that way when it comes to me... That you think I'm more concerned about keeping the balance even if it sacrifices your happiness... the fact you think that would be an acceptable reaction..." Jay trails off but squeezes Jessie's hand. "It just makes me sad that your brain still hates you so much that you couldn't comprehend that I would just be happy for you."

Jessie's chest tightened, because yeah, he hated that too. He didn't have a response, at least not a verbal one, so instead he leant forward to Jay and wrapped his arms around him. Jay instantly melted into him, wrapping his arms just as tightly around Jessie.

"If you are happy with whatever you and Kai have going on, I am happy, Jess. You deserve happiness, to find someone who makes you happy. You deserve it more than anything." Jay whispers and Jessie cannot stop the tears that fall, dripping freely into the shoulder of Jay's top.

"I am. Happy. So happy." He confirms, and Jay gives him a quick, tighter squeeze before pulling away. All of the previous hurt on Jay's face was replaced by a genuine smile.

"Good. That's all I care about," Jay says, moving to sit beside him on the couch and setting up the Switch, chucking a controller to Jessie.

Any weight in Jessie's chest had dissipated, replaced by the lightness of acceptance. Jay wasn't mad, the world wasn't ending, and now Jay knew. That made what he and Kai had feel more... real. More official in its unofficialness. It felt good. Right.