Okay, folks. The moment you’ve all been waiting for… My take and observations on our recent Halloween Shit Show. Or event. Whatever ya’ll think makes the most sense. From my perspective, the planning committee did a shit job at security and quality control. But whatever, I’m just the guy who rants about shit. Let’s get on with it.

@nickk-robinsonn got lost in the corn maze with several people.  Makes you wonder if he was doing that intentionally or if he was just that bad at directions. He was spotted bickering with @josephinevidales about plowing through the corn stalks and eating raw corn. I thought they were flirting but now this has got to be some weird fetish stuff.

@astridofthemoon got her flirt on.  Even if it was a love potion we like seeing her loosen up.  She was seen flirting with Grace, Tae, Griffin, Sophie, Gianna, and Nova.  Seemed to have paid off given she was later spotted making out with @flaminghot-taechos.

@kelsiewoods bragging about getting her man and seems absolutely addicted to apple cider.  Sweetheart you better chill on that or people will pick up on the cravings before your even on Bump Watch.  Though I guess we can give you a pass now that @armstrong-james went and made you a widow.  Is there a word for a woman after her fiancé dies?  

Speaking of awkward, Kelsie’s ravings about her engagement fell on realistic ears when she gushed to @giannasalsbury​. The practical pastry chef had a few choice thoughts about the rushed engagement but maintained a supportive and practical view. Turns out this Brit can cook up up some pretty good advice!

@goodsign-adam was out here ‘judging’ pumpkins. Someone get this man a child already.  He’s too cute with the kids not to have several.  I mean, who else but an absolute #daddy would spend so much time giving out participation ribbons for those little soul suckers? Though, it did make me one of my own when he introduced his young Padawan-learner, @sirenselene, to his student. The girl freaking thought she was a Disney Princess and I mean, can you blame her? I want kids to adore me like they adore Selene.

@isabel-han and @amarikeita both impacted by the tainted blood in different ways.  The wise one falling ill for the first time in centuries while the baby vamp let the blood lust lose (ouch, that;s gotta hurt @flaminghot-taechos.)  Was it just the Princess’ age and tolerance that kept her in control or was something else at play?

Luckily, before her bloodlust took over, a truth serum seemed to with @isabel-han and @novathompson, who seem to be rekindling their friendship after Issy’s hiatus post-turning. Maybe Isabel will finally confess the other things she’s been tucking away in her closet? I just hope these too watch Riverdale together like old times.

@galexwilliams doesn’t understand that without all the pieces a costume is ineffective. Gotta say, clever historical references will still give you a win in our book.

@eve-martin and her adorable little son were spotted hurling hex bags at unsuspecting homes.  Seems like the Dean has a wild prankster streak no one expected.  Though who takes a baby on a covert pranking mission?  Next time, get a sitter. Seems like she’ll definitely consider it, given @gracexkline stumbled upon their little tirade.

@alisonhashart might be developing a blood kink.  Or a vampire kink?  At the urging of @ninaskal.  Looks can be deceiving when it comes to Little Miss Innocent.

@pastor-silasbahar Silas Silas…what are we going to do about you?  Dancing around like it’s the end of supernatural days and taunting poor @caitlxn-dunmxre?  We get it,@greysonxblake had to help you clean up the church, but if there’s no supernatural anymore what are you gonna do about that boner that seems to develop by being in Amari’s mere presence.

Resident uncontrolled-harpy, @chloexbarnett played it safe during the festivities, opting to stay indoors. I just hope she bought plenty of candy to pass out to those trick-or-treaters.@timid-amrala followed suit, and took the event as an opportunity to research her family’s secret heritage. Let’s hope she uncovers the secrets her mother kept that got her sent away into the list of ‘unsolved disappearances’ many supernaturals seem to be facing.

@griffinwest whipped out the potions the Twilight Zone has been working on all year, spilling some trade secrets to those who would listen. He even offered some off-the-menu items that even had me intrigued. I wonder, do they really call that Confidence Booster the Yeezy? Because that’s just genius.

Good Samaritan and detective @detectiveharper was busy doing good deeds left and right. Did no one tell her it was Mischief Night? She helped clean the church and even stopped to help suffering vamps during the strange epidemic that took over during the event. Give this girl a badge of honor.

@andreaxnoles was among the first in the pack to sense the disturbance in the force (sorry, can you tell I’m a Star Wars guy?) when baddie @skylar-monaghan brought down her mighty Alpha. Let’s see how she handles the shift in pack dynamics.

Whooooooiiiiiieeeeeee. Looks like it was another chaotic Halloween Event this year folks. What did you expect? It’s Halloween in a town with supernaturals and humans running amuck. I for one, am retiring to my place to eat Halloween candy and binge-watch the Disney Channel Halloweentown series and pretend none of this happened.

Okay, that’s a lie and ya’ll know it. Send me any dirt you scooped up between running from hungry vamps and trying not to drown in the lake. I want the 411 on budding relationships, contention between friends and rivalries, and secrets folks want to remain hidden. It’s Halloween and that’s my real treat.