#severus002

Lily had promised she would meet Sev in the courtyard after breakfast but she had been second guessing her decision all night. The first night back at school had been busy as Head Girl duties kept her running longer into the night than she had hoped after James had gone to the hospital wing.  It was only as she had been settling into bed that she remembered the plans she had made, and began to regret them.  For a year she had hoped she and Severus would be able to reconcile but now that the possibility faced her, her stomach was tying itself in knots and Lily actually felt scared.  She took her time getting dressed, fixing her hair and basically stalling before heading down to breakfast to meet Marlene.  

The look the blonde gave her as she left after breakfast, to go see Severus, could have curdled dairy.  “It will be fine, Kitten” she assured her friend with a wave, hoping she wasn’t lying.  

She reached the courtyard before Severus did and made her way to the stone walls, lifting herself up to sit on one, knees pulled up to her chest and eyes glancing out over the grounds of school as she waited, convincing herself not to turn tail and run.  She was a Gryffindor after all, and if she couldn’t even face her former best friend, what kind of Lion was she.  

Severus nodded compliantly as he observed Lily step out of his path and travel on her way. Even after she had gone, he found himself nodding, entrapped by numbness and a dying desire to justify what had been wronged. After the encounter, Severus ambled back to his compartment grudgingly, his legs nor mind fully comprehending what had occurred an hour prior. Lily Evans… He had spoken to Lily… Not only did they speak, but they maintained a compatible dialogue! Severus found himself smiling, the upward corners of his lips twitching with relieved joy as the tears finally surpassed his inward strength, and fell all over his shocked features. His wrists trembled and his hands ached as Severus purged himself of all tears, wiping at them consistently, and feeling as if he was higher than any altitude could be. Lily. Her name betwixt his mind, causing it to spin, as he lay in his sheets, imagining all of the things that the two of them could now experience together. The overwhelming joy was almost instantly interrupted by a reminding pessimism or realism within the Slytherin boy. Regaining contact was important, doubtlessly, but their relationship was not fixed. As Lily had correctly asserted, she did not trust him, and rightfully so. He had to prove to her that he meant all that he had said. The smile flattened into a look of determination. Severus knew what he had to do, and after hours of restless thinking, he raised himself from the bed, and entered a shower. Perhaps that had been long overdo. A meal.. a cleaning… and Severus found himself to be incapable of stepping any further, collapsed by a multitude of exhaustion. The following day, he finished his breakfast with a dreadful emptiness in his stomach, but opted to proceed to the courtyard, trusting that Lily would be there. He was right. She was there, waiting for him. As he approached her, a small smile took to his lips. “Hey,” he said, sitting beside her and looking on at the unfolding scene. He then returned his eyes to her and noticed the nerves there. He hoped that he could seem relaxed enough to quell them, but Severus was awkward, and Lily knew that better than anyone.

A knot in the pit of her stomach had settled while she waited for Severus to join her, threatening and foreboding.  She had been trying to be optimistic about this meeting all through the night and into the morning but she couldn’t seem to convince herself that this meeting would go anything but arse up.  She wrapped arms around knees as she waited, her chin resting on her legs as the wind whipped her ginger hair around her face.  The air was still warm, summer lingering in the heat of September, and she couldn’t help the small smile that turned up the corners of her lips at the feeling.  

A smile that faded with haste as the familiar voice behind her pulled her from her reverie.  She lifted her head and turned her gaze to land on Severus but she didn’t move much apart from that.  “Hullo,” she said, her voice quiet and cool.  There had once been an ease between the two young people but now that ease was gone, replaced on Severus’ part by an innate awkwardness and on Lily’s by a learned reluctance and worry.  Silence stretched between them, alien and uncomfortable until Lily forced herself to speak again . To make at least the barest semblance of an effort.  “Did you have a good night?”

"It was a night," Severus confirmed with his typical quirky humor, the corners of his lips turning upward as he looked at her. His heart lurched when he finally remembered that this get-together was nothing like their hang-outs surrounded by meadow flowers and morning dew. This was strained and uncomfortable. This needed to break, needed to find normality after a particularly long and painful bump in the road. "However," he countered more conversationally, allowing a more natural smile to blossom. He was not hear to bullshit Lily. Her presence was something that only his dreams had brought to him before, and Severus wanted more than anything to savor this moment.

