#sixtacles

“  SOMETIMES  I  FORGOT  WHAT  A  SHIT  YOU  WERE  ,  ”  there  is  no  anger  or  resolve  in  his  voice  ,  instead  ,  five  can  admit  that  he  is  drunk  as  a  fucking  skunk  &&  he  PROBABLY  shouldn’t  be  helping  himself  to  another  glass  of  brandy  ----  &&  YET  .  smirking  into  his  glass  ,  his  eyes  flickered  towards  ben  &&  he  shook  his  head  ,  chortling  to  himself  slightly  .  

FIVE  DIDN’T  NECESSARILY  LIKE  CONFRONTATION  .  IT  WASN’T  LIKE  HE  THRIVED  ON  IT  OR  NEEDED  IT  TO  BREATHE  ,  in  fact  ,  if   it  came  down  to  it  ,  five  always  sought  to  avoid  confrontation  when  necessary  ,  where  he  could  .  but  at  the  same  time  ,  at  the  very  same  time  ,  five  did  not  appreciate  being  threatened  .  &&  he  didn’t  LIKE  it  very  much  when  backed  into  a  corner  .  like  any  animal  who  had  been  backed  up  against  a  wall  ,  five  did  not  hesitate  to  bite  back  ,  in  equal  resolve  .  he  jabbed  ben’s  torso  with  a  finger  &&  stared  up  at  him  .  “  i  don’t  have  to  explain  shit  to  you  ,  ben  ,  ”  he  said  ,  his  eyes  glinting  with  anger  .  “  you  want  truths  ?  you  want  ACTUAL  truth  &&  honesty  ,  you  couldn’t  handle  it  ,  so  don’t  drag  me  into  your  weird  power-play  shit  .  ”

he’s wrong.  luther is scared way more than he allows himself to show,  always too afraid that if he shows any bit of weakness,  then his team will lose all faith in him.  father raised him to be strong,  to be a role model —- to be the person that his siblings look to for inspiration, hope, whatever it was to get them through.  luther was sure that if they ever saw their number one falter,  they’d have no reason to keep pushing themselves.he swallows that fear for the sake of everyone else,  he’s strong so that he can help the others be strong, too.   but trying so hard to bury all of that usually only makes it even more harder for him to really connect with them.  

he scoffs at first,  a smug smile starting to tug at his lips.  it’s a mask.  ❝  ‘cause i’m number one,  ben.  leaders don’t get scared.  only better.  ❞  and he’s ready and committed to keep that up,  keep telling ben that he’s never been afraid of anything and that he can handle anything.  but after all the time he’s spent with ben lately,  when his eyes meet his,  he immediately starts to falter,  that smile slipping away and his features softening.  as easy as it has always been to lie and pretend like he’s fearless for the sake of everyone else —- it feels harder to lie to ben now.  

he looks down,  almost debating whether or not to change the subject,  but then he remembers that there’s a reason that ben confides in him,  and maybe,  he deserves some kind of real open honesty from luther.

he takes a deep breath,  shoulders shrugging before he lifts his head to look up at him.  ❝  —-  but  .  .  .   i do,  ❞   he says quietly.  ❝  i do get scared,  sometimes.  i just know everyone else is, too, and—  and i don’t want to be.  ❞   for all of you.  ❝  i believe in all of us,  and when we’re out there on missions,  i trust you all,  even when i’m hard on you,  you know?  but—-  i guess sometimes,  it’s dangerous,  and i know anything could happen that we’re not prepared for.  so,  yeah,  i get scared then,  thinking about something happening to one of us,  ❞   he admits,  shaking his head almost instantly because he has to deflect  (  he can’t handle the thought of losing any of them.  )  ❝ —- but i know nothing will.   so being scared feels dumb,  ❞   he insists.  of course it’s valid; they’ve already lost a brother,  but luther still wants to believe that it wasn’t something tragic that stole him away,  it was five’s stubbornness that did. 

THERE  WAS  A  BOTTLE  OF  JACK  SITTING  ON  HIS  KNEE  .  half  drunk  ,  &&  the  taste  of  it  hanging  off  his  lips  .  though  it  wasn’t  enough  to  even  get  him  slightly  tipsy  .  ben  was  pacing  .  lost  in  thought  no  doubt  ,  his  own  drink  discarded  to  one  side  .  there  was   a  SILENCE  that  permeated  the  room  ,  echoing  louder  perhaps  than  the  words  exchanged  between  the  two  of  them  .  lips  thinning  ,  five  turned  his  head  away  ,  lost  deep  in  thought  .  normalcy  [  ...  ]  whatever  the  hell  that  was  ---  was  something  he  COVETED  ,  craved  ,  desired  &&  so  deeply  ...  could  not  have  .  for  whatever  reason  ,  a  pretty  good  life  .  he  supposed  that’s  a  good  start  .   “  never  CARED  much  for  philosophy  ,  ”  five  admitted  quietly  before  taking  a  swig  &&  hissing  at  the  burn  at  the  back  of  his  throat  .  “  but  if  we  don’t  protect  it   [  ...  ]  good  CHANCE  is  we  lose  it  &&  then  we  never  get  to  enjoy  it  ,  ”