#shocklocks

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                HE REMEMBERS BEING SIX  ,  SITTING BESIDE HIS PARENTS  ;    movie night  ,  something romantic  /  something  mushy  ,  too much for a child to draw any enjoyment from and it was there  ,  surrounded by affection on all sides that he heard genuine  sappiness  for the first time in his life.  he doesn’t recall the exact wording  ,  something about  oxygen  and  needing someone to breathe  but he does recall thinking it was the  dumbest thing he’s ever heard.  he also recalls thinking it must be something  rare  and it there’s something constantly jarring  ,  constantly  uncomfortable  by how many times he’s found that  isn’t true.  

                   ‘ you are every star in my sky ’ ‘ there is nowhere for me but beside you ’ ‘ i’d bite off my own tongue if you asked i never speak again ’  ——  stupid shit  ,  inserting itself into various forms of media and literature  ,  shoving themselves down his throat to evoke feelings of apathy at best and irritation at worst.  useless  ,  pointless little declarations  ;  he’d rather have the  plot  than some romantic  side story  that is  ,  undoubtedly  ,  just  overdramatic lies.  ‘  don’t be so cynical ’  his father told him once  ,  listening to one of many nighttime tirades  ;  he hadn’t thought he  was  being such  ,  couldn’t comprehend why he seemed to be the  only person  able to comprehend all the  issues  with such grandiose statements  /  the issue with letting someone else be that sort of  personal weakness.  and really  ,  that’s the problem  ,  if you assume those statements  mean  anything.  putting yourself  ,  your heart  ,  your  life  in the chest of someone else  ,  making yourself fragile and handing everyone else a  hammer  ,  just hoping they won’t hit you.  stupid  ,  nonsensical  ,  he doesn’t  get it. 

or at least  ,  he  didn’t  get it. 

                   ‘ i would have chewed my own heart out if it meant feeding you ’   and what the fuck is he supposed to do with that ?  think of that ?  he doesn’t know if it was a joke or not    (  except he sort of  does  know  ,  really  ,  the sound of rain smacking against the closed balcony doors  ,  the dim light of a lamp across the room  ,  the arm wrapped around him and the blanket draped over them both  ;  he knows  ,  and that makes his stomach twist in ways he can’t label as either pleasant or its opposite  )    and he’s trying not to think about it too hard but he hates that he feels like he understands.  not just the unnecessary romantic subplots  ,  not just the dramatic goodbyes in old movies  ,  but understands  denki  ,  understands the  sentiment.  

and he has no fucking idea what to say now.

                   so he says nothing  ,  moves instead  ——  shifts just to dig his face into the space between throat and shoulder belonging to the other body in this bed  ,  the arm he has slung over denki tugging him closer  ,  fingers fisting themselves in the material of his shirt.  what a thing to say to a boy who cannot speak  ,  a boy who spits words lined with razor blades but chokes on anything softer than that  ;  what a thing to say  ,  to the boy you know can’t say it back  ,  even if he feels it in his chest  ,  smashing itself against the interior of his rib cage ‘til there’s nothing left but the fragments of a feeling wishing to be whole  &  free.  ‘ i would have chewed my own heart out if it meant feeding you ’   he would split oceans  ,  he thinks.  swallow poison  ,  tear himself open with a rusted blade.  you’re making me fragile  he thinks  ,  and oh  ,  god  ,  that’s fucking  terrifying.  god that’s fucking  exciting  and to think every stupid  ,  mushy piece of shit he’s consumed until this point would suddenly merge together in the form of  kaminari denki.  tell that to him a year ago and he would’ve laughed in your face. 

                   ❛   dramatic ass.  ❜      a murmur  ,  lips pressed to boyfriend’s skin in attempt at making words even harder to hear.  he doesn’t want to be loud  ,  for once.  doesn’t want to be heard.      ❛  you pick that up from some shitty soap opera ?  ❜      probably  ,  actually.  now that he’s thinking about it.  but knowing that doesn’t make his stomach stop the backflips it’s doing because  fuck all  if that isn’t how denki actually feels  ,  sentimental  ,  soft  idiot of a boy that holds all the love bakugou never learned to give.  his face is pressed further in  ,  pressed closer  ,  as he allows his eyes to close  /  as he ignores all the  weird shit  his chest is doing and swallows down what he really wants to say  :

THAT'S RIGHT! WHAT'S THE FIRST THING ON THE BEST FRIEND ITINERARY TODAY, BEST FRIEND

Ball hurt