It's not the most exciting of stories, but it is the most important on my writing journey.
In 2019, it had been 3 years since I last wrote fanfiction. And those had been Marvel fics. My last time actively writing in the Harry Potter fandom was 2012.
The Snarry bug had struck. I felt the urge to write as I hadn't in so long. There was a scene in my head, so clear, and so exciting! But where to put it?
In ye olden days, I would build entire stories around a scene. Everything I wrote had to be big and grand.
But why?
I was home alone that day. My partner was at work. My laptop was open and I was pacing the floor. My mind was spinning in circles, trying to craft a whole complex plot for the sake of one scene.
So why not write...just that? Just that one scene?
Was that even allowed????
(If you know me, you know the standards I have for myself are Actually Insane.)
I can't tell you how long it took to bring me there. Or why it was so hard. After all, I'd written a few Marvel one shots. What was it about the HP fandom, or Snarry in particular, that felt like it needed to be more?
Maybe it was the scene itself, so in the middle of matters.
I don't know. All I do know is the sense of burden I felt. The panic. The desperation. And how I argued with myself. How I agonized in convincing myself to write that scene, just that scene. To write only what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it.
Sin Again is 705 words. It takes place shortly after Harry and Severus' first time together. There's no explanation to the first time. There's no real plot. The smut isn't overly detailed. It's not especially kinky.
There's nothing grand or important about it. It's hardly my best writing, either, seeing how much improvement I've seen the past three years.
Still, I'm proud of it. It's exactly what I envisioned. It's exactly what made me want to write again. And in tearing down my expectations, and allowing myself to follow my whims, I felt such freedom.
It was a revelation. My writing didn't have to be anything. It could just be fun. It could be however much or however little I desired. And for a gal constantly buried beneath a pile of ideas, this was especially thrilling. How much more could I explore by writing many of my very specific ideas?
Since then, I've written a lot. My AO3 account has 78 Harry Potter fanfics! All but 1 written in these past 3 years. (You & Me was written after Alan Rickman's death, in the middle of my Marvel obsession.) My writing has grown. I've explored so many ideas. Such specific ideas! I gave myself freedom, and I made the most of it.
Nowadays, I feel weighed down my own mind again. I've never been a person who balances well. I'm a lady of extremes, I'm afraid! I have work to do in setting aside my burdens, and unshackling myself from my expectations. And looking back at this story is a good reminder that...I'm allowed to write whatever I want. It can be anything. It doesn't have to tick boxes. It doesn't have to be better than the last work. It doesn't have to have plot. It doesn't have to be special. It doesn't have to perfect. It can just be.
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ANA~ 💕! I am here to collect the JUICY 👀. Here are prompt ideas : (B5) An overly romantic gesture that turns the other partner on way too much / (F6) Agianst a wall / (E13) Aftercare ~ don't feel restricted to add or discard F6 and E13 If they restrict your creativity 😘 Thankyou Ana ~
Your lips are chapped.
You sweep your tongue over them between hurried words. “And so I was sure it was a poem of some kind,” you tell Hadrian, your eyes wide in excitement. You were standing slightly in the tips of your toes, eagerly leaning closer to him. “But it’s more than that!”
Hadrian is oddly silent, but his eyes are intent on you, unwavering, so you take it as a sign he still listens. “Those little instructions at the corner?” you remind him and smile wide in triumph. “Gestures.”
His eyes track your smile. You lick your dry lips again and see the green in them darken. “It’s a ritual, Hadrian. The Latin instructions for-”
Suddenly, hard, frantic lips are against yours, swallowing your words and two strong hands grab you firmly by the waist. You squeal into his mouth as Hadrian lifts you up and then your back is against the wall, your front is trapped by his broad chest, your lips captured by his.
In a hard, uncompromising kiss.
Your eyes fly wide open as a knee is pushed between your legs to help support your weight. But then you close them again, tightly, as his tongue delves inside and you taste him. Taste is passion. His need. Your nails curl around his shoulders and you pull him closer, your mind reeling.
“Lord in Heaven but you are beautiful,” Hadrian growls by your ear when you come up for air, his voice low and rough. He’s breathing heavily, his chest heaving against yours. You stifle a moan when he lifts his knee higher. Purposely. “And smart. You are so, so smart.”
