#sinceiwasfour

literally THIS is why you are one of my favorite people ever. no matter what i do you’re on my team and i can’t even fucking imagine how i made it through these years without you. never leave me again please???

intimacy.

intimacy makes crowley highly uncomfortable, as does harmless body contact / touches / hugs. he’s not worried about getting hurt, nor does he fear intimacy, but it is very, very difficult for him to let it happen. he wants it, but part of him also believes that he shouldn’t be intimate with anybody, because that would mean tearing down endless walls of sass & what’s underneath is left vulnerable to the outside world. when he’s with someone, he does initiate a lot of touching once past a certain point, but it’s always with that little voice in his head preaching caution. there’s also the fact he doesn’t like speaking of the past, so it’s usually a problem when trying to get to share with other people. taking that step & speaking about his human life is hard, which also makes bonding difficult because his partners know he’s hiding things from them. 

sex.

despite being a demon ( therefore driven to sin lol ) crowley’s hardly interested in sex with random people. he will have sex when it’s thrusted upon him (i’m sorry), but he doesn’t look for it. he doesn’t search random partners for sex. he’s very un-demon-like when it comes to that & has most likely been the reason for a lot of chitchat in hell because of it. but then again we already know he’s different than most demons, right? crowley’s libido rises exponentially with how strongly he feels for someone. it doesn’t necessarily have to be love? like, friendship is enough to make him think about the possibility of having sex with someone. but yes, generally sex truly means something to him, probably also because of his past. when fergus’ wife died, he tried to fill the hole she left in his heart with sex - he closed his deal & just drowned in alcohol & ladies. it didn’t help of course, but hookups without emotional connections tend to remind him, which then reminds him of gavin, of losing the love of his human life etc. 

love.

oof. this is a hard, complex one for crowley. we know (thx 8.23) that deep down, love is what he truly wants, but feels he doesn’t deserve. it doesn’t help that everybody he fckn meets lets him know he’s unworthy of everything that doesn’t involve death & pain. all the changes crowley’s gone through since he met the winchesters has been a quiet, subtly cry for love. be it platonic or romantic. of course he’s exceptionally good at hiding his true reasons for things he does, but if you just look at everything that happened between season 5 and 12, you can’t deny he’s tried his damndest to become worthy of what he craves more than anything. love.

quick insert: this is truly one of the most hurtful things the spn writers have done to crowley fans tbh. they make him fight tooth and nail to become worthy in the winchesters’ eyes, worthy of friendship, love & affection.... then they let him die without giving it to him. he fought so fckn hard, he suffered so fckn much. what did he get? nothing with oreos on top. literally every other character even close to his level of appearance got love (not counting lucifer bc they messed him up anyway). dead or not. jody, bobby, rowena, gabriel, benny, cas... they all have it. then there’s crowley who didn’t even get one single friend. 

ahem, anyway. love. geez. he wants to be loved so fckn bad, he’s willing to change into something he’s not while pretending he doesn’t give a single shit. “I did it for me.” then there’s different kinds of love. 

there’s the “i’m the secret” love in which crowley knows he’s someone to be hidden from family & friends because he’s just a demon who can’t feel, obviously. it’s the majority of his love life (dean, cas, bobby, sam lol) and it’s not healthy in the long run because it feeds the voice saying he doesn’t deserve good things. usually it doesn’t hold too long without crowley bursting. 

then there’s the “you’re my king and i’d kiss ur feet if u asked me to” kind of love. something not too rare given he’s the king of hell. it’s pretty one-sided despite him loving the power over someone - it’s often not real. 

i just choked on my coffee wtf gabriel ahahaha

okay. *cracks knuckles* here we go!

@themisfortunateson - alexa. babe. wifey. another one of those people that i missed for years but who came back and found me and suddenly my life is complete again. but for starters, lemme just tell you how proud i am of how hard you worked in school this year and how you obviously have your priorities straight and i am so fucking proud of you for that. you’ve done such an amazing job this year and you deserve praise for that. but as far as roleplay goes? i’ve never met anyone that rp’s BOTH winchesters as perfectly as you do. from voice to personality, to the slightest movement illustrated in the written word, you have them down to a T and you absolutely amaze me every time i see your writing. idk how you do it but you are fucking perfect and i couldn’t be luckier, (and neither could ruby and she damn well knows it). to be able to write with you over the years has been such a blessing and i wouldn’t change it for anything.

@themonstrovs - rae is bae. idk what else to tell you. you know more about me personally than pretty much anyone in the rpc and thats a very dangerous thing as far as i’m concerned. need dirt on dorie? hit up rae. lol. nah but we’ve built worlds together that could rival real life as far as i’m concerned. the characters we share and the connections between each of them are like watching a real live tv show even though most of them are OCs lol. maybe we should think about writing a TV show at this point, because we might have money in the bank here and just not know it lol. and personally, you’re such an amazing and strong person and i’m hella lucky to have you in my life. thank you for being my friend :)

@imthelcstprincess - lissa how r u so sweet to me?? what did i do to deserve you?? actually that’s something both ruby and i wonder constantly when it comes to you and rapunzel. i did NOT see that friendship working out well (mostly because of ruby’s aversion to women in general) but it’s so nice to see she has a friend now! you’re both awesome and we’re both stupid lucky you’ve taken to us the way we’ve taken to you. your enthusiasm is both addictive and contagious and i’ll gladly roll around in it if it means keeping you. your writing is so great and it’s just perfect for how i imagine rapunzel would be. and i ain’t even mad about tswift because lbr she’s fucking adorable and the perfect fc so don’t let anyone tell you any different.

@tobeblamed - lou! lou! lou!!!! it’s so nice to see you on my dash again. i did miss you greatly. also we missed dean but we’ll keep that to ourselves so his ego can still fit on your BRAND NEW BLOG. it’s so strange seeing you move blogs tbh because you were in one place for so long but i’m glad you feel better about coming back with a brand new start. actually i’m just glad you’re here at all. you’re always so positive and so happy and you’ve literally stuck with me through so many years and so many muses and i’m just one of the luckiest people in the world to get to consider you a friend!!! :)