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Cleaning up after 2018
Friend: um dude, where should I put your 2018 resolutions you didn’t do? They’re fricking all over the place.
Me: just put them over there next to all those sporting awards I didn’t earn and the Nobel prize for ending world hunger I didn’t receive.
Me: no, that’s the doctorate degree in medicine I didn’t go for, and that’s the humanitarian award I never got. Jeez. Use your eyes!
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I love how my humor is still on point
...when everything else in my life is like...
When your job is a breeze and you really can’t complain about anything...
And then one thing happens which causes you to actually do a speck of work and it’s like...
Did you ever notice
That if you get a little bit of teriyaki sauce on your fingers you might as well take a shower or call HazMat because that shit is going to get all over everything.
When you post a killer meme and just sit back and wait for the likes...
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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WHEN YOU REALIZE HALF WAY THROUGH CLEANING YOUR BATHROOM YOU DGAF. BUT NOW YOU ARE STUCK.
Me: You’re too high to tell me the story and I’m too high to listen to it.
RB if Relateable:
“Pretty much everyone who says, “I don’t want to call you out on this one, Carol” REALLY WANTS to call Carol out. And is about to unload.”
