#colmillo santo

I am the Shadow of the Shroud.

This feels right to me, my purpose my new calling? Though it is not the safest of paths to walk, I find Shadows often end up dying alone. Honest this is natural to me, and I have been doing it as long as I have been away from the caves.

Book I know I have not been writing in your pages, I hope now that I am feeling.. Better? Perhaps I am just getting used to this feeling. This is what it is like to feel alone in the world, to not have my brother there with me.

I wonder if Faysal feels Mila there with him? I know she is there, Zasha showed me what she sees. I wonder if he knows she cares or cared about him? He has always held her in suspicion, especially with how it ended.

I have been thinking about learning how to heal, I mean properly learn. Right now I think I am hurting myself when I use it. I have not been doing well, but now I am just trying to hide it. Weakness, nausea, head hurts.. and feeling the cold death creeping up on me. I know Papa is trying to hard to be there and help me every night. I think.. I need to find a way to heal my soul.

Kaza is doing much better, he is starting to face the loss and accept it. I saw him truly smile the other day. I need to catch up with Angel and see how he is. As for Mushy, he has taken his place in the clan, and Ana is happy with him.

Faysal an I have spent time together, I enjoy being around him. I need him, while he says I keep him from madness. He keeps the color in my life, keeps me looking forward and feeling alive. I have needed him this past sun, I have heard of things that bother me deeply.

Zayaat has spoken with my mother, I believe Zayaat offered her a deal. I do not know what words were said, or how Zayaat came to believe she understands my mother. I do not believe Zayaat understands her, I do not know what Zayaat is seeing. This will be my only chance to get back what she took, I will take full advantage of this. Even if I do not or can not take him back, I want the choice. Book, I know you do not understand, I do not think many can. He was not taken, like one would kidnap a person. There are fragments left behind, shard of him, I can still feel some of the Abyss, but it is about as strong as it was before the seals were removed. If I can get it back, it may be just shards and fragments. I am realizing now, nothing will be as it was, even if I can heal him, he will never be with me again.

So my mother, the only thing I can think of is, yet again her plans had failed. She wants to survive, or at least have that chance to have her honored death. I have not seen any of the blood clan around her. She is clanless, and old.

Words of her goals make me think, perhaps to hard. She wanted to bring the the great hunt to this world. She wanted to summon the dread wolf here? The old ways do not translate well into Eorzean. So it could be she had plans to summon a primal? Perhaps in some way my brother and I would have been what she wanted. One who wants to consume all, the other who… What do I want?

Book, I want to be me.. My mother broke some of the things that would have made me ‘good’ even if many who like me say I am good. I do not feel guilt, I have to rely on those I trust to keep me from doing more harm.

I am trying to write in you again Book.

I did as I promised Angel and I spoke to Papa, he will be taking care of me for now. I do not like being dependent on anyone, it is hard for me to ask for this help. I will have to make a choice on what I want to do.  I know death is not an acceptable answer, so.. maybe I can find some other way. I know that finding my Mother and taking back what she took is an option.. I .Book I can not face her again.  

On a walk, aimless wandering really, I heard someone playing a violin. I followed the sound to a familiar place, the Watcher’s den. Kaz was playing there it was a desperate song but one I liked nonetheless. He wanted me to hear it to go to him, his soul is broken and his mind reels from the pain of the memories. I listen, and we speak of what harms him so, I have love for this one, though such thoughts will only complicate things for him. I will admire, and aid yet in the end, he deserves someone who is not broken. My heart has taken me down this path before, it only ends in pain. So as a friend we will mourn the ones lost and hopefully his soul will begin to heal. It will take time, and I do not know how much time he will give before his guilt turns to rage and he rushes off to fight the Bear. The Bear is a blood clan, likely one of the few left. I would not be surprised if they come down from the north. There is little space in the twelve’s wood for such a clan. I dare not tell him what I know of clans like Bear, I do not want to see him rush off to die.. Worse I do not wish him to know of my blood.. I have found the ones of the clan I help, and care for, see me in such a good light. I have to much love for him, it would hurt to see him look at me as he will look at the Bear someday.

Speaking with Zasha today helped me feel much better, I have had such a growing fear since they saved me. Fear of change, fear of losing my Faysal because of it. The moment my hands glowed with healing light.. I almost broke down sobbing, I do not want to be someone else. I want to be with my Moon, by his side as one. This was the first time since she came back that she and I have spoken as equals. She listened to the ideas I had. How perhaps we can heal the pieces I have. She believes no matter what I do Faysal will love me. Even if the Abyss leaves me forever, that the bond we share is more than what we have in common.

Book when did my heart get so big?

