My Si demon manifests in so many ways that it's sometimes impossible to believe that it's in fact a shadow function. It's always working it's way into my daily life. Due to having Si in such a low place and Ni as my dom, it is a real struggle to remember the exact details of things I want to remember but on the other hand, I remember insignificant details and bad memories which I try to make sense of in the most illogical and Ni dom way possible. Having such a drama packed childhood with hardly any memories to look back at without judging myself and my actions, I try to scrounge for the best of them but I don't remember anything. Sometimes I regret being someone with an affinity for the abstract because I literally forget faces, names, places because I want to only think about what it represents. My senses trigger past memories that I like or dislike and then I try to latch onto them or run away as far as possible. I can never learn from my past experiences but I don't like to repeat them. I've never been in one place mentally or physically. I don't know who, what or where to call home so isolating myself is the best and only comforting option. But I forget that I internally hold doors to demons I don't wish to unleash so then my Se Inferior kicks in. Which is great. I have absolutely no discipline and as much as i hate being restricted in that way, I sometimes wish I cared enough about myself and what I do, how i look, my health and what I eat. I am so detached from reality that I cannot make this idealistic version of me turn into reality. I involve myself into watching shows/movies, reading books to substitute my actual feelings with the feelings of fictional characters and stories just so I don't have to think about the trauma of my own life. I feel so overwhelmed by people and their pain that I wish I could take it away from them, while I completely forget that I have my own stuff to deal with. I love the functions that make up INFJs but as a whole its a fucking shit show to be an INFJ when you are unhealthy (I'm speaking for myself not every INFJ out there). God, i can't wait for the day I become healthy.

There is no fun in looking back and reminiscing on events. The only "fun" I have from looking back is the feeling of melancholy that I enjoy. As an Ni dom, the future, the uncertain, the unknown are more enamouring prospects. Even the present for that matter, if Se is used in a healthy way. Facts don't make space for emotions. And for me personally, a bad past doesn't prove anything to the hopeful. I only remember abstract emotions and subtext of those moments. My brain refuses to give actions and lessons from the past importance. I don't know what that says about me or whether it's a common theme with INFJs but I know that we are not fans of realistic memories, just concepts and themes. And i may remember things that, i felt at that moment would be required in the future or things that just automatically registered in my head. But that is all thanks to my Se and Ni. What I'm trying to say is, that it's hard to have a healthy relationship with your demon function. In my case, Si. I don't know how long it will take for me to develop one or if it will ever happen. We'll just have to wait and see if the only way I will ever view my past experiences is not masochistically.