#shitlikethis

#Repost @damegrease129 ・・・ When @kingbigga order 5k worth of Nautica to ur crib! Lol #EastSide #ShitLikeThis #nautica

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I stopped impressing others and I began expressing myself… and that’s when I realised I finally reached the happiest point of my life.

Today is April 16, 2013. It's approximately been a year or so since I've dwelled on this 'phase' that I'm having. I am lost and confused and I'm struggling to pick myself up each day having to put up with thoughts in my head and the anxiety that I feel. Each time I take a step outside society, I feel misplaced and weighted by what I think of myself and what I think others think about me. It just fucking hurts okay. I wish I could do something about it or tell other people in person and just burst out in front of them. I wish I could simply just expel all my feelings of self-hatred and jealousy and disappointment towards what I do. I panic each day having to live up to peoples' expectations and expectations of my own trying to be someone that my family drew for me. I just wish I could function and be confident and feel great inside and out and just be content with myself... but I can't. I keep wanting to do something and make a difference but I keep shooting myself down because I'm afraid. Part of that is my own idea that I'm useless and that I'm not capable and that I'm not good enough or even good-looking enough for it. I'm just the dark blurb in every picture taken of me and I feel like I'm gonna stay that way for a long time. It's just really difficult to breathe at night and to trust that everything'll be different the next morning because most of the time, it's not. I keep hoping that I'll feel different tomorrow hoping that I'll be kinder on myself and manage to pull through the idea with feeling content and happy. Each time that happens, it cycles through the beginning and again and becomes a violent cycle of thoughts against myself and my idea of self-worth. It pushes and trips me to fall to ground and I feel that there'll be a day where I can no longer pick myself up. All the energy that's left of me in that day is contributed to driving myself in different directions of my mind trying to convince myself that it'll be okay. I just keep getting lost. I am lost.