#should probably

For now, I guess track the tag #ButterOmens and be ready!

BUT ALSO, Anyone is welcome to start!

It’s no secret that I’m stressed. I’m taking classes and an internship as the Creative Director at a company who is currently overseeing a huge branding project. It’s a big thing for me. It’s giving me a lot of great experience. It’s going to be great on my resume and in my portfolio when I finally move on to a career in my new field. That’s what I keep telling myself as I strive to keep my 4.0 GPA. It’s what I keep telling myself every time I get out of bed to face the day. It’s what I keep telling myself in an attempt to actually fall asleep. It’ll change. I’ll be less busy when the summer comes. I just need to last another month.

But I feel like I’ve reached my limit and then pushed it too far.

So what happens? I get jealous. I get jealous because I feel like people have time for fun, relaxing things and I don’t. I get jealous because I think that because the chances are high that I can’t just drop what I’m doing and go spend time with someone in-game or for hours at a time over Discord--something that happens once in a while, but not super often. And because of this, I get angry and scared. I snap and I hurt the people that I love most. I make passive-aggressive comments and I become so done with the world that I throw a fucking pity party for myself and then I hate myself for it. It’s something that I try consciously to avoid, and it kills me that I’m doing it and I want to stop and I try to stop.

I wish--no, I hope--that my friends can see that me having to schedule time with them is not because they are less important than my schedule, but because I don’t want people to book me for work meetings during time that I want to devote to hanging out/writing with them. I hope that they can see that I’m still trying to make an effort to connect and play and that they can remember that fifteen people asking me questions at work and lists of things that need to be done often makes me forget to start conversations with other people that, frankly, I care about more than work or school. My brain is on overload, and it triggers the worst possible reactions in me, and therein lies the root of the problem:

Because I don’t have the time to randomly reach out to people, my stupid, stupid, stupid brain tells me that people are moving on without me. Not that they’re waiting for me to come back, but that I failed so utterly to give them the time that they deserve that they are carrying on with their lives, with their stories and characters, with the intent of leaving me behind because I’ve given the impression that I don’t care enough to put in the effort. And let the record show that I never mean to imply that anyone is a fickle friend. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I feel bad that maybe I did. And I know that what my brain tells me is probably not the truth, but I feel like I need to make it known that to my heart right now, that feels like the truth. I want my friends to have fun. I want my friends to be happy, because I truly, truly love my friends. I want them to be able to do what they want without feeling stuck. I don’t ever want to be the reason that someone is or feels tied down. But I also don’t want to finally come back and find out that people did move on without telling me. It’s kind of a rude shock and a bit of a slap to the face to finally have the noose loosened enough to breathe, only to find out that something has long since moved on and no one said anything to me about it. It really wreaks havoc on my fear of loss and abandonment... not to mention trust issues.

 rip spira

might as well drink myself to death