"I found something that interested me. Bought a book about charms- enticing to say the least." His gaze softened as it fell upon Lily. How could he compensate for what had been damaged? God, he hated himself… He barely deserved to be alive, let alone to sit beside her once more. And God, he loved her. Severus knew not what to do, wondering how long it would take for regularity to ensue. To be able to call her his dearest Lily once more. "How was your night?" He ventured quietly. He could have told her how he had cried joyously knowing that he would be able to see her again, but the comment would be overkill. Instead, Severus asserted, "I had a dream last night.. You were in it." The Slytherin was curious to learn whether or not Lily would implore him about it.

As Severus spoke, Lily tried to listen.  She tried to find the easy camraderie they had once shared where she would ask him a million questions about the book and they would practice the charms it spoke about for hours and hours.  Charms was one of Lily’s favorite subjects and even now a small part of her flared with curiosity about the book.   But the vast majority of her only sulked, trying to find her old and dear friend in a boy she felt she didn’t know anymore.  Instead of asking about the Charms, she wanted to ask how he had gotten through the last year.  If he had been able to breathe for the first few months after their falling out.  She hadn’t been.  What made him think that now she could simply up and move past everything when he more than anyone knew she held grudges with a finesse and stubbornness rarely seen.  

And so she didn’t ask about the Charms, or the past year.  She just nodded and waited for him to go on.  “Busy,” she said in answer to his question about her night, ignoring the mention of his dream.  She didn’t think she wanted to know what the dream was about, wasn’t sure how she’d feel about it and so wanted to avoid it altogether.  “James was in the Hospital Wing so Head duties took a bit longer than I expected they would.”  She was rambling, trying to fill silence.  Otherwise she probably wouldn’t have mentioned James Potter to Severus.  Certainly wouldn’t have called him James, something she was finding a habit of lately where she’d once almost always called him Potter. 

Severus was clever, and the mention of the boy’s first name did not escape his notice as hopelessness welled within him, and he imagined the flashing of green light fester before his eyes. “The Hospital Wing?” He echoed, wondering aloud what had happened, if the overzealous Gryffindor had been hurt. “Potter got hurt?” The question reasserted indifference, but was not as malicious as it was in his head. Severus did not wish suffering upon anyone, but he still firmly believed that James was undeserving of Lily- not that the Slytherin deserved her. No one did. But he did more than the arrogant toerag.

Severus detected the discomfort in her doe-eyes and could not bear to see it there. The appearance was misplaced. Of all people, desolation and confusion did not fit in the mix of Lily’s hues. He exhaled painfully and inquired, “Lily… I don’t want to avoid the subject. I did that for too long. I don’t want to pretend that nothing happened. I don’t want to force friendship. I need to overcome the barrier that I constructed between us.” He gazed at her desperately, knowing that the full conversation should be private, and not among the excess numbers of the student body. “Openness.. Transparency.. Allow me to tell you everything. Not here,” he stammered, calculating her response subconsciously. “You deserve it,” he submitted as he felt the collective tears building up. He needed to illustrate to her how terribly the guilt affected him. That he was not a faceted heartless man who cared not for her. “I have a journal,” Severus informed her. “I started writing in it the night after we.. Became disconnected. After what I said.” He paused, his breath shaking like an empty can. “Every night since then.. A page had been filled, sometimes more. I want you to see that.” He scanned her eyes for acceptance. Clarity was necessary if their friendship was to continue.. If she was to reenter his life once more.

She hadn’t meant for James to be a subject of conversation but she was only now realizing how impossible that would be.  Considering they would be spending so much time together just by virtue of being Head Boy and Girl, it would be unrealistic to think she could separate her relationships with the two boys from one another.  Not to mention, Lily and James were friends now.  At least, she thought they were.  Certainly more than they were when things had blown up between her and Severus.   It would be a drastic change, one she wasn’t sure she was ready to police.  “He was sick,” was all she offered on the subject, not eager to mention his run in with Rosier nor the bad shape he was in on the train.

The second he mentioned the bad history that had passed between them, Lily let out a frustrated breath and shook her head as he spoke.  “You may not want to avoid it anymore but I don’t want to talk about it,” she said in answer to his offer of the journal, his desire to talk about the things that had gone wrong between them.  “I’ve spent a year trying to forget about that day and I don’t want to start again now.”  The fact of the matter was, she couldn’t do it.  Couldn’t rehash the past she had spent months trying to forget.  More than anything, she didn’t want to read about or hear about a year of how he felt bad.  The idea only frustrated her more.  If he had felt so awful, so guilt-ridden, where had he been?  Why had it taken him until she’d finally patched up the wounds he’d made to decide he was ready to fix things. 

