With March beginning and the sun breaking through the clouds, some of you may be swept in by the ideas of spring cleaning, losing weight for summer or just a general self improvement kick after failed New Year’s resolutions. Please take this post as a sign to get “worse” instead.

Are you perhaps interested in loosing weight to fit into a certain swimming costume size or get a summer body? Well consider instead the mesmerising nature of big hips in a bikini or soft belly rippling out of a pair of swimming trunks. Not to mention fat bodies float better which is good for beach day paddling! So not only should you keep enjoying the food you love but you should double or even triple your portions for a true beach body.

Being strongly encouraged by friends and family to do some spring cleaning of your home? Well with all the stressors of modern life that’s far too much work. It’ll just get all messy again at Easter or during your summer fun. Save time, money and anxiety and just leave everything messy! You’ll feel cosier anyway.

Considering embracing the sunny weather and putting down your phone? That’s so old fashioned! The supposed real world is for old people who can’t work a smartphone. Your problem isn’t that your on your phone but that your consuming idealistic influencers and self care content selling you things you can’t afford and wouldn’t buy anyway. Replace all that upsetting nonsense with more time watching porn or scrolling accounts like mine on tumblr. The only thing you’ll be sold is more snacks and you’ll be influenced to your natural instincts. Fill your feeds with fellow slobs, you’ll fill your thoughts with joy!

These are just a few examples of how reversing common self help advice will make you happier! Instead of trying to prepare for summer by making yourself miserable, follow my tips and be a happy slob;

- eat every craving. You’re craving it for a reason! Eat up!

-never hold in a burp or fart. You sound so cute and you’ll be much comfier.

-stop cleaning your house. Just embrace the mess and enjoy how personality shapes your space.

-no need for hygiene. Just be dirty and stinky. It’s so much easier.

-make orgasming your main focus. Watch sexy content all day. There’s so much to watch!

Embrace being greedy.

Embrace being perverted.

Embrace being lazy.