“H-Hadrian,” you babble because you don’t know what else to say. Not when his eyes are boring into yours like this. Not when his hands guide your hips in gentle circles, sliding along his thigh, and you throw your head back as stars begin to dance behind your eyelids.
“So, so beautiful,” a breathing by your throat, and you bite your swollen lips as teeth graze the side of your neck, and then lips suck your jaw. One of his hand leaves your hip, sliding up towards your chest and you do moan then, loudly.
“Let me workship you, love” Hadrian begs, and you crack open your fevered eyes just enough to see his face. So close and red and eager. So lovely. “Please.”
You can only nod. And then you’re being carried by two strong arms against a hard chest with a wildly beating heart to the privacy of your shared bedroom.
- - -
A soft hand intertwines with the fine, delicate hairs at the back of your head. The nails are sharp but careful as they roam your scalp. It sends warm, beckoning waves down your back and make your toes curl deliciously.
You have your eyes closed, and your body melts.
And then the hand vanishes. You groan in protest and listen to Alessa’s answering chuckle. Soft lips on your forehead, a fluttering kiss, and then cold fingers on your neck. They wander down and sprawl across the expanse of your back. Then freeze.
“I may have… overreacted,” comes her soft voice, still gravely from your earlier exertions.
You frown and lift your head to look at her. You’re lying on your bed, belly down, and Alessa is spread at your side. Her hair is down, and wild, spilling over one slender shoulder. Her cheeks are still flushed, and her eyes soft.
In a way they only are when you’re alone together.
“What do you mean?” you ask her.
Alessa studies your back, a grimace on her lovely face. She presses her fingers more firmly in one spot and you groan. It stings. “My nails,” she explains, biting her lip. “I did not mean to hurt you so, darling one. I-”
You can’t help the satisfaction you feel at her words. “Couldn’t control yourself, uh?” you grin smugly, and Alessa’s frown eases as she laughs.
“You are much too irresistible for control,” she says lightly, and you fall in love with the way her eyes shine. She leans in and kisses you on the lips. Lingering.
Your grin warms to a fond smile. “So I’ve been told,” you joke and then look at her seriously. “But really, Alessa, don’t worry about some scratches. I’ve dealt with much worse. I don’t mind.”
You make to hug her, wanting her closer, when she slips out of the bed. “But I do,” she tells you before you have the chance to protest. She opens a drawer and comes back with a little glass bottle in hand.
“What’s that?” you ask, but Alessa merely puts a firm hand on your lower back, forcing you down onto the mattress. Next, she sits across your backside.
“A balm,” she says, and you feel her clever fingers on you again. They’re coated in a cooling liquid, that fills the room with a light smell. It immediately gives you some relief, the sting easing, and you sigh.
Your eyelids grow heavier as Alessa keeps massaging your muscles. Your mind gets hazier, your body further away. Soft lips brushing your shoulder is the last thing you feel before you sink into dreamland.
Rest now, darling one.
- - -
And so a deal was struck. Hope you enjoy this, Little Crow. 🖤
I'm trying not to be bitter I'm trying to stay sane I can't tell if you're doing better Because you still taste the same. In the lonely meantime I changed my name Forgot my crime Burned away my skin Broke all my bones For a body better fitting To sin again.
I'm trying not to be bitter I'm trying to stay sane I can't tell if you're doing better Because you still taste the same. In the lonely meantime I changed my name Forgot my crime Burned away my skin Broke all my bones For a body better fitting To sin again.
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Our sin nature is very much like an evil genius. In Romans 5, Paul said that sin entered the world through Adam and had absolute command over everyone born since him. But for those of us who are united with Christ, the reign of sin or its lordship over us was broken when Jesus died on the cross. We were united with Christ in his death, and we will be united with him in his resurrection; we are to experience newness of life.
So sin is an evil genius locked in a dungeon, no longer free to carry out its awful intentions but retaining the power to persuade. And if you and I are fools, we will periodically climb down the stairs to the dungeon and listen to the voice of the evil genius twisting the truth that God has given us, finding the chinks in our armor where we are most vulnerable, preying upon our weaknesses.