Severus winced at the disdain in her voice, afraid to open his mouth. He was painfully reminded of how Tobias would scream at Eileen as he pretended to sleep in his stuffy bedroom, clouded by obscenities which left the witch and the muggle’s mouths. One yelling about not having enough money to pay the bills while the other ranted about lack of sexual intimacy, the arguments pertaining no relevance to the other, with the exception that they would both socially impair the advancement of their son- whom they often forgot that they had conceived. “All right, Lily,” he confirmed, lowering his head to his lap, and attempting to recall the numbness that he felt from his screaming parents, incapable of finding light from the situation. The attempt had been pure- one to show to Lily that he had suffered, and that he loved her more than she knew or was willing to accept. But he had blown every opportunity with her, having no one to blame but himself.

He swallowed the sadness in his throat, the foul taste contaminating his stomach and causing it to uplift in worry as he quieted himself and relieved gently and painfully, “I’m sorry.” He waited for several moments, regaining the little strength that he possessed, looking at his empty lap before sucking in once more, determined to get things back on track. Once again, he damaged what he was trying to repair. “How is Marlene?” Severus did, in fact, have the audacity to inquire about Lily’s best friend’s well-being, even though the woman unquestionably despised him. Nonetheless, Severus could ask, and the issue could be separated from his own self, wondering simply how she had been, considering that he had not been around her in recent times, and even rarely before too.

Lily felt bad for the sharpness in her voice as she watched Severus’ face fall upon hearing it.  It hadn’t been her intention to hurt him or upset him, she just simply couldn’t bear to go over details of their tumultuous past.  Not yet, anyway.  She hadn’t realized, though, that she was still so angry.  She’d thought she’d moved past that, from grief to anger to acceptance.  But it seems she’d simply buried it all beneath issues with Petunia and worry for her friends instead of actually dealing with it.  “I’m sorry,” she said as he apologized as well.  “I just - I can’t -“  She took another breath and shook her head, unable to explain but willing to let it go and try again.

The question was unexpected, as Severus had not once ever inquired after Marlene even when they had been on good terms.  “She’s fine,” she answered.  It wasn’t a lie, per say, but Marlene would certainly not thank her to discuss with Severus the prickly witch she’d been all summer while she’d been worrying herself sick over Sirius.  More walls went up in Lily’s mind, more things she had to keep from mentioning, more barriers between her life with Severus and everyone else.  “I spent the summer with her and her family,” she offered, the only fact about her she could safely share. 

"You have nothing to apologize for," Severus offered with a meek smile, a gentle kindness and reassurance comprising his eyes. She was so beautiful. Everything about Lily mesmerized him. Despite their bad terms, he could tell from their conversation that she was trying. Severus did not even deserve the effort that she put in, yet Lily tried anyways, a clear reflection of her own bravery and uncommon kindness. She was alighted with it; wisdom embodied her, enveloped her, expressed with her as its vessel that she was not only a gifted witch, but a wholesomely sweet woman. Each second that he spent with her, even restricted and uncomfortable, reminded Severus of why he was trying to redeem himself. For her. For himself too, admittedly, but to ensure that Lily could be peaceful and have closure- whether that closure endowed reclaiming on old friend, loving him once more, or finality that would sever him eternally but liberate her from the guilt that she did not deserve to have on her shoulders.

"That sounds enjoyable," he continued softly, the smile managing to broaden as he considered the summer scene. At least Lily had been in the comforts of her dearest friend’s closeness. Hearing that simple truth healed some of Severus’ worries. She had people to lean back on; to depend on; and then, he thought of Petunia, and began to hate himself further. He was only a replicator of what she had done to Lily. Severus needed to break that image; to prove that he was better than that; that he was not the previously consumed dark boy who made poor decisions, but that he had matured. That he could and would be safe and trustworthy for her- a reliable outlet of sorts. "I imagine that the weather was kind to you- I thought that the sun might never stop shining this past summer. Such incredible heat. Thought I might become a puddle." Of course, the heat had not bothered the boy, tucked away in lonesome chill, but he had heard from others that the temperature had been unbearable. He was trying- he certainly was.

