Radioactive by Imagine Dragons

You'd be amazed at the impact of what you've just done can be.

When I was 15, my family broke appart, my Transsexual mother came out in the worst possible way. She dressed like a slut, red lace corset, black lace panties I could see her penis though, fishnet stockings and highheeled leather boots and a wig. She asked me if she was sexy, the day after she came out. To a gender and sexually confused 15 year old, with already a history of being abit unstable, it was just too much.

Those first months, after she moved out, I lost all my friends, my girlfriend who I'd been with for 2 years, and a loving warm father, being replaced by this hysterical, cold tyranical bitch who couldn't accept what she was doing.

I met the most amazing person ever, someone who I fell in love with within months, even though he was quite abit younger than me. He taught me how to survive, even gave me a reason to, I still love him for that. on october 3rd, 2010 was the first time I cut, it was in my kitchen, with a pencil sharpener blade. I'll carry these scars with me forever hopefully.

I don't remember much of how I lost him, there was a girl, and she took advantage of my pain, him being so far away, and I think his realisation that he didn't love me back the right way, that he was a brother, not a lover to me. I think, I'm not sure.

I don't blame him, he's happy now, I think, happier than I ever made him. They say if you love them, then sometimes you have to stop loving them right? Well I never have stopped it, and I will always be there for the man I nearly gave my life for, but who in the end is the reason I'm still alive.

I failed College, badly. Couldn't face going to class anymore, just wanted to sit in the corner and cry most of the time, but I didn't. Instead I stayed off, I fucked girls, I drank, I stole everything I could get my hands on and I hurt people I didn't like. Some might call it heaven, tbh, sounds pretty good to me sometimes.

But it tore what was left of my family appart. I try my best never to speak to my cis-mum anymore. Partly out of shame, mostly out of hate. Because instead of trying to help me, she just insisted of guilting me, to the point everything was made so so much worse. I'm living in france now, partly to get away from her, mostly because there's someone here, who I think, finally in love with me as much as I am with them. 

It's an amazing feeling, he's been away at his dads for the weekend, and I've missed him so so so fucking much, even though we've never spent a moment about for 3 months now, I want him back desperatly, being on my own is horrible right now and I don't like it and I love him so much I want him back in my arms where I know that I'm safe.

I'm going back to scotland soon, having to live with my mum until stig and I can find someplace to live properly. He has quite abit set aside, so I think he'll be able to find some kinda housing, and if I work, and go on benifits, we should be able to get a pretty nice little flat somewhere.

The reason I'm saying all this, is because you thought I was worth taking the time out of your life, to message me something nice, doesn't matter if you're sending it because you want to be nice, or because you really believe it, but I feel that you deserve to know who you think is amazing <3