#singleafter30

I’m sure everyone who’s ever had a period of single-dom has been told “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself”, or some variation on that theme. There is certainly some truth in this, in that the more confident you feel and the more you appreciate yourself, the more someone else will understand and appreciate you and your value. This is something I have had particular difficulty with.

I have really underestimated my value for....most of my life. In recent years, I have continued to under-value myself even more - partially due to dating, the constant rejection and the fact that men often want to date me for one thing (and that only). It is hard to remember our value when it is pinned to how others see you, which has been my issue. I have always had a hard time saying no to people who have been interested in me because I have assumed that maybe no-one would ever like me again. I have had horrible, life changing experiences and I have had men tell me they were my fault, or that they weren’t as bad as I have made them out to be (that I’ve played the victim, or capitalised on what has happened to make myself out to be vulnerable). Those men aratte absolutely not worthy of spending a second of time with me, but they have also reminded me that I don’t want to continue devaluing myself.

I have found several things helpful in the process of trying to improve my own self worth.

1) Therapy. This isn’t for everyone, sure. I have found it really helpful, to take apart things that have happened to me and work through how my previous relationships have shaped my approach towards men and dating now. It’s difficult, and it unearths all sorts of things, but actually sometimes you need that to take it back to basics and remember how great you are. 

2) Shut down the negative thoughts. This is crazy hard. I now try and balance out the negative with something good - it’s sometimes the most challenging thing, but once you can appreciate there are some good things about yourself, it gets a little easier. Even if you use the same good thing for a week, it’s totally fine. 

3) Do things for you. I make sure I am now saving some time for just me - whether this is a face mask in the evening, or dying my hair or just going for a walk. It’s important to remember that you need some time for yourself, without interruptions, without thinking about other people and giving yourself time to process what’s going on in your life. I find the gym super helpful for this, but it is also something to help me de-stress from my job. I also know too many people in my gym, and I’m easily distracted by eyeing up interesting people or watchin the most horrendous weight-lifting form >.< 

4) Surround yourself with amazing, supportive people. Don’t surround yourself with those who are bringing you down, or who don’t value you as a person. You are amazing, and you are you. The best form of you, and the only form of you. Those around you should bring you up, support your dreams and be HONEST with you. We should be supporting ourselves and each other, peer-togetherness is so important and often forgotten about.

I have found that it’s really difficult to remind yourself of all the worth you have, and all the value you bring, when someone is messing you around. Especially when you really like that person. BUT it is so much better to be true to yourself, and I live in hope that the right person will see that value and show themselves to be worthy of my time.