@slaughtyr sent [forehead]: 'placing a hand on the back of the receiver’s neck, the sender guides them close and rests their foreheads together.'
it's not fair to van for her to show up like this --- unannounced, impulsively, so many years after they'd seen each other last. worse, maybe, that tai didn't come here for her; she came here for herself, because everything feels so wrong, so out of her control, and there was only one person who could ever understand it before ( one person who had seen this other side of herself that was still, 25 years later, such a mystery to her, yet perhaps a friend to van. ) it's selfish, expecting van to drop everything to make space for her after all the time and all they've been through, but taissa couldn't be anywhere else. and despite everything, despite knowing it's wrong to feel this way, there's a sense of comfort between them that she hasn't found since she saw her last.
like feeling at peace, for the first time in a long time, despite knowing it can't possibly last. at least she can pretend for a moment.
so unwilling to admit to anyone how terrified she's been of the person she's become, the stress of the campaign bringing her back to a place she swore she'd done away with long, she was at a loss. her son taken from her, her wife hurt by her, all she really had now was the career she'd work so hard for --- but was it the win she thought it was if everything else was falling apart, along with the perception of herself she'd so carefully crafted? van was always a source of peace and clarity for her --- a source that tai no longer deserved nor was allowed, and yet here she is, unleashing all the truths she'd refused to admit even to herself until she got here.
how did she do that? van still knew exactly how to calm her down, a reminder of what tai lost ( what she knows she deserved to lose; van was always too good for her. ) she finally gives her what she wants, what van had always asked of her back then, but tai was always too stubborn to ask for herself: the truth. ❝ i need some fucking help, van. i can't keep doin' this shit. ❞ it's not the real help that simone has been begging her to get for weeks, though --- that kind of help still feels impossible, a loss of total control when she completely admits defeat. but this kind of help is what she's used to, what she's been missing, what she convinced herself long ago was all she needed. ❝ okay? okay, you're right, that's what i came here for. i need your help. ❞
