#snangst

‘Sev? Sev… wake up,’ you curl your fingers around his bony shoulders, gently shaking him awake.

His eyes open, watery and bloodshot.

‘Huh?’ A tear trickles down his cheek.

‘You were… talking. In your sleep. It sounded unpleasant,’ you mutter, wiping the tear from his face with the pad of your thumb.

He rolls away from you and takes a deep breath, shrugging your hands away and pulling his legs up to his chest.

You shrink back against your own pillow, knowing he’d been dreaming about her again and feeling useless. If you couldn’t even comfort him when he was awake and right beside you, how important could you be to him, really?

‘I’m sorry,’ he breathes a few moments later, not moving.

‘It’s alright, Sev,’ you whisper, voice laced with disappointed acceptance. You love him with your whole heart, no matter where his lies.

‘Did I… did I say something to hurt you?’ He whimpers weakly, cringing as he waits for your response.

‘No. No you didn’t hurt me,’ you lie.

‘What did I say?’ He asks with trepidation.

You pause, wondering how to word it. ‘You… called her name. Lily.’

He sobs then, turning his face into the pillow as though it would swallow the sound, but it’s nowhere near muffled enough for you to mistake it.

You place a hand on his back again, testing to see if he wants you there, and he doesn’t flinch. You move back to him, wrap your arm around his ribcage and hold tight. Your own tears fall then; you can’t stop them no matter how hard you bite at your lip.

Snape turns within your embrace to face you, his own tears subsiding when he realises yours.

‘What’s wrong?’ He says softly. ‘I have hurt you haven’t I?’

‘No, Sev,’ you say shakily, ‘it’s not your fault. I’m just scared.’

‘What of?’ The concern on his brow calms you in a weird way, letting you know that he does care.

‘That you’re still in love with her.’

The silence that follows your admission is deafening, the shift in the atmosphere making you almost dizzy, and you let go of him, rolling onto your back with your hands over your face, unable to take back what you’ve needed to say for months.

Snape shoots upright and freezes in place. ‘In love… with Lily?’ He whispers to himself.

‘It’s alright, you can’t help it. I know I’m just a replacement for what you couldn’t have. It still stings a little to be reminded, though.’

Snape shakes his head, incredulous at what he’s hearing from you.

‘I’m sorry,’ you sob, pushing tears off your cheeks with your palms, ‘that sounded mean.’

He turns to you then, leaning over you and removing your hands from your face to wipe your tears carefully with his own slender fingers.

‘You’re no replacement,’ he says, voice low but clear. ‘Don’t you realise? You’re everything. I’m in love with you.’

You look into his black eyes, seeing nothing but truth in the depths of them, and tears clinging to his dark eyelashes.

‘Lily is… she will always be important to me. I’ll always love her but… it will never be what I have with you. It’s different.’

‘I’m more than happy to share you, Sev,’ you smile up at him.

‘There’s no need. You have my entire heart,’ he says, his gaze so intense you have no doubt in what he’s saying.

‘But Lily-’

‘Lily was my best friend. She showed me kindness and I pushed her away.’ His voice falters. ‘I blame myself for her death,’ he says suddenly, gasping at hearing it out loud for the first time.

You pull him down onto your chest and run your fingers through his hair. ‘Oh, Sev, I’m so sorry.’

‘You’ve nothing to be sorry for,’ he mutters against your skin. ‘I’m the one that should be scared. I push away everyone I love. I don’t want to lose you through my own selfish stupidity.’