#slavap

I'm not sure if you've seen the Usher video for "OMG," which is possibly the best named song of all time, after "LOL :)" by Trey Songz, but it features William... er sorry, I mean will.i.am, making exaggerated hand movements while in a kilt. Seeing a black man dancing in a kilt ranks up there in my "lifetime hilarity moments," but it also got me thinking about other things that black people shouldn't wear because they make them look silly.

Unfortunately, "kilt" is the first and last thing on that list, so I decided to think of things that black people can wear that white people can't because that pretty much writes itself.

Keep in mind, there's a chance that when you read some of the items on the list you'll say to yourself, "Hey Yaro, I know a white guy who wears that and he doesn't look ridiculous." You're wrong, he does, and you're in deep denial.

Sunglasses Indoors

Some designer sunglasses can go for thousands of dollars, which is a lot of money to spend on something that you can only wear when the sun is out. As a result, some "free-thinkers" have decided to maximize the value of their shades by wearing them at all times of the day: at Walmart, around the house, and most importantly, at the nightclub. This look is ridiculous because only two types of white guys wear sunglasses at clubs: hipsters, and guys who aren't trying to be ironic. But both of them still look ridiculous.

Wearing your wayfarers indoors make you look like a lost Blues Brother or a blind guy who stumbled into the club to find his dog. Black guys always have an excuse for wearing sunglasses though: they look cool, and they look like they're on the job and doing something important (stealing girlfriends, holding up the wall, automatic-props-machine, etc).

Excessive Jewelry

If you're white then you have no business wearing any sort of bling, unless you were born in Italy and have had a guy "whacked." A watch or a small cross is fine, but any more than two chains and a medallion around your neck makes you look less like Tupac and more like a bootleg Paul Wall (which I guess is just a dopey kid from the South).

When black guys wear jewels, they go all out. Rappers don't even get normal jewels anymore, they get jewels in the shape of things. Kanye West has a diamond Jesus head, Sean Kingston has a bejewelled Crayola Box, and Yung Joc just has a foot-long diamond-and-gold letter "H." Come on, white people! Are you even trying??

Hats with Straight Brims and Stickers

When I go to the store and buy something, I make sure that all the tags are removed before I wear it out. That's why I can't understand why people buy hats and make sure not to remove a single sticker—not even the barcode—and then wear them around like that. If you want people to know that you have money to blow, then don't leave the $50 price tag where everyone can see it; it just looks like you stole that hat.

Everybody in rap music wants to be considered a mogul; that's why 50 Cent has Vitamin Water and B-list musicians end up with perfume lines. A true mogul must not only be able to cover music, but also have an expensive alcohol that they relentlessly promote and a clothing accessory to put their signature on and sell for double the money.

So, in a business where everybody tries to get their hands on a piece of the cake and eat it too (I never understood metaphors), three men have established themselves as heavy hitters in the game. Below is a cheat sheet for everything you need to know about the three titans of whoring-yourself-out the rap business.

Name: Sean Carter

AKA: Jay-Z, HOVA, Jigga Man

Who?: That guy with the lips.

Age: 40

Born: Marcy Projects, New York, where he shot his brother for stealing his chain when he was 12.

Hand Sign: The "diamond," which consists of putting your hands together to make a triangle. Has been linked to the Illuminati and other occult cults for being an intricate hand symbol used among world leaders.

Clothing Company: Roc-A-Wear, Artful Dodger

Expensive Liquids: Armand de Brignac, a luxury champagne that Jay-Z started to endorse ever since his former-favorite alcohol Cristal said some things that upset him.

Net Worth: $547 Million, plus he's married to Beyonce who's worth $315 Million herself, putting the family total at $862 M.

Protégé(s): Kanye West, Rihanna, J. Cole

Arm Candy: Beyonce

Bonus Points: Owns the 40/40 club in NY, is the co-brand director for Budweiser, has been in the White House, and something about the New Jersey Nets.

Lyrics:  "No matter where you go, you are what you are player And you can try to change but that's just the top layer Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here Only God can judge me, so I'm gone, either love me, or leave me alone"

Name: Sean Combs

AKA: Puff Daddy, P Diddy, Diddy, Ciroc Obama

Who?: That guy on MTV.

Age: 40

Born: Harlem, New York., where his dad was a worker for Frank Lucas, the drug kingpin who got to be played by Denzel inAmerican Gangster.

