#shitspelling

Its four in the morning and i cant sleep. I lie in my bed. Thinking of sleep but only thinking because I know it’s too early for me to fall asleep. I might not even sleep at all tonight. I think but not when it matters. No quite the opposite. It seems when I want to turn my brain off it suddenly jumps into action with all the “what ifs” and playing out scenarios that might happen in the future. At first I welcome the thoughts thinking and hoping that they will send me into a peaceful nights sleep but as the hours  tick by the happy thoughts of my future fade and are replaced with much more sinister thoughts. Paranoid thoughts that there’s killers in my room lurking in the dark waiting there to kill me or satan is hiding in the corner ready to posses me. I think I hear voices or steps outside my door. I think I feel cool breath on my face. I become adamant that there is someone staring at me in the dark. I turn even more childish resorting to monsters in my cupboard or under my bed. My mind and imagination goes out of control “what if I fall asleep and never wake up again” “what if the whole world ends right now” and then I start to think of all the things that are pushed right to the back of my mind. Scary films. Possession. Ghosts. My mind is going at a thousand miles a minuet imaging all these things. The good gets mixed with the bad until there is no good left. Among all this I worry about not getting sleep. My head gets sore and my tummy rumbles but as much as I want to I don’t dare get up and put that light on. The thought of hands grabbing my ankles as soon as I put them on the floor. Being so exposed on all sides in the pitch black for that sort second that seems like ages on my way to the light switch. I twist and turn in my bed too. It’s all lumpy feeling even thought it’s not that old. The sheet always comes off to reveal the scratchy mattress and the pillow is never the right temperature so I’m always swapping the side it’s on. It’s okay for a second but then I have to change it again. My bed makes the loudest metal squeaking noise every time you breath. I’m so tired and I want to sleep. I want to sleep so bad but I just can fall asleep. I can’t close my eyes in the dark anymore without those terrible thoughts coming into my head. So I just lie there with cold sweat running down my back. I do manage to get to sleep eventually.  But it’s never that early. Mum thinks I’m lazy sleeping till two in the afternoon but really it’s because I only fell asleep at a stupid time in the morning. It’s now eight past five. I still can’t sleep but I feel a bit better. It won’t last. As soon as I put my phone away and shut my eyes the thoughts will come back. I would love to be proven wrong but they will pop back up in my head just like they do most nights..something’s telling me I’m not going to get much sleep.