It was easier for Lily to relax as they spoke about the summer.  Her mind could focus on Marlene and the time they’d spent, at least the time that wasn’t spent crying over Petunia or raging over Sirius.  Instead she thought of the trips to the beach or the hours spent in the meadows nearby.  Lily and Mary had dragged Marlene into muggle London to show her what muggles did for fun.  As he mentioned the weather, another tiny grin echoed in the corners of her mouth.  “The sun and the ginger are not good friends,” she said with a wry tone to her voice.  “I was as red as a lobster half of the summer,” she admitted with the wryness of one who had made that mistake before and had yet to learn  from it. 

Severus laughed gently, the sound deep and throbbing, as if the reverberation caught in his throat, unnatural- not because of his situation with Lily- but rather because he did not laugh often. In a strange way, the sensation was comforting as Severus realized that the notion this time was not at all forced. He had truly imagined Lily reddening like a ripe tomato, envisioning her running for shelter in the shade, looking on at the crashing ocean waves, and coming up with something beautiful in that intelligent head of hers. Severus could nearly see the three girls going off on some adventure that he would only dream to understand, and would observe in admiration of her cleverness and adventurism. He possessed little creativity in that regard, but certainly could appreciate it when he saw it. “I am sure you befriended the sunscreen adamantly.” The humorous words left his lips as the smile continued to stretch his face. “I understand the travesty of being pale myself.” A slight roll of the dark eyes in amusement. “I bake in the summer swelter.”

"Yes but you never go outside in the summer unless you’re dragged," she pointed out with pursed lips and innocent teasing before realizing how easily she’d fallen into old patterns.  Safely hidden away from the memories of fifth year, she seemed to be able to let her guard down and be with Severus the way she had been before.  If only they could manage to stay this way.  To ignore the past altogether.  Probably not healthy for their relationship in the long run but in this moment, it was the best Lily could offer him.  

Severus looked at Lily after the comment, a satirical smile pulling at the corner of his lips as he confirmed, “That… That could not be more true.” He nodded in complete affirmation, nearly adding that he used to greet the summer sun as an old friend when he knew that Lily would be in the meadow. At the knowledge of that, Severus would drop everything, and rush to lie beside her, gaze up at the puffy white clouds that now symbolized the only part of his childhood worth remembering: the time spent with her comfortably laid out in the field, adorned by flowers and their sweet smells. “Though, I’ll tell you,” he continued, looking as if he was about to reveal a monumental secret. “I get a dreamy gleam to my hair when I am under the rays. Think it suits me.” He tossed the black hair once as the smirk reshaped his features in a sarcastic poke at his less than flattering appearance.

"It most certainly is" she insisted.  For the first time since he’d joined her in the courtyard, she let her legs loose from her chest, pulling them crossed in front of her instead of tight to her chest.  She remembered their summers together as well as he did and she remembered how she had to grab his hand and tug him into the meadows with her until they were twelve or thirteen and he realized she would not be denied.   Lily loved the warm weather, the sun and the flowers and not even her best friend would keep her from them.  As he jokingly attempted to flip his hair, Lily couldn’t help but chuckle lightly at the ridiculous picture it made.  "A regular sun child you are," she agreed through lips she finally allowed to smile.

"Must be hereditary," Severus commented, but there was no malice behind his voice. Lily was perfectly aware of his own family situation, knowing more about Tobias and Eileen than anyone with the exception of himself. His father was even worse than he was, Severus concluded, acknowledging that the man had not seen the light of day since he had met his mother, and even then, the acquaintance of living dark and light was brief. He had met her in a bar, after all, and the two spent time indoors, doing things that Severus did not have the will to think about. He pursed his lips, filled with nostalgic memories as he remembered picking flowers to place in Lily’s red locks, admiring her then and now, the look of contentment mirrored in some fashions. "Perhaps I could have done one of those muggle hair commercials. Would have made some decent money." The old and newly-redeemed Severus was resurfacing, ready to meet Lily once more, to start fresh and new.

Lily’s laugh slowly faded out and the smile on her lips became soft and small again.  The brief flash of easy friendship between them was beginning to go cold, at least for Lily.  She knew it was her own fault, she could see how hard Sev was trying.  But as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t hold on to that easy feeling.  As soon as the moment passed, she started to wonder what to say next, how to keep things civil, and she’d never had to try so hard before.  “Would have,” she agreed, fighting to keep her smile in place.  She bit her lip as she tried to think of something else to say, some way to keep the conversation going, but for the normally talkative witch, it was a harder feat that she remembered and silence began to encroach once again.