It is not love, only My moon makes my soul feel at ease, makes me feel whole. But these two males, I want to help them, I want to help them be strong. It must be instinct, something inside of me wanting to care for others.

Kaza I can see the wound in him, the pain he is running from. I have seen that look before, I remember it. Book that one boy had that look, as I held him in my arms, my clan blade to his neck. The death my clan brought to his home, his family. I wonder if he still trembles as Kaz does remembering what this ‘Bear’ clan had done to his family. He can not run from this forever, I intend to be there to walk him through the pain. Angel also somehow has pulled at my need to protect. He has been so hurt, another clan like my blood treating males as nothing more then seeds to be planted. I never had given it thought, growing up I was not able to take the time to think about anything else but survival. What happens to those males, the ones who do not give up and accept their role as seeds, cooks, and kit mourners.

They both had been hurt, broken in different ways. They both have a look I know.. I had seen it before in the eyes of my mother’s prey.

I want to feel it Book, I want to feel guilt. I want to be sorry for the pain I caused. I look with in me and I feel nothing. Was it something Isic broke, poking around in my mind and taking away memories? Did my mother take this part away from me? Perhaps it is something I never had because she never had, I can not inherit from her what is not there. It would be like being born with spots, while my blood line has none.

I have been going to the Wolf Den between my ventures out scouting. Book, today has left a sad touch on my heart.

I had my maps out up the steps on the big table, writing notes on what I had seen and where I will look next. Below me I heard someone enter the den, Angel beaten and bruised was taking advantage of the liquor of the den. I hate seeing those I love in pain, I hate seeing loneliness eat away at their soul, I hate seeing the drink I call poison be what they turn to.

He is so lonely, so very lonely. Book I want to hold him tight and make it all go away. It was about the time he said he would cut out his soul and took the knife from his boot did I interfere Book. My heart is just so big, Book, I want to love everyone, no one should be alone.

Silas, someone from Gilded Compass was visiting the next morning. They read listen to the stars and tell fortunes, I found him interesting. Angel had his fortune read, and then he scampered off as soon as I arrived. I am not sure what to think, Ana says that Angel does not want the Blue Wolf to consume my soul. I will let it pass for now, I have much to do.     

I received a letter from Kaz, Book I am thankful for this small piece of parchment. He said he is alive and is taking some time to heal from injury. He does not like the snow, it is dumb and hard to dance in. I feel the weight lifted from my heart, knowing he is alive and thought about me enough to write this letter.

Hay Book, I know I have not written in you for almost a moon.

Since the healing, things have been different, an I am not sure how it will resolve. Using my aether for anything is, like getting hit in the head with a tree trunk. I will have to find out why at some point as well as stop using it. Perhaps that is the problem with never being officially trained, it is was instinct.

I look in the mirror and I do not know who I am. I painted my strip back on for a few days, and I felt.. wrong. I know how I feel, I know how things make me feel. I know what I must do, so I no longer should think about me. Angel begged me, and I gave in. I will allow him to be the voice when I seek out his clan. He did not run away from them on good terms, and I have no illusion they will be fighting at our side under anyone’s leadership. I need them to fight though, I need them to act. I am not a Seer, nor can I see the weave of fate in the stars. I do know what I saw, and what I felt as Raven tried to call me home. We have to fight, and push them back, I have to get the totems to act. No longer can the power we bind our souls to sit on the side lines and watch, they have to act, or accept eternal slumber.

Lerran has started teaching me conjurey , and I feel myself wanting the time with the flower smoke and the feel of the woods. I feel weak compared to who I was, the abyss does not come when I call, but I know it is there. Asleep or perhaps my grip on it is weaker now that I am healed.

Sometimes I close my eyes and I just see myself desperately holding on to those I love. That my will is the only thing keeping this all together. I would have chided myself for having ego, for knowing I am not that important. Lately Book, I have felt the weight on me, knowing that without my tactical mind, my history with the blood clans… Ana was ready to die. Am I strong enough?

I know I have not been putting my thoughts into your pages, honest.. I do not know who.. I want to be. First time in my life I am free, I am going on instinct now.. finding out what feels right. I still have a lot of anger deep in my soul to work on. The meditations with the shroud have helped, helped me feel the flow of the world around me.

The next sennight, I plan on going to the Vale’s edge. Book I plan to be as close to death as I have ever come. I know it has risks, there are other ways. I could seek out priests of all the Totems, and hope each truly has that link. Book, I do not know if we have time. I also have to make sure that in doing this, I do not accidentally bring the clans false hope. To much faith, to much magic, to much aether.. no, I will go to the Vale, and see for myself.