#sleepysad

I'm feeling tired and shitty (AF) and I'm half worried/half deflated about the future.

So, let's do a thinking exercise: Fast-forward to next year.

Ideally, I am:

1. 125 pounds, engaged in a healthy and active lifestyle with no ED bullshit

2. happily employed at Panera, makin' dough

3. getting fantastic grades at Chaffey to set me up to move in a year or two

4. cleanly single, and developing good friendships

5. reading books for leisure again/ learning interesting things

6. growing as a person/becoming better/maturing

I can't cycle through the worst-case-scenarios. It'd be too depressing. I want to un-fat and be better and feel good. I miss the mornings; the nights are too porous. Weed is not good. None of it's good. It's all sick and sad and stupid. Too quiet a way to die. Too unconsciously normal. It's scary when you don't believe much in yourself, because then there's nothing. And there's nothing to do about all the nothingness.