#sga-1

                                                        ~)0(~

1. Your shower, generally luke-warm, has become either a freezing jet of ice-water or a blazing liquid inferno…and the stream is powerful enough to flatten you to the screen door…

2. Doors tend to close just before you reach them, insuring you will ram them at maximum speed in your urgency; damaging your pride, if not your nose, and/or gaining a free-weekend-pass to the Infirmary as an over-cautious Dr Beckett will wish to make certain you haven't gained a concussion.

3. Your Life Sign Detector [LSD] always seems to be on the fritz, and finally gives out in the middle of a Wraith attack…right before you wander, confusedly, into a room full of the soul-sucking creatures…

4. After a particularly rude remark about Colonel Sheppard's hair, Dr Beckett's strong accent/people or threatening Dr McKay with a lemon/lemon-based anything…you find yourself inadvertently on the receiving end of each and every misfortune known to man…

5. No matter which transporter you use, or how many times you re-calibrate it…the City seems unable to understand why it is you do not wish to disembark the Transporter outside your commanding officer's quarters…

6. Sensors on any Jumper you attempt to use, without fail, will go completely haywire the second you attempt to come in for a Landing on Atlantis, ensuring you miss the pier by *that much* each time…or crash into a building. Auto-pilot will instantly guide you to the area of the city your CO is currently in and make sure you meet them promptly…wall or no walls between you…

7. Every item you have touched so far, of Ancient design, has backfired and caused some sort of disaster. Like the Fire out on the East Pier…or the inflatable Ancient Bouncy Castle you set off in the Staff Room…not to mention the time you accidentally turned the Scientists into Unicorns…or when you re-constituted an Ancient Sea-Monster…or that time you spent three hours as a peacock…or-…the list goes on…

8. You have ever been chased, screaming, about the City by one or more active Drones…

9. The coffee-maker has physically attacked you in the last few days, every computer you touch fades to the Blue Screen of Death, until McKay is ready to strangle you… Random sparks of electricity will jump out of the wall to either zap you, or just ruin your hairdo… And you may or may not have accidentally been responsible for both sending a distress beacon with Atlantis's location to the Wraith…though, in your defence, you were only trying to use 'Control, Alt Delete'…how were you to know the City had re-routed all the launch codes through your personal laptop?

Now Dr Weir would like a word…

10. In a rare stab of humour for the Ancient City, you meet your demise after she craftily re-wires a connection for the main power conduit on your deck…to your bathroom. In the best case scenario, you are forced to waddle down to the Infirmary –pants about your ankles and hands attempting to maintain your modesty- and explain with an embarrassed expression how it was that your toilet seat came to be the main conduit for a good few hundred volts…resulting in power fluctuations all across the City... Leaving you unable to sit for several weeks, due to the uniquely-shaped burns…or, as a thoroughly amused Dr Carson Beckett called it, the "Ring of Fire"…

Prepare to receive a toilet seat for your next Birthday and/or Christmas present…the people on Atlantis have a wit that matches their City's…