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seen from United States
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I think I’m gonna cut everyone off. Everyone. Maybe even cancel my phone plan. I need to find myself. I need to be happy alone. If you absolutely need me, you’ll find a way to find me. I’m done with waiting and hoping and trying. Done.
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I'm a severely unstable person.
Tonight you don’t bother me. In the morning I’ll cry because you’re gone. By lunch time I’ll be laughing about how stupid this is. Around the hottest time of the day I’ll be reminiscing. When the stars come out I’ll forget your name. And when I’m about to fall asleep I’ll say it’s for the best. And this will continue until every single part of you has been drained out of my mind. Every joke, every fight, every night, every single detail gone.
It’s time for me to restart myself. I’ve become self destructive and I can’t let it go any further. For once, I’m going to be super selfish. I’m cutting out all the negative people. All the ones who let me down. Who drag me down. I need to be happy. For myself. By myself. I don’t need anyone to do it for me. Delete me, block me, do whatever you have to. I’m doing the same. I don’t know what I deserve, but I know I don’t deserve feeling like shit all the time. I shouldn’t have to be walking on egg shells with anyone every single day. I shouldn’t have to tip toe around anything. And I’m not going to anymore. Yes, I’m a really unstable person. Yes. I’m working towards a better version of me. I don’t need your help.
And I most certainly don't need you.
Lost one of my best friends today. I’m not gonna argue so I’m just gonna agree that it’s my fault. And that it always has been. I’ve always tried to help you and I’ve always loved you. But I’m only human. I’m not immature, I’m growing. But I don’t expect you or anyone to understand. I’m more than okay with losing you, because I need to learn to live without you. You kept me happy, and I know that's wrong. I need to be happy on my own. Without you or anyone. So, have a good life. Be well. I will do the same.
I'm not even drunk.
Not one bit. I just can't seem to figure out or understand what the fuck is happening. I can't understand why all of my friendships are falling apart. I know it's my fault but for the life of me I can't see what the hell I'm doing wrong. I can't lose anyone else. I can't lose the same people again. I won't make it without them. I'm so fucking confused and frustrated and irritated. I don't know what to do anymore. Don't know how to fix what I've broken. Don't know what I broke cuz I've the stupidest person I've ever met. Don't know how to make you smile. Don't know how to make anyone see how they make me feel. I fucking give up.
Last night I had a dream; it was more like a flashback. Back when I had my silver dodge intrepid. I was with one of my best friends, just like old times. We told jokes and talked shit, and play fought. It just makes me really sad. Cuz it'll never be like that again. Ever. We all grew up. We're all different. We're all more broken than we were before. And I hate it. I miss those times, and there slowly fading out. Now we force smiles. We find more things in common because we've all been through hell. Because we all have broken hearts. I miss how we used to be. I'm scared we won't find a similar feeling either. And I don't want to fall asleep tonight because I don't want to see anymore of what will never be again. I don't want to lose you, but I'm afraid you're already lost.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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On second thought, I just want someone. Someone to love me as much as I love them. Not even relationship wise. A friend to give a shit about me as much as I do about them. Someone who worries. Who cares. Who let's me know of these things. I feel so alone. Because I am. Everyone has someone else. I'm like #10 to my #1. She doesn't care. I just want to mean something. I want to be important.
I really want him to kiss me. I want someone that I haven't known for years kiss me. Push me again my car or a wall or something and kiss me when I'm trying to explain why I have to go home. Just fucking kiss me. I'm yours. What's left of my heart is yours if you want it. Just do it.
Things I've taught myself while drunk:
Don’t text anyone you’ve ever had real feelings for. Whether it’s been a guy, or a best friend. Never. Only exception is to tell them you’re safe. Never text your boss. No matter how funny you think you are, you’ll just seem like an idiot. Never call your mom. There is no exception to this rule. Never cry. It makes you feel and look bad. Just don’t. ALWAYS keep a bottle of water around. NEVER think that last shot won’t hurt you. It will. Never make any major decisions after a few. Just like being on your period. Your thoughts and feelings are temporary. Don’t act on them unless you feel the same tomorrow. Love isn’t real when you’re drunk. You’re drunk, that’s the only real thing that’s happening. If you’re single, go to bed alone. Trust me. If you start to spin, don’t close your eyes. If you think you’re gonna throw up, start to type anything, whether to a friend who will understand, or here, or in your notes. Don’t make any promises. What so ever. The answer is always no. Make sure to eat something. It isn’t love. Or at least the love you think it is right now. Don’t stare. Don’t beg. Don’t be annoying. Pay attention to your surroundings. Make sure to have plenty of time to sleep. And if you really, truly, even when your sober, love someone, don’t forget to tell them that you’re happy they exist.
NEVER, ABSOLUTELY NEVER POST ANYTHING ON FACEBOOK.