Severus detected Lily’s lack of comfort almost instantly and that terrible pang of self-hatred inhabited him again. His body was a vessel to be manipulated and abused by his subconscious. More often than not, Severus would stumble, blinded by the tears that never ceased to flow from his eyes, desperate to find relief in something, but discovering no such comfort by being conscious. Even his dreams wielded secret weapons to pierce him with, culminating great energy for the sole purpose of tearing him down in the end. He would be built up to great proportions only to be ravished by the end of the mighty augment and the crippling fall. Severus had so many things to say, none of which Lily was ready to respond to; none of which she would be willing to hear yet; Severus could respect her need to regain comfort and eventual trust in him. He had not expected the ride to be smooth- but he hoped that she would be willing to work through those difficulties. His eyes rested tiredly on her, the fatigue and aging in them apparent to those with working hues as he mentioned half-jokingly, “Much has changed, huh?” The smile remained there, but was not the joyous one that had occupied his face moments prior. “The world is an interesting place, Lil.” He heaved a sigh before telling her more seriously, “I appreciate your willingness to see me. It was beyond the highlight of my day.” More like his life, Severus thought.

Lily honestly didn’t mean to drag this down this way.  She’d promised she would make an effort and for amoment everything had seemed like it was going well.  But Lily still didn’t fully realize the damage he had caused back in fifth year, couldn’t believe that it was something she would never really recover from.  She was sure that given time she could overcome anything, even this.  That was the supposition she was operating under, anyway.  It would likely be her undoing but it was the only way she knew how.  She nodded as he pointed out how much things had changed, biting her lips as she looked down at her hands, fingers laced together as they sat in her lap.  “Everything’s changed,” she added quietly.  She wasn’t the same girl she’d been two years ago and she was starting to think there wasn’t enough of that girl left for this experiment to work.  “No trouble,” she said with a shrug as he thanked her, the comment getting dangerously close to talking about the time they’d spent apart, something she stubbornly wanted to avoid.  “Missed you is all.”  This was muttered almost inaudibly, directed at her hands and forced out against her better judgement.  

The statement evoked the rawest of emotions from Severus as he gazed at Lily with deep and regretful eyes. “Lily,” he said softly, noticing her lack of eye contact as she stared at her lap. Severus was aware of how much effort it would take her to become comfortable around him again. If only he could tell her how much he truly did love her.. If only she could believe him with certainty when he assured her that he would never be that foolish boy again. If only she would be receptive to it all. “Lily, you must know, that I missed you too.. I missed you so much..” He told her, his voice non-threatening. The conversation would need to come into play at some point, and if it was gentle and honest- if Severus was not overbearing- then perhaps Lily would open up to him. “I was a fool,” he told her in an even more tender voice. “I was such a fool to hurt you, Lily.” He gazed at her, waiting for her to lift her head, his hues filled with the promise that life would get better, that she was strong; that she was stronger than anyone he had ever known. “I love you. The coward traitor that I was then…” He trailed off, shaking his head in disgust at himself. “That isn’t the honorable and honest man I am now. He is long gone. He isn’t coming back.”

She wanted more than anything to believe that he had missed her.  Because that would make it easier, knowing that he’d missed her as much as she’d missed him.  It wouldn’t make up for the past year but it would be a start.  She wanted to believe him so much that it hurt but she couldn’t wrap her head around it.  She bit her lip as he spoke, keeping her eyes on her hands even as she could feel his gaze boring into her as he spoke so ardently.  She nodded lightly at his words, accepting them but still not really knowing how to respond.  She hated this feeling, as if she were adrift with no way to anchor herself and nothing to tell her where to go.  “I don’t know what to do here, Sev,” she finally admitted.  “I want to believe you and I want to fix things but I just - I don’t know how.”

Severus nodded in understanding of Lily’s predicament. He couldn’t fathom how she was feeling because of what he had done to her, nearly forcing her hand to be in this situation; if she had refused him the previous day, he would not have intervened against her will, but if he had never screwed up to begin with, neither of them would have to cope with the difficult situation. “I know,” he told her sadly, exhaling once before rubbing his head tiredly with a largely pale hand. “It will take time,” Severus confirmed, looking at her- though she could not see him as she looked upon her lap- with the most adoring eyes to ever be set on a person. “I will make this right, Lily.” This voice was more emotional than the last. “I will prove it to you. Not simply through words- through action.” He paused before informing her, “I’ve been a coward. An idiotic fool. Loose in my convictions, but I know where I stand now- and that is where you are. Where there is good. Where there is loyalty. I will prove that to you if you decide to grant me that chance.” Severus left his fate in her hands- wishing so desperately to prove to her how much he did, indeed, love her- and how much he also hoped to change their lives for the better; to justify the switching of his sides from dark to light.

