When I was a teenager I was really into transhumanism, I think because it offered this hypothetical release valve, a way to escape the body as it started to fail, to replace parts that didn't work and achieve something closer to being the idealized mind that's not so dependent on the weak flesh.

Omg I am so embarrassed.

So basically Im trying to get a drivers license and I was driving with my teacher/instructor. He is thirty something Im not really sure. But at one point he told me to make a U turn, so i reach down to change gears while keeping my eyes on the road and I accidentally grab his THIGH!!! instead of the gear thingy, omg. And that wasnt even the worst part…

For like a good 30 seconds i didnt even NOTICE because i was too nervous to make a U turn, and then i SQUEEZED his THIGH omg!!?!? Girl noo!😭😵‍💫

Im so fucking embarrassed, but he was nice about it trying not to make me too awkward because when i finally did notice, my face turned all RED because of how CLOSE my hand was to his (yk). He gently grabbed my hand and put it on the thingy, telling me not to worry but i was PANICKING😟

I almost crashed and he had to lean over and grab the steering wheel while stopping the car. I was SPEECHLESS, totally embarrassed and red in the drivers seat. He stops the car and tries to comfort me, giving me some water and patting my head because I was REALLY embarrassed and it was only the START of the lesson.

Anyways after a short break he tells me to start the car again, and I do, still hadnt processed what just happened properly. He reaches around me and puts my SEATBELT on OMGG!?! We continue driving, for like another hour, and he kept reassuring and praising me, and it made me kinda…

At one point i tell him that I cant see the road properly because the chair was too low, so he reaches over my thighs, and tries to lift the chair from my side of the door. I got butterflies and blushed so badly, trying not to freak the fuck out, because his arms touched my boobs and thighs while he was trying to make it work… it honestly turned me on so much…😭😵‍💫

Him calling me good girl/sweetie or saying good job, to me every time i drove correctly didnt help at ALL…😞😡

But in the middle of it, as I blamed myself, feared for my life, and wondered how anyone could feel so fucking horrible and survive, I asked myself what it would be like to love myself.

It was a delirious question and I nearly dismissed it. But as I thought about it, I realized that every time I "try and get healthy" I fall into the same trap. I think maybe I'll drink less and eat a little better and try and exercise. I'll mediate some and start to feel better. And then quickly it moves into, losing weight and changing my body and looking hot and feeling sexier and more attractive. And within a month of "trying to get healthy" I realize I'm not meeting my goal of "becoming more sexy" and it all falls apart.

So I came back to myself and said, okay, no, not that. What would it be like to love yourself? You know. The same way you love your wife?

And I had to pause in my delirium and fever induced fantasy and let myself go for a moment. Maybe if I loved myself more I would drink less but I'd also stop beating myself up when I don't. Maybe I'd smoke less and maybe I'd move my body and also stop judging myself all the damn time. Maybe I'd forgive myself as much as I supported myself and maybe I'd start to find empathy where I used to find disgust.

It feels silly. Like the start to a self-help book I don't want to read.

But it also feels so absolutely normal and obvious that I have to laugh a little.

So I'm starting with a little meditation here and there. Just something to make me pause and see what's going on under the hood. And to remind myself of my silly little goal of loving myself the way I love others.

Because when I asked myself the question, "what if I loved myself?" I realized very fully the implication behind it. Which, of course, is that right now, I don't.

ok random rambling will start now

We all know Shelby killed pyro. Super cool you go girly! But she didn’t have claws so she was literally punching him to death which is like, super slow. And pyro said he didn’t want to hurt her…

but what if he fought back :0

he had weapons on him and would most definitely win the fight so Shelby would be dead, already sad and everything. But here’s the cool part;

1. Pyro fighting back would make that take longer 2. Scott got to the castle moments after pyro died… so he would probably get there just in time to see Shelby die…