If you "dabble" in sin, you're hooked again. The problem is not whether sin could possibly be fun for the moment, but what it is going to lead to. It does have a course; we can't just start with a particular sin and stop with that same sin. If we start, we will sell ourselves to the ownership of a master who is ultimately going to pay us in wages of death.
Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. Matt. 12: 31.
Whatever the sin, if the soul repents and believes, the guilt is washed away in the blood of Christ; but he who rejects the work of the Holy Spirit is placing himself where repentance and faith cannot come to him. It is by the Spirit that God works upon the heart; when men willfully reject the Spirit, and declare it to be from Satan, they cut off the channel by which God can communicate with them. When the Spirit is finally rejected, there is no more that God can do for the soul. . . .
It is not God that blinds the eyes of men or hardens their hearts. He sends them light to correct their errors, and to lead them in safe paths; it is by the rejection of this light that the eyes are blinded and the heart hardened. Often the process is gradual, and almost imperceptible. Light comes to the soul through God's word, through His servants, or by the direct agency of His Spirit; but when one ray of light is disregarded, there is a partial benumbing of the spiritual perceptions, and the second revealing of light is less clearly discerned. So the darkness increases, until it is night in the soul. . . .
It is not necessary for us deliberately to choose the service of the kingdom of darkness in order to come under its dominion. We have only to neglect to ally ourselves with the kingdom of light. . . . The most common manifestation of the sin against the Holy Spirit is in persistently slighting Heaven's invitation to repent. Every step in the rejection of Christ is a step toward the rejection of salvation, and toward the sin against the Holy Spirit.
When the soul surrenders itself to Christ, a new power takes possession of the new heart. A change is wrought which man can never accomplish for himself. It is a supernatural work, bringing a supernatural element into human nature. The soul that is yielded to Christ becomes His own fortress, which He holds in a revolted world, and He intends that no authority shall be known in it but His own. A soul thus kept in possession by the heavenly agencies is impregnable to the assaults of Satan.
April sighed in relief as she pushed open her apartment door and the cool air hit her face. She entered quickly and shut the door, not wanting to heat the place up too much. Of course, she would have to go out on one of the hottest days on record for the summer. 'Ugh, I can't wait to get some shorts on....' she thought as she slid her laptop bag off her shoulder to the floor and reached for the pins holding up her hair. Just the walk from the car to her door had made her sweat enough that she felt like her makeup was running off her face.
The message light on her phone was blinking. "Huh." She crossed the room and settled into her chair to check the message. 'Nita, in her usually excited state, had left her demand that April call back as soon as she came in, cause "hot and British" was looking for her. She quirked a brow. 'Well, well, well... Looks like my day is looking up.'
She returned the call and laughed when 'Nita answered. "Girl, it's about time you dragged your ass back. How was it?"
"Boring, as I expected. Has he been waiting long?"
"Only all damn day! He called in around ten am the first time. I told him I'd text him when you got in."
"No, that's okay. Let me."
"You know that's.."
"It'll be fine. He's never gotten a text from the service before, right? He'll never know it was me and not the standard notification."
Nita sighed, then rattled off the number. "You are asking for trouble, if you ask me. Even if he sounds like sex on a stick, ain't no man worth losing a good job over."
April picked up her cell phone and started typing. "You know me, always looking for some way to make things interesting. Patch him through when he calls. I'm dying over here. I gotta grab something to drink."
"Okay sweetness. Stay cool. I swear I went outside earlier on my break and started sweating like I was at church!"
-Hi Tom. I understand you've been trying to reach me today. Please call my office at your earliest convenience. - Sabrina
She hit send and set the cell phone aside. She hadn't been lying when she said she was thirsty, but she was also desperate to get out of these confining clothes and into something cooler. 'And if it's easier to take off...' she smirked to herself. She packed a glass with ice, adding cold water from the pitcher she kept in the fridge and took several long swallows. It numbed her throat almost instantly and she refilled the glass again. The phone started ringing and she stalked back to grab her mic.
"Nita?"
"I told you he was chomping at the bit. Damn, you must have turned that boy out!"
April laughed. "Just put him through. I'll give you the goods later."
"You better. I'm living vicariously till this kid makes his appearance."
The line clicked and April smiled, dropping immediately into her phone persona. "Hello, Tom. Sorry I missed your call earlier."
