#shitty ninjas

zetsu keeps murdering shrinks because he wants the uchiha as unstable as possible

all because of a naruto fic

phuck the kaguya arc. we don’t need space aliens. we don’t need shadow monsters manipulating people throughout history. humans can be assholes just fine on their own.

hashi doesn’t take any of madara’s shit when izuna is dying. madara gets a water dragon and tree branch time out while hashi fixes zuzu. ooo! that or hashi brings out the night-night flowers and puts EVERYONE into time out until he’s done with healing. either way everyone is grumpy about it except for hashbrowns, who is delighted.

mito for first hokage. she’s brilliant and terrifying. she’s got hashi wrapped around her little finger. she’s put the fear of kami into madara. zuzu votes for her to spite both his brother and hashi. tobirama is just happy he won’t be stuck doing ALL the paperwork.

since hashi is there to run interference for madara (and vice versa), and tobi and zuzu are gonna die bitter old men arguing with each other, there isn’t some kind of singular idea/philosophy bullshit working for how shit is set up. so: the whole law enforcement/social interaction management stuff gets a nice mix of clans and skills (instead of putting all the burden on one and acting surprised when that don’t work out). 

akimichi, yamanaka, and inuzuka would be great for social workers.

uchiha, hyuuga, yamanaka, inuzuka, and aburame would all be good for investigation.

nara, yamanaka, and aburame would work for putting evidence together

in education: yamanaka for child development and psychology, nara and uchiha for history/theory/technique, akimichi for nutrition. physical education maybe akimichi, hyuuga, uchiha(?), inuzuka (imagine kids chasing puppies all day), maybe aburame?

i’d imagine between mito and tobi you’d be able to figure out an alternative to the caged bird seal that does the protect without the whole deathswitch thing and get it on both dojutsu clans. if nothing else the idea that the uchiha would best them in protecting their eyes would piss of the hyuuga leaders enough to be prone to political mistakes like forgetting about the fine print (that may or may not have been hidden by a clever seal until later).

in that case i’d figure good medical clans would be hyuuga and aburame for their personal experience with internal organ modification, but all would prolly have something to bring to the table

no clue about sarutobi, shimura, hatake, etc. yet. so much of canon focuses on kekkei genkai and hiden reliant clans that even the powerful ninja clans that aren’t that get sidelined

i din’t care who gets the hat next but PHUCK hiruzen ever getting his mits on it, OR danzo. kagami is a popular choice but at this point i’d take almost anyone NOT on the shitlist

as for the biju: you cannot tell me mr. flowerpower himself wouldn’t make friends with at least SOME of the biju. outside of meeting in combat i’d bet he’d be like MONSTER ZOO =D and go frolic in the wildflowers with them or something. i mean dodging an irritated biju’s....everything can’t be too much different from what a pissed off tobi or madara would throw at him.

i, personally, would find it hilarious to see sane!madara get in a shouting match with kurama over something trivial. or to find tobi hanging out with isobu as far away from the chaos as possible, just enjoying the quiet and maybe talking water jutsu.

stuff like : 

Forest After Rain in Late Spring

Building Storm Outside the Armory

my little k6bd-fan heart is SO INCREDIBLY IN LOVE WITH THIS IDEA you have no idea

you know, the things the uzumaki are known for, the same uzumaki kushina is the last of, the culture she grew up in

its not tooth-rotting fluff, but like a bruised muscle slowly starting to heal

bitty hinata fighting back to the best of her terrified 3 year old abilities when that capture incident happened

bitty kushina being an unholy terror that minato had to rescue her captors from (which was covered up with the “canon” story)

sasuke with a sense of humor

naruto’s frankly astounding feats during the chuunin exam kerfuffle being acknowledged

naruto’s frankly astounding feats of escape as a goddamn academy student being acknowledged

naruto-sensei

ninja culture being very different from civilian culture

an academy setup, rank system, and/or division system that makes more sense than canon

nerdy fuuinjutsu stuff

nerdy jutsu stuff

nerdy chakra stuff

nerdy history stuff

nerdy worldbuilding stuff

ridiculous but plausible headcanons

gives him strength, constitution, charisma, claws, “black triangular marks” *cough*wiskersmarks*cough*, (possibly fangs), and a full on jincuuriki mode for rage. also gives him an uzumaki appropriate lifespan, jinchuuriki/uzumaki regeneration, and resistance to what anybody throws at him.