My anxiety has been spiking significantly at night lately and it really, really sucks.

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My anxiety has been spiking significantly at night lately and it really, really sucks.

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Emily just got home with her friend after being out super late and I told her that her friend had to leave since it's a school night for Cristina and per my stepdad saying so, and she got all upset and went off on me about how I'm always rude to her and shit and she just went on and on and I just stood there and calmly let her know how I currently feel about her. She fails to understand that her actions affect other people, even if she didn't directly intend to. That I love her because she's my sister, and I'd give her an organ if she needed one, but wouldn't bail her out of jail. Because quite frankly, having her in my life currently (besides absolutely necessary, critical moments) isn't healthy or good for me at all, and I'm not putting up with it. And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I don't care.
I went to Bethel Music worship nights tonight which was an AMAZING experience. I've never seen people so DEEP into worship, and it's honestly probably my most intense, beautiful worship session I've ever had. The spirit of God was so strong, and I forgot about everything else in my life. I was only focused on Him. And then I came home to found out my sisters snuck out and are MIA and refuse to answer their phones, so we're all freaking out. I'm so tired of something bad always happening immediately after something really, really good.
I love watching shows like SVU and Criminal Minds, and normally I can watch them normally, no matter the subject
But I was just watching an episode of CM and it somehow triggered a panic attack?? Like wtf this episode doesn't even compare to my trauma, yet here I am crying and having trouble breathing and feeling anxious as all hell????
WTF WHYYYY
Made the big girl decision to go part-time next semester for the sake of my mental health and I told my mom and she supports me 100% yet here I am unable to stop crying because I feel like such a failure and disappointment even though she flat out said I’m not.

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I just stumbled across pictures of me at the height of my ED/lowest weight and now all I want to do is a binge/purge as a "last hurrah" (even though I haven't binged in years and RARELY have the urge to anymore) and then restrict until I'm back down to that weight. Like holy hell, I'm so disgusted with my body right now. Ughhhhh I WAS HAVING SUCH A NICE PAST FEW DAYS, TOO. WTF
I work at fucking Disney World yet can't even get out of bed 90% of the time on my days off to take advantage of that bc I'm too depressed I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit
I :) hate :) myself :) so :) fucking :) much :):):):))))