#shards.

> Rev / Wilbur

> He / It / Rot / Thing / Boom / Red

> Ageless .

rules: bold what consistently applies, italicize situational

does your muse, while fighting …

viii.  the hunt.   sharp canines.  sore calves after a run.  the scent of blood.  an adventure for the journey’s sake.  the adrenaline right before the kill.   a whistle’s echo.  the woods.  the doe eyes of a prey animal.  your own breath in the air.  sharpened claws.  being tracked.  fear of someone knowing your every movement.  hunting down monsters.  hide and seek.  running away only to end up where you started.  staying alive purely because the enemy enjoys seeing you run.  a set of footsteps behind you.  blood dripping from bare hands.  barks and growls.  focused eyes.  a victim going limp under your hands.  a mouth full of fresh blood. catching the scent of something monstrous.  perfecting your craft. peering into the dark and running after it.

ix.  the lonely.   an apartment too small for a double bed.  completely vacant streets.  waking up to see everyone gone.  fog.  point nemo.  a house too big to hear your family members in.  alone in a faceless crowd.  a mask with nothing behind it.  separated cubicles.  a deafening silence where joy should be.  a blinding spotlight.  the least missed in your friend group.  streets without lights in the windows.  isolation.  not truly knowing your friends.  your friends not truly knowing you.  need for silence.  fear of crowds.  staring into space knowing nothing is looking back at you.  a ship alone at sea.  depression. knowing your friends are better off without you.  talking to someone only to realise they’re gone.  a family too large to notice you there.  safety in being alone.

x.  the slaughter.    a game of tag.   senseless violence.  a true crime hobby.  improvised weapons.  blinding rage.  intent to kill.  a horrific day in a quiet community.  a medal of bravery.  holding on to what validates your anger.  history books that spare no details.  an injury you want revenge for.  war.  counting kills.  songs of soldiers.  a knife block on the counter.  a pool of blood.  shellshock.  unspeakable horrors.  anger pushing you forward.  unimaginable pain.  not seeing who will hurt you but knowing the pain is coming.  a fully human monster.  an authority sending its lessers to their deaths.  kill or be killed.  unedited wartime memoirs.  a weapons collection.  not knowing the names of who you kill.  too many to remember.  loss of hope.  there’s no heroes in war.

xi.  the spiral.   sleep deprivation.  corridors you can get lost in.  maze puzzles that loop back on themselves.  losing possessions.  losing people.  losing your sanity.  corkscrew curls.  rows of funhouse mirrors.  optical illusions.  a separate reality.  walking through the wrong door.  delusions.  not knowing what your hands are doing.  blank spaces in documents.  hallucinations.  wrong proportions.  a nameless thing.  a place that has never existed.  doubting your own mind.  blind faith.  losing track of names, labels, categories.  distorted sound.  an imperfection in a glass that twists the view.  loss of time.  a garish colour.  doors that open to nowhere.  lies.  an unnatural laugh.  jokes and tricks.  illusions.  a doorway.  a sculptor with a wild imagination.  limbs in impossible angles. doing what’s fun, not what’s sensible.  fractals you can get lost in.

xii.  the stranger.   wax figures.  a close approximation of a human face.  a borrowed appearance.  a strange smell.  glass eyes.  furs and pelts.  a dance.  a song of a choir.  the uncanny valley.  stitching yourself together.  the colours of a circus.  a puppet with no strings.  mannequins.  glitter and sequin.  a stranger you’ve always known.  someone strange in the place of someone you knew.  stolen identities. stolen skins.  a machine imitating humanity.  the anonymity of a service worker.  hiding in plain sight.  uncomfortable to look at.  a faked accent.  concealing.  forgetting who you are.  forgetting who others are.  a replacement no one notices.  images that look posed.  the only one seeing the false face of someone.

xiii.  the vast.   open spaces.  carnival rides going up and down.  fear of heights.  endless infinity around you.  your insignificance in an universe.  stomach turning at a drop.  fear of not the crash down but the moment you slip.  the sway of a cable car.  an adventure holiday.  losing track of where the surface is.  miles and miles of nothing around you.  staring at the sky and feeling like you may fall into it.  loss of control.  a fall that doesn’t end in death.  glass floor to the view below.  terminal velocity.  the sound of wind in your ears.  a reach over the railing.  a jump from the top of the building.  falling into nothing.  feeling your feet let go of the ground.  a leap of faith.  motion sickness.

xiv.  the web.   undecipherable code.  a puppeteer holding the strings.  power over the weak-willed.  strings of fate.  manipulation.  an arranged accident.  a hundred minions doing your bidding.  cobwebs.  spiders.  a laid trap.  never voicing discomfort.  outwitting a cheater.  doing things without realising it.  red string across a corkboard. finding something lost where you were sure you checked.  power over the unreliability of chance.  watching others dance for you.  an entangled death.  a thousand tiny legs and fangs.  shady forum threads. something important gone missing.  suspiciously disregarded case.  a missing witness.  connections.  the world wide web.  power of victimhood.  gullibility.  no control over your own decisions.  an invisible leash.  mass psychology.  a horror film in the making.  scapegoat.  never remembering to ask for a name.