Hand Sign: Arms crossed in front of him with a lost look in his eyes and a shit-eating grin. Also, a toothpick should be present.

Clothing Company: Sean John, which was caught using "raccoon-dog" in their fur coats but still managed to receive the Council of Fashion Designers of America award.

Expensive Liquids: Ciroc, a vodka that tastes horrible but sells for about $50 a bottle because P. Diddy holds it up in public.

Net Worth: $380 million

Protégé(s): Mary J. Blige, Usher, whatever MTV groupies he has working together this month.

Arm Candy: Cassie, that girl who looks and sounds like Ciara, but hadnaked images leaked to the web.

Bonus Points: Owns a restaurant in Atlanta, has been a regular on Broadway, and is helping Joaquin Phoenix start his rap career.

Lyrics:

"Aiyyo, call me Diddy, I run this city Send the cops, the D.A. and feds to come get me Cats wanna leave me for dead you comin with me Gettin head in the Bentley red at one fifty"

Name: Bryan Williams

AKA: Birdman, Baby, Number One Stunna

Who?: That bald guy with the tattoos who stands beside Lil' Wayne.

Age: 40

Born: Uptown New Orleans

Hand Sign: Two hands...making a bird. Get it? Because he's thebirdman. How clever. Prrrrrreeeew.

Clothing Company: Lugz, a shoe company that makes the same stuff Timberland does, only cheaper.

Expensive Liquids: Birdman owns an oil rig. He's earned over $100 million off oil alone and even tattooed an oil rig on the top of his head.

Net Worth: $500 million

Protégé(s): Lil' Wayne, Jay Sean, Kevin Rudolf

Arm Candy: Lil' Wayne

Bonus Points: When asked why he's so business savvy, Birdman says, "I was just born with that shit, brah."

Lyrics:

"Everyday a new whip hommie, So you know I gets my shine on Flip after we flip hommie, So you know I gets my grind on Birdman daddy, Pullin up in dat brand new Cadi Got money, livin lavish, Got bitches, shippin baggage"

So who's the best? Well Puffy... I mean P. Diddy... I mean Diddy, has invested his money in all the right places, and although some peopleaccuse him of selling out, he's still a good businessman. Jay-Z has been more successful than Diddy, but only because he diversifies his investments in every sector available; plus he's been making and selling music non-stop since his appearance.

Since I live in a small town, there's rarely anything to do past 9pm other than see a movie. That being said, I've seen most major (and minor) films that have been in theaters. You would think that this love for cinema would inspire a post about the greatest actors of our time or something about the philosophical gravity that Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel had on me. Nope, today we're going to talk about how and why the movie experience has sucked over the last five years and what I plan on doing about it (writing a snarky article where I offer no solution).

When you go and sit down to enjoy your movie, there are certain"obstacles" you have to sit through before getting to the best part. First, there are the theater's commercials, which are on a looping feed until the movie starts. Then there are more commercials, most of which you just watched, only now you can re-appreciate them in a dimmed setting. Then those are always followed by the bane of my existence: the cell phone ad.

Last time I checked my watch, it was 2010, which means that everyone born after 1994 learned to text around grade 4. We're all used to having cell phones now, which means that we're used to the responsibilities that come with them, including turning them off when we're at a movie—we don't need to be reminded. But for some reason the cell phone companies think that we forget how to use this numbered brick as soon as the lights go down, so they show us a 30-second commercial reminder that tells us to be considerate and turn down our phones. Listen, phone companies: don't try to disguise your commercial as a public service ad, especially by baiting us with the exact thing we aren't supposed to be using. I don't go to a Broadway show to have the actors try to sell me an awesome camera before telling me "no cameras allowed."

After sitting through the slew of commercials, we are treated to the trailers, where the best parts of various movies are revealed in the hopes that we turn around and say, "Woah, sweet, I can't wait to see that" to the people sitting within yelling distance. The problem is that some of the movies coming out aren't particularly funny or even entertaining. But if that was hinted in the trailer then the movie would flop harder than an Italian soccer player. So instead, we're shown trailers that contain not only major spoilers, but in some cases give away the funniest jokes of the movie. Take Death at a Funeral for example: it was a funny movie but most of the jokes were crammed into the trailer. When you see a joke, it doesn't get funnier after six months; that's not how comedy works.

