#sjdlfk

whispers senpai in the distance

He could remember every detail, lividly. He replayed it over and over in his head. The last conversation he'd had with Magnus. When he'd caught him down in the subway on his way to meet Camile. He'd been going to refuse the offer...not that it made a difference at this point. It was wrong to meet with her at all. He knew that now. But he'd felt so desperate. Locked out of a part of Magnus he could never hope to understand. 

 Softly, Magnus said,  “Aku cinta kamu.”  " What does that mean?" Magnus disentangled himself from Alec's grip.  "It means I love you. Not that that changes anything." "But if you love me" "Of course I do. More than I thought I would. But we're still done," Magnus said. "It doesn't change what you did." "But it was just a mistake," Alec whispered. "One mistake" Magnus laughed sharply.  "One mistake? That's like calling the maiden voyage of the Titanic a minor boating accident. Alec, you tried to shorten my life." "It was just... She offered, but I thought about it and I couldn't go through with it I couldn't do that to you." "But you had to think about it. And you never mentioned it to me." 

And then just like that he was watching the only person he'd ever truly loved walk out of his life. He'd been shaking with rage; His chest feeling as if someone had torn a gaping hole in it. When he went to meet Camille only to find Maureen in her place. There had been no gratification in this girl killing Camille, no satisfaction or vindication. Only more of the hallow feeling. A fight had insued, but his heart..just wasn't in it. She'd laid blow after blow upon him until finally they broke apart. He wasn't even entirely sure how..just that he'd ended up back at the institute in a daze covered in blood and limping. He'd refused an Iritaz, shoving past Izzy and Jace and headed for his room. Climbing into the shower and stood under the hot water  until his skin became flushed. He realized numbly afterwards that in his daze he'd punched the tiled wall of the bathroom. He'd wrapped his hand in bandages and crawled into bed. An iritaz seemed unfitting, like he deserved some sort of recompense, or lesson as when Jace had punched his hand through the window.

It was only a day, not even a day. The next day; Not even 24 hours. He'd tried calling...he wasn't even sure how many times. His voicemails desperate and rambling. Especially for the usually together shadowhunter. He was wrong, he knew he'd been wrong to ever meet with Camille. But he couldn't simply give up Magnus. It just wasn't a possibility. Izzy and Jace both watched with concern as he tried and tried to contact the warlock. Whether it be from texts or calls. Izzy suggested giving it time. But there was no time. That was the point wasn't it? Any time Jace tried to comment on his behavior he simply snapped what would he do if it was Clary. It didn't seem appreciated but he didn't care, not now.

The calls eventually turned into the raven haired shadowhunter going to Magnus' apartment daily trying to convince the warlock to at least speak with him. But to no avail. No answer ever came over the intercom, and without his key... 

He was in misery. It felt as if a part of him had been taken from him. Leaving nothing but gaping emptiness in it's wake. No matter how anyone tried to comfort him, he just felt... incomplete. He would barely come from his room. Obsessed with trying to get a hold of Magnus. The only time he really left is when someone would force him into eating, or his visits to Magnus'. Eventually Jace seemed to have enough of his heartache and wallowing. Confiscating his phone from him, only to break him. It was then, the moment his one connection to magnus had been severed that something in him snapped. He awoke from his zombie like daze. He knew in all of his wallowing and self pity that he had been wrong, it hadn't helped though. But now it was as if a switch had been flipped. He was wrong. Would he expect Magnus to forgive him if the situations were reversed? He loved him...loved him more than he thought possible. And it killed him inside to know that Magnus still loved him too..or at least had at the time of their break up. It made it almost worse. If only they'd hated each other and fought. Maybe he could get over it.. 

But slowly...painstakingly so he forced himself to get back to his feet and move. Not move on, he wasn't sure if that was possible but move none the less. He'd been shocked when he'd first looked at his reflection. He was gaunt, bones protruding the slightest bit more. Making his face look more angled. Deep crescent shaped shadows under dull blue eyes. His skin pale as a sheet. He'd let himself deteriorate to such an extent...

There was no immediate recovery. He couldn't even begin training with Jace right away, small steps. Jace was understanding, though didn't fail to poke fun at him for his lessened physical state. Though he was still fairly detached from everything else, he was living. Not with a phone glued to his ear or sitting outside Magnus' apartment like a kicked puppy. He spent most of his time in the library reading. It was a good way to keep his mind somewhat occupied. 

Of course it wasn't long before a problem arose, Alec was only pulled from his reading at the mention of Magnus. The name rang through him like a shot, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly. It had been two weeks and the ache at thought of him hadn't decreased at all..He hadn't hoped for any less. But still. "We can't ask Magnus for help" He'd said his voice trying to sound firm, but the shake was obvious. "He doesn't want us running to him for every little thing. He said- It doesn't matter." He'd slammed the book shut and stalked out of the library where everyone was talking.

He'd retreated back to his room after that for a day or so. He'd been more or less running on auto pilot, and the mere mention of Magnus had set him several steps back in his..recovery it could be called. Why he wasn't sure. It wasn't as if he didn't invade his every thought, his every dream..  Now that he thought on it..He wasn't even sure he'd retained what they needed Magnus' help for. Only Magnus had stood out. Like his brain running on an infinite loop.

Magnus, Magnus, Magnus.