#sitdownshutup

Another one for the heck of it: 2014 vs 2025.

Part I

i can honestly say that i am learning so much in my first year in a clinical psychology doctoral program. not just about how to conduct therapy and show empathy. not just about cognitive behavioral training and psychopathology. as i had hoped, i am learning a great deal about myself.

one thing the american psychological association does right is that it requires diversity training in all subjects and mandates cultural competency. as a minority group member and a person who’s been on the receiving end of psychotherapy, this is very reassuring. but in learning about topics like microaggressions and minority stress and even biases evident among mental health professionals, i’ve made some revelations about myself.

since toddlerhood i was told to be aware of my “temper,” that i shouldn’t lose it, like it’s my car keys or wallet. as i navigated the troubled waters of my adolescence and young adult life, i began to acquire somewhat a reputation as being an “angry” person: someone who was reactive, confrontational, who wasn’t averse to yelling or fighting or expressing less than tame feelings. i spent the last 7 years working on my rage, domesticating it, adding water to it so that i wouldn’t blow up. i’ve felt enormous pride in being able to control it and have learned to regard this “secondary” emotion as a character defect, a liability that needs attenuating. i am starting not to think of it this way any longer.

admittedly, i cannot flick people off haphazardly even while driving in florida. i cannot yell at my friends and use their deep-seated weaknesses at my convenience to inflict harm. i cannot wield my fury like a sword or curl up with it at night like an insecurity blanket. but i can appreciate it for what it is. why? because i have a right to be fucking angry.

my entire life has been marked by persistent and relatively unrelenting bias, prejudice, and racism. whether it’s microaggressive language such as being told to “open my asian eyes”, being assumed chinese as a default asian ethnicity, or receiving compliments on my “impressive” grasp of the engrish language, i deal with ignorance pretty much on the daily. i also experience constant homonegativity and heterisexism, which includes “you don’t act that gay” attempted flattery and questions like “who’s more of the woman?” with respect to my romantic relationships. i am told repeatedly through both overt and covert messages that i am foreign, inferior, abnormal, and unimportant.

i know now intrinsically i am none of these things. my french and spanish are far superior to any korean i might learn at this point. i grew up in suburban, affluent new jersey and i am also surrounded by people who love me. so i don’t feel foreign or less-than. but i know, both consciously and not, that others view me as such. and that makes me really angry.

so my history of outbursts and lashing out and righteous indignation, while often inappropriate, are both logical and valid consequence of my stresses as a minority - a DOUBLE minority. having to avoid getting my feelings hurt and developing a “thicker skin” is a challenging and ever-evolving process that i undertake continuously. the expression of my rage is not always okay, but the root of it, the point from which it unfurls, is totally a product of my environment. it is the result of years of systematized, pervasive oppression.

don’t get me wrong: being a korean-american adoptee in a white family, i have certainly received the majority of the advantages of the white privilege my parents benefit from. no one is assuming i carry a gun, and no one is locking their car doors around me unless i am road-raging. i have had the best opportunities at education, never feared for my safety growing up, and have never worried about my next meal. i am privileged. but my privilege has come with profound limits. i do not technically belong to the dominant group and will never have all the advantages of a white person. racism is not a regular part of the struggle for all people, but it is for me.

in reflecting on how others have viewed my anger and written me off and labeled me in a way that allows for only one dimension, i have become incensed over the fact that so few have considered my specific cultural issues. virtually no one has stopped to evaluate why i tend towards anger so often, at least not in any meaningful way. it isn’t about poor me, though. it’s about identifying that the perfunctory level i am usually assessed with, the lack of time taken to theorize about the real causes of my anger, is a microaggression in itself. when someone cannot just accept how another person feels and passes judgments without having walked in my nikes, it is short-sighted and dismissive. don’t ask me why i’m angry (i just told you even though i shouldn’t have to), ask yourself why you aren’t, and what you’re doing to help.

--

i am also angry because i am one of countless subjugated minority individuals. my turmoil is nothing compared to that of some others, especially black people. i have never been black or been treated as black, so i try not to speculate on how a black person should react. similarly, i have never had an abortion or donated bone marrow. so i wouldn’t have any right to refer to an abortion as an act of homicide or to claim that the pain involved in donating bone marrow really isn’t that bad. i don’t know shit about these things so i don’t talk about them. i talk about things i know about, like being an ethnic and sexual orientation minority and doing drugs and being unable to sustain an adult relationship. i can talk about things i am in essence an expert on, and nothing else.

therefore it is utterly mind-blowing to me how people are discussing bitching about these riots in baltimore. because i am a masochist i read the facebook aka public comments on the videos of the rioting. several troubling trends emerge: people referring to black people as “animals”, especially apes/monkeys; people who contend that violence from rioters justifies black oppression and murder; and people who seem to think the actions of a few hundred individuals are accurate representations for how all black people behave.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

first of all, no other race if they were to riot would result in people, mostly white, comparing black people to animals. it has historical context and is unequivocally racist. it is no coincidence that these terms are chosen. so right away people spouting their bullshit opinions who use this language cannot be taken seriously, period. ever. secondly, nothing ever justifies the brutalities perpetrated by the police. unlike civilians who are not empowered and entrusted with law enforcement, cops absolutely should be held to a higher standard, but even with NO standards, these riots do not mean the violence comes full circle and balances anything out. gtfo with that dollar store logic. literally no white person has ever had to explain their actions for the benefit of all other white people. no white person does something like, i dunno, SHOOT UP A MOVIE THEATRE or MOLEST AND KILL SCORES OF YOUNG BOYS and then ruins it for other white people. expecting black people to all act in a way to “prove” themselves and be unofficial representatives for blackness everywhere is also a huge microaggression. they don’t fucking owe you anything.

OF COURSE violence begets violence. OF COURSE rioting won’t facilitate civil rights. no black person or any type of person considers something like police brutality and decides, “wow, i really need to throw this TV through this store window to show the world i don’t agree with this verdict or this action.” no one picks up a burning trash can and hurls it to open a dialogue about systematic marginalization. but somehow black rioters are thought to be inarticulately addressing this issue. and every black person needs to answer for it. could it be that this is not an attempt at problem-solving, but rather a manifestation of cultural woundedness and angst that has thrived since before the inception of the united states? could it be that this is what happens when you treat a whole group of people like dirt for too long and they feel as though nothing will get any better? OF COURSE.

i unfriended someone tonight on facebook. someone who is white and male but gay, who is less concerned with contemplating his white privilege and thanking his lucky stars he wasn’t born black AND gay, and more invested in condemning the actions of certain INDIVIDUALS whose struggles he has never known. his argument, both incoherent and uneducated, accused the rioters of victimization and reminded me that “everyone deals with difficult shit.” right, my caucasian ex-friend, tell me more about how you started off life with a high chance of serving jail time, being looked at as a criminal, and without the privileges awarded without merit to others because of their skin color. and while you’re at it, tell me all about your bouts with breast cancer. NEXT.

1: Rude, inappropriate and unnecessary.

2: Some of my best friends are those ‘anime nerds’ so now i’m personally offended.

3: Nothing in this world gives you the right to stereotype and judge someone on their personal hobbies, interests or likes.

4: The anime industry is one of the biggest and most popular forms of animation in the world and your opinion isn’t going to stop that fact.

5: Nerd…really? 0 points for creativity, I mean if you’re going to insult people at least make it original. 

6: Stop living in the dark ages and thinking everything that is different and unique is uncool or weird.

7: Go give your derogatory opinions to someone who gives a flying fuck because you’re not going to find it here.