#shelfgoth

In light of Health Goth going mainstream, i've decided to come up with next big thing! Jump on any of these bandwagons as soon as possible so you can say you were one of the first to be on the ground floor of these exciting new trends! Feel free to run with any of these and take credit for them when you are being interviewed by VICE and The Huffington Post. It's well known that I am a tastemaker, so naturally I am full of ideas for the next big thing! And lucky you, I am just giving these amazing new ideas away! What follows is a how to guide for each trend. Commit to one of these trends and be prepared to have your life changed. Lets start!

1. Wealth Goth - Start investing in the stock market. Get an American Express Black Card. Wear at least 2 gold chains. Always pick up the bar tab for all friends (and believe me, you will have many now that you are Wealth Goth) at your favorite goth club. Get bottle service, wear fine clothes. Take photos of yourself with all your wads of money post it to social media. Make sure to cross out the word "god" on all your currency.

2. Shelf Goth - Become a carpenter and start building shelves. Work exclusively with dark woods like a nice Bog Oak or Gaboon Ebony. Make sure to leave space for all your Bauhaus and Cure LPs on your new shelf, as well as some space for candles, skulls and incense holders. Wear a black leather tool belt wherever you go. Use your tool belt to keep your essential daily items: clove cigarettes, your zippo lighter, your iPhone (dark wood phone case highly recommended), and your super awesome modified steampunk electronic cigarette.

3. Elf Goth - Grow out your hair. Straighten it and bleach as light as you can get it. If you are super committed to being Elf Goth (and why wouldn't you be?), get your ears modified to be pointy and then stretch those suckers out with a gauge. Sew all your own clothes. Wear a black tunic and tights with pointy leather shoes. Learn archery as soon as possible. Bake dark chocolate chip cookies. Read J.R.R. Tolkien while listening to Death in Juneand Dead Can Dance. Change your name (on Facebook, not IRL of course), to something like Gaeleath or Flinar.

4. Philidelph' Goth - Put on your best goth outfit and get on the next train or bus to Philly. Dye your Eagles Jersey pitch black. Show everyone that it ISNT always sunny. Also, get to your nearest thrift store and get your favorite Tom Hanks movie about AIDS on VHS and watch it religiously.

5. Stealth Goth - Wear black and white camouflage. Study the art of Ninjutsu. Be elusive and swift. Wear combat boots and a headband. Live off the grid and keep your life as private as possible, especially online. Be VERY careful to only use essential websites like Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Vine, Soundcloud, Last.fm, 4chan, and Reddit. Make sure every photo of yourself has your eyes blocked out with a 3 pixel wide black bar.

6. Ralph Goth - Exclusively wear black Ralph Lauren clothes. Get the polo logo tattooed on your forearm with a vague word like "unhappy" or "discontent" underneath. Buy a black horse. Play polo. Carry around your polo mallet around and adorn it with rhinestones and studs. Alternatively, or additionally, write in Ralph Nader in any election, even if it is a local election. Be sure to become very vocal about tort reform.

7. Self Goth - Take a long hard look in the mirror. Who is that person staring back at you? Get to know that person inside and out. Then hold up your iphone and take a photo and post it to social media. Also wear black and maybe some fingerless gloves or some shit.

8. Twelfth Goth - 666 is the number of the beast, as we all know. What is worse than 666? 121212, which is double evil and therfore double goth. Wear custom made black Tom Brady, Dwight Howard, or Joe Namathjerseys. Never settle for a baker's dozen. A dodecagon tattoo on your forearm and/or medallion around your neck is a MUST.

9. ALF Goth - Move in with a middle class suburban family. Convince them you are from outer space. Shave the sides of your head and quaff it to the side with a circular comb. Grow out your facial hair. Smoke crack with your new adopted Dad. Try and eat the family cat whenever possible. Live mostly in the kitchen. Eat as much as possible. Wear a furry black mink coat.