i. the buried. weighed blankets.   drowning.   the comfort of a loved one’s weight.   soil & sand piling on top of you.   hugging so hard it hurts a little.  cramped hiding spots.  letting out air underwater to sink to the bottom of the pool.  walls pressing in on you.  not moving from a position even though you’re cramping a little.  dragging the last second before you have to inhale.   lonely subways.   feeling like one with the earth.   a layer of dirt on you.   looking for something below.   cardboard boxes & tiny pillow forts.   hands calloused from digging.  knowing that your purpose is just below the surface.   entering your final resting place before it kills you.   a storm drowning you out.  dust & sand speaking to you.

ii. the corruption. insects.   a close imitation of the natural course of life.   an illness in a community.   a rag that dirties more than it cleans.   an untreated wound. containment. breaching containment.   unbreathable air.   fungi.   one with what you love.  one with what loves you.   a corpse unfit for a glass case.   hearing a song in the sound of tiny wings & legs.   honeycomb patterns.   an ecosystem within a person.   a curse passed on.  the hubris of a scientist.  an ugly death where a glorious one is owed.   blood on a handkerchief.  parasites.   something pushing up the sewer.   a mask to keep something out.   trypophobia.   knowing you belong.   death weeks after impact.   fever.   food that’s gone off.   pandora’s box.  death behind a glass.

iii. the dark. shadows.   lights that turn off by themselves.   the feel of cold marble.   a beaked creature in the night.  the difference between seeing darkness & seeing nothing. touch of something you can’t see.   hiding under a blanket.   white,  clouded eyes.   months without going outside during sunlight.  pouring dark.   unscrewing lightbulbs.   black matter.   light sensitivity.   a starless night.  time before light was created.   a shadow on the wall without a body to attach to.   withering plants.   a world without a sun.   footfalls in an empty house in the night.   a light that doesn’t reach as far as it should.   desperate reach for a flashlight.   clothes that hide your shape.   staying unperceivable.  winter months in the north.  an empty church.

iv. the desolation. senseless pain.   warmth of faith.   wax where skin should be.   a blazing fire.   heat without a source.   the third or fourth tragedy in the family.  losing everything you’ve ever held dear.  so much to live for, gone so soon.  the smell of gasoline.   touch that scars.   coffee cup that never goes cold.   scorch marks on wood.   inescapably warm air.   a child born in fire.   death of a loved one.   a candle without a flame.   an altar in the middle of the woods.  animals with burnt fur.   plastic explosives.   burning hot metal.   sweating in an interrogation room.   never touching a loved one.  disfigurement.  a kiss that ruins you.  the scent of burning fat.   a tattoo that terrifies its viewer.   the agony of hellfire displayed as art.   auburn hair.   little clothing in cold weather.   a ripple in the air.   trying to cool down in vain.

v. the flesh. body horror.   factories.   a hunger for something more filling.   never quite happy with how you look.   the terror of an animal waiting for slaughter.   a very good meal. the liquid of a perfect steak.   fighting your worst survival instincts.   a twisted bone.   long nights working out.   more than one heart.   appearance that shapes like clay.   a bag of bones.  bone broth in a pot.   knowing to fear pigs.   the butcher’s shop.   plastic surgery.   something alien inside your body.  a hunger in the gaze laid upon you.   unwitting cannibalism.   forgetting what you used to look like.  being admired for your appearance & appearance only. teeth marks on skin.   scars from wounds that should’ve killed you.  cooking in scarcity.   fenced in with one way to go.

vi. the end. the last page of a book.   nightmares that don’t feel like nightmares.  a skeletal hand.   the grip of the grim reaper around your throat.  existential pain.  ivory dice.   flatlining in a hospital.   gambling with death.   as old as the universe.   soul & spirit tied to an object.  a dream where you die.  closing your eyes for the last time.  the pleas of a dying one.  knowing the fate of someone you know & being unable to prevent it.  a thousand cords tugging you towards your end.   skin that’s freezing to the touch.  an act of desperation.   someone’s life for yours.   an eternity spent alive.   the cost of your selfishness.   watching your own burial.  causing your own burial.  the smell of death. numbness to fear.   words from someone gone.  meaninglessness of the actions or lives of single people in the universe.   multiple near—death experiences you refuse to die from.

Panam,

If you're reading this, things went south, and I didn't make it. If you're reading this, hopefully, it means Johnny did make it. I know, I know... it sounds insane. I know you probably think he tricked me, or manipulated me, or that I've just gone insane. But the truth is, his plan was to keep the family out of it. To go in with just him and Rogue, minimize casualties but still have a shot at saving my life. He's changed, I think.

I mean, don't get me wrong, he's still a dick. But he does care about me. I'm certain. He told me he regretted asking me to let him take control to play the Samurai gig, because it made my health go downhill. That I was more important than one last show.

And honestly? I care about him, too. Love him, even. Fucked to admit it, I guess, but that's the truth. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe it's just because it's not really clear where I end and he begins anymore. But I'd have died for you too, Panam. So don't be too hard on him, okay?

I didn't expect to make another best friend after Jackie died, especially not when Vik told me I was headed for an early grave. But I did. I'm glad I met you. I'm proud to call you my friend. And I'm proud to be part of your family.

I'm sorry to let you down like this.

Love ya, choom.