#shroudwolves

Book today marks a new beginning.

I spent some of my night with Faysal, I was finally up to speaking to him about my feeling about my mother. On that regard He and I are still of one mind, we will set up the meeting with her in Zayaat’s chosen location for next Sennight. I ran in to Kaza next, I was playing my flute to Mother Moon. I want to take him to the Stepps with me someday, we can have a great hunt and then he can stay at the Dancing Tiger with me. Show him Rahja’s dancing as we eat our hunt and the tribe greets him as a hunter.

I was drawing at the Shroudwolf’s den when Ana came home from her day. We spared, and it was a good fight, she is very fast with her staff. I believe it was her claws from a young age. I got her once but in the end she was the victor.

She used magic I had not seen before, I wonder if it is older clan magics. I would not know from my clan, seeing most blood clans shun magics. She has asked me to be her successor, the maiden of the clan. Book, I am taken back by such an honor. I know that there will be much to learn. Book, for what I know I am a tad old already for her to make this offer. Though I know that she sees the war we are not fighting. She still has to talk to Sain and Aisha, her Priestess and first Huntress. For now I look forward to learning and continue to teach the new hunters.

I am the Shadow of the Shroud.

This feels right to me, my purpose my new calling? Though it is not the safest of paths to walk, I find Shadows often end up dying alone. Honest this is natural to me, and I have been doing it as long as I have been away from the caves.

Book I know I have not been writing in your pages, I hope now that I am feeling.. Better? Perhaps I am just getting used to this feeling. This is what it is like to feel alone in the world, to not have my brother there with me.

I wonder if Faysal feels Mila there with him? I know she is there, Zasha showed me what she sees. I wonder if he knows she cares or cared about him? He has always held her in suspicion, especially with how it ended.

I have been thinking about learning how to heal, I mean properly learn. Right now I think I am hurting myself when I use it. I have not been doing well, but now I am just trying to hide it. Weakness, nausea, head hurts.. and feeling the cold death creeping up on me. I know Papa is trying to hard to be there and help me every night. I think.. I need to find a way to heal my soul.

Kaza is doing much better, he is starting to face the loss and accept it. I saw him truly smile the other day. I need to catch up with Angel and see how he is. As for Mushy, he has taken his place in the clan, and Ana is happy with him.

Faysal an I have spent time together, I enjoy being around him. I need him, while he says I keep him from madness. He keeps the color in my life, keeps me looking forward and feeling alive. I have needed him this past sun, I have heard of things that bother me deeply.

Zayaat has spoken with my mother, I believe Zayaat offered her a deal. I do not know what words were said, or how Zayaat came to believe she understands my mother. I do not believe Zayaat understands her, I do not know what Zayaat is seeing. This will be my only chance to get back what she took, I will take full advantage of this. Even if I do not or can not take him back, I want the choice. Book, I know you do not understand, I do not think many can. He was not taken, like one would kidnap a person. There are fragments left behind, shard of him, I can still feel some of the Abyss, but it is about as strong as it was before the seals were removed. If I can get it back, it may be just shards and fragments. I am realizing now, nothing will be as it was, even if I can heal him, he will never be with me again.

So my mother, the only thing I can think of is, yet again her plans had failed. She wants to survive, or at least have that chance to have her honored death. I have not seen any of the blood clan around her. She is clanless, and old.

Words of her goals make me think, perhaps to hard. She wanted to bring the the great hunt to this world. She wanted to summon the dread wolf here? The old ways do not translate well into Eorzean. So it could be she had plans to summon a primal? Perhaps in some way my brother and I would have been what she wanted. One who wants to consume all, the other who… What do I want?

Book, I want to be me.. My mother broke some of the things that would have made me ‘good’ even if many who like me say I am good. I do not feel guilt, I have to rely on those I trust to keep me from doing more harm.