On that note, it's time for the second installment of "relationship advice from a guy who's never been in a relationship." As some of you may know, there exists a book in this world that promises that even the geekiest and most social inept males can score with beautiful women. And if I know my audience, you all just put down whatever microwave food you were eating and inched closer to the screen.

This book is called The Game by Neil Strauss and has been providing seduction help for the past five years. I'm here to tell you all a huge secret: it's all a scam. Fuck negs, IOI's, kino, and all that garbage. Here's my patented guide to seduction: if you see a girl you like, go up to her and say hi. Crazy, right? What we as men don't understand is that women, for the most part, want to be approached and talked to. That's why they wear cute outfits, get their hair done, work out, and buy ridiculously expensive bags—they want to get noticed.

I'll admit that the book does provide solid help in terms of openers. It tells you to ask the girl(s) a question and have them respond with their opinion. Where the book goes wrong is by giving the reader too many rules to follow: first you open, then set a false time constraint, then demonstrate value, neg, isolate, kino, etc. You need to be able to speak to women without following a linear set of rules. What happens if you forget a step? You're fucked because you don't know how to talk to women without your crib sheet.

Why am I harping so much on something like this? I think that the only thing worse than the Ed Hardy dudes charging around when you're at a bar with friends is those guys who walk around "peacocking" with feathered top hats and beads walking around offering palm readings. Nothing kills a good time faster than a dude sauntering up and trying to steal your date, especially if this dude is covered in some sort of reflective-neon-polyester material and is wearing ski goggles while he tries to get your opinion on some fictional scenario.

This weekend, I cut ties with my gym of many years because I'll no longer be living close to it. This breakup meant that I would have to go and get my clothes from the gym locker, the same stuff I had forgotten I had ever worn, and figure out a way to dispose of it. This is that story.

FADE IN:

INT. CHANGE ROOM

YARO: Gee, this sure is a lot of junk for me to move out of here, I haven't even seen some of this stuff in years. Is that my protein shaker? Oh my god, that thing must be rancid, I haven't seen it since grade nine. Okay Yaro, whatever you do, do not open that shaker. Now let's get back to cleaning diligently...

(YARO quickly gets bored, inexplicably attempts to juggle items that are within arm's reach, and ends up dropping the shaker)

YARO: Uh oh..

(A giant GENIE pours out of the shaker and hovers in front of YARO, who stops juggling)

GENIE: Yaro, you have freed me from my prison and I shall grant you one wish.

YARO: I wish for infinite wishes!

GENIE: You can't do that. How about this, pick any sport you want in the world and I will make you the greatest player to ever play the game. You'll be better than LeBron at basketball, better than Tiger at golf, or better than Ronaldo at soccer.

YARO: Ooh really? Okay well that's a pretty tough choice, there's a ton of options.

GENIE: True, but imagine being a hockey player who's beloved by his city and his fans. You would score three goals a night and your teammates would love you. There would be puck-bunnies literallythrowing themselves at you.

YARO: Yes...but don't the really good players play all year long? They have the NHL season and then they play for international leagues in the summer so it's a solid year of ice skating. Plus I like my teeth, so I don't think I'll take that one.

GENIE: Okay, well how about football? You can be an American icon who's looked up to by the youth, you don't have to run very much, and you can play until you're 50 then decide to retire and comeback! Plus the championship rings are huge and you would get the best trophy wives.

YARO: Yeah right, you only have two options in football: you either become a receiver or a runner and get hit by things travelling the speed of a cannonball, or you're a quarterback who gets blamed for every loss and every part of your public life is dissected by TMZ. I'll pass.

GENIE: How about soccer? You get paid the most money, an entire country loves you enough to start riots over you, you can get your hair professionally styled without people calling you names, and you would get to travel all over Europe.

YARO: Are you kidding? You want me to run for 90 minutes straight? I don't care whether or not I could do it, I wouldn't want to. Plus nobody in the Western world would really care about me unless I started dating Miley Cyrus.

GENIE: Basketball? Think of the women!! It's the only sport that lets you lead a lucrative lifestyle while you're off the court, complete with drugs and guns. Plus, no matter how badly you screw up, you can still get adolescent kids everywhere to spend $300 on your shoe.

YARO: They do get the summer off, but I think I've made my choice.

GENIE: What is it? Golf? Rugby? Curling?

YARO: Nope, baseball.

GENIE: What? Why??