#slutpops

“Ellie, she has your brother’s ID.

She said she broke in because the guy she was with fell asleep! Apparently I’m your ‘fun’ friend?

Listen, you don’t think Brad found those SlutPops under your bed, do you?

I mean, he won’t have known what they were.

The whole box?

Empty?!

“Um girls, what do I do?

I bought SlutPops for me to use tonight. Tom must have thought they were a Valentine’s Day gift!

It’s not funny! I think he took them to work!

I’ve been trying to call him all day and just got this pic back.

“What have I done to you?

Well, few days ago, a nice lady showed up at our door to let me know that my husband was catcalling women.

It’s amazing what crushing up a few SlutPops into your coffee can do eh?

“Please don’t be mad baby!

It meant so much that you’d take SlutPops with me! I’ve always wanted to try it with a girl.

Thing is, we were both total bimbos. Slut us decided you should take more.

How many? Well… the box is, um, empty.

“Stop giggling and focus Ben!

Who sold you the SlutPops?

Some guy in the club? They were probably knockoffs you idiot!

How do I know? It’s been eight hours and I’ve still got tits! You’re still acting like a bimbo.

“Morning Mr Johnson! I brought your coffee. Is everything okay? You look a bit peaky.”

“You know you can call me Richard right? You’ve been here what, four months?”

“Hehe five silly! You’re not letting me go are you… Richard?”

“Oh hell no! Let’s face it, with an ass like that, I wasn’t hiring you for your work! I like my Personal Assistants to look the part, you know? The last girl was letting herself go. Starting going all ‘woke’, saying she didn’t need to wear heels and tight dresses. You get it right? Anyway, can you keep a secret? No one can know.”

“Did anyone find out when I walked into the boardroom and found you and that sales rep on the table… negotiating?”

“Shhh! But fine! Last night I totally blacked out. I left work at 6 and can’t remember a thing. I woke up in some random hotel room wearing a miniskirt and bra! All my stuff was in a tiny handbag. I must have hooked up with some kinky chick. I can’t remember a thing. It’s the third time it’s happened… this week!”

“Oh wow Richard. Are you like… sure you’re not a cross dresser or something? I have some cute heels that would totally suit you!”

“Abi! Do I look like some sissy to you? I’m being serious! I’ve started having weird thoughts too. The other day I swear I could feel my nipples tingling in the boardroom! Eric from Finance definitely caught me touching them. I’m getting more forgetful too. And I started giggling at Greg’s jokes! Greg! HR Greg. I hate that guy. Something weird is happening. I need you to find out what?”

“Aw, sure thing Richard! Have you finished your coffee?”

“Yeah, yeah it was good! That caramel you add is great. Anyway, keep an ear to the ground. I want to see if someone is spiking me or something. I bet Greg is trying to get me fired.”

“Hehe it’s not Greg, silly!”

“I don’t need some airhead’s theories. Just listen at the water cooler and like, totally spill the gossip… see what I mean! I like, never say like… or talk like… *Cough* my voice!”

“It’s me silly! I’m the one doing this! Urg. I supposed I can drop the whole bimbo secretary act now. By the way, you sound hilarious! Do you know how high pitched your voice sounds? Anyway… you know all those coffees you drink? Even an airhead like me can grind up SlutPops and mix them with your drink. you do know that guys aren’t supposed to take them right? Personally I think the experience can be, haha, transformative.”

“Side effects?! Fuck this. I’m calling the police! Fuck, my hands… my nails! They’re so cute… no that’s not what I mean.”

“Aw but they are. Pink acrylics suit you. Polly, that’s your alter ego by the way, loves pink! She’s been helping me. She’s been secretly draining your accounts and sending the cash to me. In return, I’m buying her tonnes of cute outfits. You should see your new collection of heels. Polly loves the Pleasers. They really make your ass pop. Thing is, boys aren’t supposed to take SlutPops because the side effects are wild. If they take too many, their alter-ego takes over.”

“Fuck Polly! Fuck you! Fuck all of this! Listen, just tell me how to stop it. I’ll pay you. I’ll do whatever you want. Just tell me where you got that cute top from… no! Damn it. Make it stop.”

“Oh no, I can’t break the deal. At first I was just doing this because you’re a real pig and I thought I was funny to see you getting all dressed up and grinding up against guys. Then I actually spoke to Polly. She’s incredible. Hilarious, fun, very slutty. Exactly the kind of woman you want as your secretary. So we have a little arrangement. I make Polly a permanent feature and she’ll become my secretary.”

“You? Take over?”

“Of course! I only took this job as a temporary thing. I’ve got an MBA! All I wanted was to get a bit of experience and work my way up the ladder. However Polly has given me a step up. She’s shared all your business plans with me. She’s even written me a lovely letter of recommendation from you. Oh, and written your resignation. Of course, I had to check the spellings - she’s such a ditz.”

“But like, this is so unfair. You can’t do this to me! You can’t let me be seen in this shirt! It completely hides my tits! No! That’s not what I mean!”

“Oh I wouldn’t worry about that Polly! They’re already showing. Those poor buttons look like they could pop off at any minute. Mmm and look at your ass. Those trousers are going to struggle. Good thing I’ve already picked out your new outfit! It’s on the desk outside my office.”

“Your office? But… but…”

“Well it will be soon silly! Remember our deal? Richard has had enough SlutPops to make sure you’re here for good. Now be a good girl and get changed for me. Oh, and I’d love a coffee. Plus, I think Greg is in the kitchen too…”

“Are you the girl who lost her boyfriend at the convention?

Yeah about that…

He upset the lady on the SlutPop stand. She may have given him some samples without telling him what they did.

“Are you Alex’s girlfriend?

Is he cheating on you? Haha no silly!

He got dared to try a SlutPop and get all dressed up on a night out with his stupid friends. That’s how I was born.

Surprise!

I was having so much fun! Who knew I could dance like that, right?

I couldn’t let that stupid gym rat have his body back though. I mean, what a waste! So like, I may have taken another ten SlutPops.