#sevsmith

He really could not understand how and why Paul still puts up with him. It’s been more than a year now since Ava and Nathan Bates, since meeting Paul and more or less than six months since they became a couple. Despite the fact that he’s been through countless trauma recovery sessions and counselling, taken meds and been with an amazingly supportive man all this time, he can still be a pathetic, quivering mess. Like now.

Even before Ava, Caleb wasn’t one to enjoy the outdoors and crowds and all that but he doesn’t get too jumpy and uncomfortable when he did go out like when his former co-workers invited him out to a pub or a restaurant or when he went out to unsuccessful and awkward dates but during the first months of his road to recovery, he hated going out – he abhorred it. Going out had been torture to him. He panicked when he saw beautiful brunettes with a petite built as they remind him of the horrifying and heartless android with the angel face who broke his heart and locked him up and left him to die in former boss’ house. He lost his breath and suffered palpitations whenever he’s in small spaces like elevators, staircases, alleyways. Crowded areas made him dizzy and lightheaded and his chest tight. However, he’s doing better since those days, thanks to Paul who’s helped him by accompanying him to explore the horrors of the outside world and encouraging him to go out on his own. Lately, he’s been able to go out and jog, buy grocery, visit the comic store a block away from their apartment and so he couldn’t understand why he’s freaking out that night of all nights! What could have triggered his anxiety?

“Do you wanna go home?” Paul asks.

Caleb could hear the concern in his voice…is it concern or is it disappointment? He still could not look at him to know which one is it. He’s too scared.

“N-no, no…” Caleb stammered. Paul had planned for this night for days and had been looking forward to this and the last thing he wants to do is make Paul feel like he’s at fault for dragging Caleb to eat out tonight because Caleb sincerely wants to go out, wants to have this romantic dinner but…it’s just…the supposedly soothing  classical music being played by the band sounded shrill and horrible, the unfamiliar faces of the other people dining around then blurred in grotesque lifeless masks that reminded him of the robotic yet utterly realistic ones hanged on the walls of the hallways in Nathan’s house, the sounds of metal utensils clattering against porcelain grating his brain. This is torture. This is too much. He wants to go home. He needs to leave. Maybe he should have said something before this –

A gentle, reassuring hand rests on top of his, making Caleb jolt and look up finally to meet his lover’s handsome face. “Honey…” Paul whispers, brushing the warm pad of his thumb against Caleb’s knuckles. The gesture is sweet, earnest and soothing; it made Caleb melt from the inside. Usually the pet-name annoys Caleb since Paul did come up with it when he was teasing him about Caleb’s indifference for sweets and that his blonde hair reminds Paul of honey just because honey is…yellow (although honey is more of golden in color for Caleb) although Paul does address him that way with endearment and adoration that Caleb kind of learned to like it.

“Paul.” Caleb sighed, relenting to his glasses-covered light brown doe eyes. He’s always loved his eyes; well, he could say they are his weakness. “I really, really, really wanna push through with this. I really want us to have a nice evening out. You were looking forward to this for days and you planned for it so hard and even dressed super handsomely in that dark blue dress shirt but here I am freaking out again over god knows what and I’m – oh, god…” Caleb groaned. He hated that a pathetic little whine escaped him as he rubs his palms on his face and kept them there to cover his face as if he could hide how pathetic and embarrassing he is. People are probably staring and eavesdropping on their conversation now and are surely thinking that he’s the absolute worst boyfriend to such an absolute sweetheart…which he is. “…I ruined the whole night, haven’t I?” Caleb sighed as he gingerly peeps from the spaces between his fingers.

He’s come a long way from that quivering, hyperventilating mess that Ava left…and he had hoped that he would never revert to that state ever again and yet, here he is again; panting and shaking and pathetic. It’s the same state he was in when he first met Paul. After being three days in that miserable dark and empty room the android trapped him in, he was rescued by the FBI and was made to be questioned by the NSA communication analyst who is none other than his now-boyfriend, Paul Sevier. Being like this again…after all his help, all the work Caleb has done to get better and be better…surely, he would be disappointed…

“Hey…hey…” Paul cooed, reaching for the hands that covered his lover’s face. He smiled as Caleb stared at him, tears on the corners of his lovely green eyes. “You haven’t ruined the whole night, okay?”

“You’re just saying that.”

“A little. Maybe.” Paul shrugged; meaning it as a half-truth, half-joke kind of thing. If he coddled Caleb too much, the man would be pissed at him and he’s one who appreciates honesty more than anything. And Caleb finds it easy to spot someone who is lying…perhaps, because of what happened to him in the past. Caleb pouts, his lower lip a bit swollen from him biting at it too much that night; looking at it did things to Paul which he quickly tried to shut off,  feeling guilty to be thirsting over his apparently upset boyfriend. He should have been more keen with Caleb’s discomfort rather than fretting over this date because no matter what, Caleb always comes first. “I wouldn’t use ‘ruined’ to describe it, however. No, of course not. The night had not been perfect, sure, but not to the point of it being not salvageable. Besides, no evening will ever be ruined or unenjoyable or terrible when you’re with me. Not ever.” Paul said, caressing his lover’s face.

Caleb smiles. He appreciates those saccharine sweet, cheesy words. Paul was never too good with words. He can be awkward at times too but he’s charmingly so and he knows what to say to him and when to say it. That’s why he loves him. 

“I do want to make it up to you. How about we have our food collected in a doggie bag, I pay our meal and we go home, hang out on our comfy couch and marathon the whole Marvel movies?”