Change
Relationships, Mysteries for all.
It is always such a tricky and challenging experience being in a relationship, let alone being in a long distance relationship. Relationships in their nascent form are designed to be challenging but rewarding at the same time.
How then do we lead a happy relationship? Challenges in each individual relationship vary depending on the people involved. It may range from physical needs differences to mental stability and anywhere in between. By physical needs, it just need not go down the wire to the sexual needs of each individual person involved but just as simple as when and how much physical contact is needed which can be holding hands, cuddling, hugs to just touching the face.
The causes for these differences are underwhelming to say the least but have a lasting impact because they go to the root of being and how we perceive the world. I also feel it boils down to the upbringing and the values that are instilled by the people who gives us birth and the society we are surrounded with. A relationship between two european teens is very different to a relationship between mature 40 year olds in the middle east. The differences in an european teen’s relationship may just amount to what is perceived to be ‘cool’ or where they want to live/ build a career. The differences in a relationship between mature 40 years old in the middle east can be caused due to the sense of freedom or what is perceived as ‘culturally relevant’. Yes I have used stereotypes in the above examples but if you look closely enough in any relationship, we tend to see patterns in all relationships.
To define these patterns, I believe three fundamental differences in people cause the differences.
1. What they thought they want vs What they actually want
2. What they thought they got vs What they actually got
3. How they perceive themselves vs How they actually are
Now when we look closely, the three paradoxical questions above are caused due to a lack of 3 basic human knowledge pools.
a. Self awareness
b. Awareness of the partner
c. Change.
I am attempting to shed some light on this issue of handling change in a relationship as I believe this is the most critical aspect of any relationship. We all know and have heard the phrase “Change is permanent”. It is hence naive for us not to take this into consideration when we choose a partner. There is change in all of us and I feel it is high time we acknowledge this as we all are people with flaws and change is nature.
I understand that self awareness and awareness of the partner mentioned above are not something we each can control as each individual person has their own way of reaching to an understanding on the above. This is influenced by the exposure you have to both yourself and your partner. However, change, both in you and your partner is something that we all can make an educated guess on and predict. We all go through the phase of ‘ This is how I want to be’ or ‘ Oh I wish I was like this person’ or ‘ Oh I wish I had a relationship that was this way’. By this we essentially are opening ourselves to change and acknowledging that we will change. The change in us is defined by people who are around, our partner, or even friends.
By communicating this change and making an educated guess about our partner, we are not preparing ourselves for them, but also preparing them for us. We deep down, do know, that somewhere, people around us are going to influence on how we are going to be. By identifying this, we are preparing ourselves for the future to come.
So in five years, when we set goals on personal growth or professional growth, we can now identify on how our path is going to be and we can then work together with our partner in achieving these. By this, we embrace a ‘partnered change’. This I feel is the crux and is not acknowledged often which leads to the issues mentioned above (1, 2 & 3).
Being open to this, not only liberates us but improves our mental stability in the relationship, but also improves on our self awareness and awareness of our partner leading to a more collaborative relationship.
My attempt from above is to tell myself, “ It is ok for her to be different from me, it is ok for her to have a perception of a certain item as it being ‘cool’ and for me it being ‘preposterously uncool’. As long as I can tell her that I may change my opinion later or maybe she may see my opinion we will work through it. We will learn through our follies and perception to create a shared perception of the world to pass it on to the future generations for it then to be refined.”
