#shutuptaylor

Am I actually unhappy in this new situation or is that the deeply ingrained Self Sabotage talking?

I want to be that person someone can just chill with. That someone was to chill with. And adventures. If I’m with the person idc if you hang out with others.. just don’t push me away. Be blunt. Be honest. I’ll be ok. I’ll get it right.. just want the chance..

Someone anyone. Just sacrifice something for me. Please. Maybe then I’ll feel like I’m important.

I don't know what I feel. I feel numb... I just want to be the person that would make everyone happy enough. But I am no where near that even though I try so fucking hard to be. Part of me wishes that I would have OD today.. but.. I don't know guys.. This is hard.. My best friend probably hates me now.. My relationship.. I was getting better because of all of these things before and now they are just all fucking me up. Everything is fucking me up and I just want to leave this place.. leave everything.. but you. I don't know why it is that way.. I was so reassured in the beggining.. My heart just hurts constantly and half the time I don't even known why it is.. I try to block everything out but everything reminds me of something else.. I try hard to be a good person, to be the person that people want to be around, but I know Im not and the people that did want to be around me have left. Fuck, if it was me.. I would leave me too. I'm nothing. I'm a waste of air and space. I thought I was proved wrong, but now I am debating it. Maybe it would have been better if I left this world three years ago with my dad. Everyone said it would get better, and it did, just to get worse. I don't understand life and I am trying to be the hope that others see one day. To be able to say, "I was in a really tough place but now I can see it's worth it." I don't want to be proved wrong again.. My letters are written.. I have everything to just leave.. Maybe I am just too scared to actually do it.. Scared to hurt you.. but sometimes I think that would be the best thing to do. To save everyone from meeting me. From ever to actually have to talk to me again. For the dissapointment that I bring. I'm sorry to whomever actually stops to read this, I am just ranting to stop me from doing something I shouldn't, even though it probably will happen. I just want my lovely mess. With no one else in it. I'm sacrificing my heart for this. I've gotten rid of everyone I knew to cause problems. I just hope that it's enough this time. I am still counting my days.. I don't want them to run out.. but it's looking more and more like they might. I don't know.. Being alone is scaring me.. being alive is scaring me. You're scaring me but your the most comforting thing to me. If this is the end.. I wish it was just quicker for my life.