"Yes, they said you'd be unavailable most of the day. Terribly busy?" Under his teasing tone, she caught just a touch of envy. The fact of life was that she had several regular clients, but the key to keeping them all happy was making them all feel special, like they were the only one that mattered. Luckily, in this case, the truth really did serve her purpose.
"No, I've been so bored all day. I just got in. I had to spend the day at the courthouse."
"Oh? Nothing troubling, I hope?"
"Nope, even us independent phone contractors get called for jury duty every so often. You actually caught me as I was just going to change. One of the judges is a real bastard and he sent me home last time I was there a few months ago because my jeans and tee shirt were not proper court room attire.” She rolled her eyes. “I've been stuck in this outfit all day and I can't wait to get out of it!" April took another drink of water and pulled at one of the pins in her hair, sighing in relief as the tension on her scalp relaxed.
"All dressed up? Don't change just yet, love.... What are you wearing?"
"Right now? Entirely too much."
"I agree, but I would very much like to know what I'll be stripping off you. Are you in your bedroom yet?"
April grinned. "Well, who's the professional here?"
"Well, darling, it's my fantasy and I plan to be in charge. So, please, get your hot little self into that bedroom. I do have quite the afternoon in mind."
She purred into the phone. "Since you asked so nicely..." April checked to make sure her door was locked and walked into the bedroom. She laid her glass down on the bedside table and turned on some music. "So, can I at least take my hair down or is that all part of your master plan?"
"Ah ah... today your hands are mine. Allow me. Taken them out, one at a time. I want to see those lovely dark locks fall down around your face. I imagine they're wavy from being bound up all day."
April pulled out the second bobby pin and dropped it on the table, rolling her head side to side with a sigh. "I hate having my hair up all day."
"Just a moment or two longer.. How many pins are left?"
"A couple, I think." She pulled out the third pin and the careful bun she'd put in that morning tumbled down into a ponytail. She couldn't hold back the moan. God, it felt so good to get her hair down. It was too heavy on her head like that all day. "There, now I just need to get this elastic out and I'm free."
"A ponytail? Leave it in then. I think I want something to tug on later." April shivered as his voice dropped and the image filled her head. "You like that idea, me having your ponytail wrapped tight around my hand? Using it to guide you right where I want you?"
April shivered. “I do. And you know it.”
“My dear, I imagine you look lovely still. Tell me, what did you wear to the court today? Did the judge like your attire?”
“I never saw him, so I don't know. Hopefully, you like it. At least then my day won't have been a total waste.”
“I will. I'm sure you look wonderful in anything you wear. Now, what will I be helping you out of later?”
April grinned. “I decided to wear a skirt. Black, pencil, knee length. Red dress shirt, because white is boring. Black under-bust vest. Black knee high boots."
"My dear, I think it's a good thing you were not called into that courtroom today. I suspect dressed like that, you'd have been sent straight to the judge's private chambers. God knows, I'm merely imagining it right now and I would desperately want to get you alone. I wonder, though, with those boots on, if I pulled you against me right now, how far I'd have to lean down to kiss that mouth?"
"Lean down?" April laughed. "Either you're really tall or you think I'm really short. How tall are you?"
"Hmm... and will that change your answer?"
"I don't know. How secure are you?"
"Oh, I'm quite secure in my own body. Have no fear on that part. I'm six foot two in my sock feet."
"Then, you better have shoes on if you plan to lean down. In these boots, I'm eye to eye with you."
Tom made a noise at the other end of the line. For a moment, she couldn't tell what he was doing, or thinking. "I have to say, that's novel for me. Most of the women I deal with in my daily life are more... petite. I think I want to pull you against me and kiss you even more now. I wonder how patient I could be that that before I wanted more."
"Well, we already both know you're going to get more, so why be patient about it?"
His voice dropped and there was an edge to it, as if his control was slipping, just a little. "Darling girl, you're pushing it. If I were there right now, I'd be hard pressed not to have you up against the wall right now."
April groaned, shifting her weight in the boots to press her thighs together. "I wouldn't have a problem with that."
No, I don't doubt you would," he replied with a low chuckle. "You'd best scramble up that toy of yours, because I think I haven't the patience anymore to draw this out." As April was stepping closer to her bed to open her drawer, she heard him speak again. "I know exactly how I want you now."
"Oh? And how is that?"
