#shitpostin time

i hate that we still call these “phones” -- i’ve used the phone function of my iPhone a grand total of three times in the last 4 months. it’s a goddamn pocket computer, not a phone. it’s closer to a Newton than a Razr. whatever, anyway.

for me, the original iPhone SE was the perfect phone. it’s the pinnacle of mass-produced pocket computer design, because i think they should fulfill these principles:

you can hold it with one hand and use it effectively

it’s solid, dense, and substantial to hold, feels like it won’t break or scratch, because it’s in your life a lot

it doesn’t require a case because it should be in your pocket most of the time, which is a safe space, i hope

it can take pictures but they don’t have to be amazing, because that is not its primary or even secondary function

the software should be fast and useful, but not as powerful as a computer, because that’s what computers are for

it should fit in your damn pocket because that’s where it lives

as the iPhone line began to increase in size, and Steve Jobs died, and the marketing people took over, these principles were pushed aside. i argue that the iPhone line ceased at the 6 and became iPad mini-minis, because:

you can’t hold em in one hand and use them effectively, good luck

they became over-plastic-y and glass-y and scratch easily, so you need to put em in a case

you must put a case on it or it won’t sit flat on any surface, and you need to put it in a bag or something so it’s more prone to hitting things and being dropped

the pictures you can take are so amazing that it literally killed the entire digital camera industry and helped proliferate an expanding cultural black hole of narcissistic social media

the phones are more powerful than your laptop. who seriously needs to edit 8k video on their phone? who needs to play Skyrim on their phone?

it doesn’t fit in your damn pocket

these are no longer pocket computers. they’re social media camera tablets. they’ve been tablets for years now. did i mention i hate my iPhone XS.

what really grinds my gears is that the iPhone pages on Apple’s website always shows the phone without a case, and yet in real life, have you ever seen one not in a case? do you even remember what the back of your iPhone looks like? bullshit. disgusting.

and to all of the people who have told me to just get an Android phone, i remind them: there are no modern Android phones that fulfill the above principles for a good pocket computer. please send me one that does. we’re now stuck in a ouroboros of bullshit design, where Samsung and Apple copy each others’ bad decisions, forever.

and yes i’m angry and this is the least important thing in the world to be angry about. don’t even get me started on the notch or the headphone jack. sometimes it feels nice to remember what it’s like to be angry about completely unimportant things.

Black hat: SWEET JESUS IS THAT A FUCKING GREMLIN?!

Flug: it's a bear jefé.

Cuphead: ohh! That was so cool!

King dice: no, no it wasn't