"Is there a mirror in your bedroom? Preferably full length?"
"Only my entire closet door."
"What's on the wall opposite?"
"My dresser. Why?" April quirked her lip up. She had a very definite idea, why, but she wanted to hear him say it, if only to hear the sound of it in that voice.
"Because that's where I'd be pushing you, trapping you between the wall and the entire length of my body. I want to catch that gorgeously filthy mouth of yours and kiss you until we're both breathless."
April licked her lips, crossing the room unconsciously to drop bob on the dresser, turning to lean back against the wall. She gasped as the coolness of it filtered through her shirt and across her back. It felt wonderful against her heated skin, and she licked her lips again, sliding her hands over the front of her clothing slowly. “And once I was breathless, then what?”
His voice was deep, and it sent a spike straight to her stomach, where it spiraled out heat through the rest of her. “I'd start working on the front of your vest. Unbutton it for me.”
She slipped each button free, one at a time, starting at the hem and working her way up. The backs of her hands brushed the undersides of her breasts and she breathed out his name. Her back arched off the wall slightly and she wished she had him there to press her back to it, to feel herself caught between the cool plaster and the heat of his body.
“Yes darling, that's it. Now, the shirt. Start at the top. Faster. I want to see those lovely breasts.” April followed his direction and unbuttoned the shirt faster than the vest, tugging the hem free from her skirt. “Gorgeous,” he breathed into the phone, into her ear, as the fabric rustled. “What color lingerie are you wearing, Sabrina love?”
“Black...” She responded, unbuttoning the cuffs at her wrists.
“Ah ah... no, leave it all on for now. I just want to look at you for a moment. So wild under all that restraining clothing. You want me to touch you now, don't you, Sabrina? Feel my hands all over you?”
“Yes,” she breathed into the phone, twisting her hips and letting her head roll slightly to one side. “Touch me, Tom. I'm burning up...”
“But you can burn hotter, can't you? I'd love to cup your breasts right now, run my thumbs over your nipples through your bra, teasing you.” Her hands took up the movement of his words and her eyes fluttered closed. “Pinch them for me.”
“Oh god..” her eyes rolled behind the closed lids and her hips twitched. “Tom, you're making me crazy here...”
“I can hear that. You sounds so delicious. I don't think I could stop myself from tasting your skin, burying my face in your neck, finding just the place that makes you gasp. I certainly wouldn't be able to keep my hands off your breasts. This bra, does it clasp in the front or the back?”
“Back..” she gasped, his voice causing the earpiece to vibrate in her ear and make her shiver all over.
“Damn, I guess I'll just have to pull the cups out of the way then. I want to taste you all over, Sabrina darling. See if you taste as sweet as you did last time.”
April licked the tip of her finger and dragged it over one nipple. It hardened immediately in the cool air. She ran her fingers over each one, slow, gentle, imagining a man's head dipped in front of her, mouth closed over the sensitive flesh. “Fuck... “ One hand dropped to the front of her skirt, bunching up the fabric in her fist.
“I bet you're ready for me, aren't you love?”
“Yes,” her hand slid up under the skirt, drifting over the front of her panties and she moaned.
“Oh no... no fair getting ahead of me, darling. Push your skirt up around your waist for me. Are you wearing stockings?”
“No, too hot today...”
“Hmm... one less thing to get out of my way, and such lovely long legs. I'd touch that sweet little nub, right through your panties.”
The pads of her fingers barely brushed over her mound , and lower to her clit. Immediately, the fabric under her fingers was soaked. She moaned out loud, her hips tilting away from the wall. “I am so wet right now....”
The groan he made in response made her knees weak for a moment. “I can't wait anymore. I need to be inside you, love. Right now. I'm so hard for you, god, it almost hurts. If I were there right now, I'd be shoving my pants out of the way, pulling that little scrap of panties aside and driving into you so hard, so fast. God, Sabrina, I'd have your leg around my waist, dragging me in.”
The image. God. April did exactly that, fumbling blindly for her vibrator with one hand as the other pulled the wet fabric aside. She drove the toy home with a single movement, moaning out loud as it slid in slick and easy. Her legs spread, bowed, to take it in. “Oh my god...”
“That's it, Sabrina, take me in. I can't hold on much longer.” His voice was already ragged, and it ramped her up another level. “I have to have you right now, here against the wall with our clothes still on.”
She withdrew the toy slowly and then drove it back, hard, fast, deep. Her head bounced off the wall behind her and she moaned. “Yes, fuck yes..... Tom, don't stop...”
“No, not just yet... god, I'm nearly there already. Come for me, Sabrina. Oh, damn... let me feel you come around me first.”
It wasn't taking much, but still she reached down and flicked the vibrator up to full speed as she moved, her hips pulling away from the wall to meet each drive forward of her hand. She could see it in her mind, his hips pinning her to the wall as he drove into her, her legs around his waist to keep him close. She stuttered out his name, her voice rising a little as the rush of sensation drove her up onto her toes.
“Al- almost... come for me, Sabrina... oh god...”
It hit so suddenly, she flung out an arm to steady herself, to keep from falling to the floor. She bit down on her lower lip, half screaming his name. Her knees were going to fail her, she was breaking apart...
“Yes, you sound so good, Sabrina.... god.... hold onto me. So nearly there.... Oh, I can feel you clutching at my back, I can't stop... can't....”
April's eyes flew open and she saw the ceiling. She had to get him off. This was too fucking amazing not to share... screw the job. “God, Tom... good thing... you have your..... shirt on still, I might leave marks on your back... Don't stop.... don't fucking stop!”
The groan she heard him make took her out at the knees and she ended up falling toward the dresser, leaning into it heavily. “Fuck.. fuck yes...” He cursed, the words broken only by the occasional gasp as he came. “Sweet Jesus...” he breathed.
April turned off the vibrator, withdrawing it and dropping it to the floor. She was so boneless, she couldn't have moved if she'd tried. She chuckled, “Good God Tom, where have you been all my life?”
He laughed. “All over, and in the wrong places, I would think. Holy.... that was not at all what I had in mind when I called you today, you know?”
“You didn't plan to completely ravage me?”
“Oh, no, that I planned. I had hoped to make it to the bed and at least get us out of our clothes first though.” She heard him swallow. “I bet you look so well-fucked right now. Look in the mirror... at yourself. How do you look?”
April raised her head from the wall, taking a breath or two as she forced her brain to work. She looked at the mirror across the room. Against the pale wall, she was a tangle of hastily shoved aside clothing, breasts spilling from the cleavage of her bra, sweat-dampened hair sticking to her cheeks, the post-orgasmic flush still spread over her face and down the column of her throat. It was... “positively pornographic.”
“Damn.... I just bet you do. I think if we could both recall how our legs work, we could make it to the bed and continue this more comfortably. God knows, I want to hear you make that noise again. Maybe if I drag my tongue up the inside of your thigh, you'll do it for me again?”
She inhaled, shaking. “That noise?” Stumbling, she managed to get to the bed and fall onto it on her back.
“Almost. I want to hear that one that sounds like you're screaming, but not. Were you biting your lip?”
“Maybe....”
“A sound like that should never be held back. Well, maybe not in church...” April giggled at his teasing, but stopped when she heard a noise over the line, like ringing. “Damn, that's my other line, hold on a tic while I see what they want?”
April lay back on her bed, breathing hard. She brought one leg up and unzipped her boot, pulling it off and wiggling her toes with a gasp. She was unzipping the second when he came back to her. “Darling girl, I'm afraid I must go. Something's come up.”
“Nothing bad I take it?” She pulled off the second boot with a sigh and wiggled all her toes.
“Don't make that noise. It makes it much harder for me to leave right now. I think after that, I'd need at least two more rounds of thoroughly debauched sex before I was done.”
April stopped in the middle of pulling off her sock. “Two more? Okay, that tears it, I'm letting you go now or else you're not leaving for hours.”
“I don't want to leave, not just yet.”
She smiled at the ceiling. “I know. But you wouldn't have apologized if you didn't have to actually go. Go on. I think I'm going to take a very long nap. But, if you can get away, you know how to find me...” She yawned a little at the last part. “I think being bored all day exhausted me....”
“And I'm sure that a good hard fuck against a wall had nothing to do with that either.,”
“Oh no... not at all. Go, Tom. Take care of whatever it is. Call me again if you want. If not, I'm sure we'll talk again soon.”