"I’ve already decided to give you the chance," she pointed out, her discomfort at his apparent need to apologize in every moment of silence between them evident in her voice.  "I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t."   She felt anxious and she pushed herself off the wall, though once she was standing she simply shifted her weight back and forth nervously.   "But we have to get past this."  She gestured wide with her arm, as if she could illustrate all the things that stood between them in such an expansive gesture.  "I can’t keep doing this part.  The apology and the promises."  She wasn’t yelling or shouting, her voice wasn’t raised in the slightest.  She simply sounded ill at ease, unsure.  Two emotions she wasn’t used to and didn’t enjoy entertaining.  "I can’t keep hearing them because I can’t forgive you yet.  And saying you’re sorry over and over isn’t making it any easier."  The fact of the words was harsh but it was the truth.  She was trying and she would keep trying but she couldn’t forgive him yet and remembering that only pushed her farther away.

"You’re right," he agreed, and as she stood, his eyes fell to his own lap. Social situations had never been easy for the boy. All he knew was to apologize; he hated the grey area that remained in their relations, but it had been improbable for him to expect immediate alleviation in their tensions. "Definitely," he confirmed more certainly as he recognized the childishness of his farfetched expectation. After a few moments, Severus stood and kept a respectful distance. When he determined that the moment had passed, he did not further instigate the discomfort, and instead inquired, "Which classes have you opted to take this year?" The black eyes were both curious and eager to switch topics, though keenly interested in what she was doing during academic time.

She let out a breath of relief she hadn’t realized she was holding as he stopped repeating his endless apology.  She knew it was meant for the best and she did appreciate it.  There was simply nothing to be done, now, but wait for her to come around in her own time and she was grateful that didn’t seem to deter him.  “Full schedule of NEWT classes,” she said with a bit of a grin, the academic in her excited for the challenge while the teenager in her had yet to regret the amount of work she was dooming herself too.  “Potions, of course.  DADA, Transfiguration, Charms, Herbology, and History of Magic.”  All the NEWTS required to become an auror, thought she didn’t feel the need to mention that.  It was something she hadn’t mentioned to anyone but Marlene yet.  Prior to the last summer she’d thought she wanted to work in the Ministry, perhaps in the Muggle Liasion Office, or for the Daily Prophet.  But as the world around her got darker and darker, there was one other option she had decided to consider, and it was the only one with NEWT requirements.

The smile that occupied Lily’s features was contagious, traveling instantly to Severus’ face. The smile encouraged such joy in him that he would not have believed to be possible earlier that week. Simply seeing the happiness which betwixt her lips enlightened him with immense contentment. Her intelligence was doubtless. “Impressive,” he complimented with a broadening grin, shaking his head as if to say, “I never doubted you.” A proud chuckle escaped his lips, “Wanting to be an Auror?” The Slytherin had not gained the knowledge from anyone, but based on the heaviness of her class selection, which complemented his in terms of difficulty, he assumed that she was attempting to earn a prestigious position. “Nothing more admirable than that. Good for you, Lil- That’s wonderful.”

Lily was surprised when he guessed the profession from the classes, not many would have thought she’d even consider life as an Auror.  Spitfire though she was, Lily wasn’t the type to want to devote her life to hunting and chasing.  She couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow when he called the profession admirable.  The Severus she knew, who she had watched develop a steady infatuation with the kind of wizards Aurors would refer to as Dark, would never have been quite so pleased with this career path.  But then, she didn’t chose it for the fun.  “I don’t know that it’s wonderful,” she said with a shrug.  “It just feels - necessary,” she said after a moment.  She had long felt that once she graduated Hogwarts, she needed to do something to combat the coming darkness and, to someone with a logical and ordered mind, Auror was it. What other options were there?

"As long as you’re happy," Severus agreed with a nod. The last thing he wanted was to see Lily in an uncomfortable and unfitting profession. He always envisioned her doing something to benefit the well-being of others. He did not like the idea of her being exposed to danger, but the innate bravery within her would disable her guaranteed safety no matter where she found herself working in the future. Severus had been attracted to the darkness of the magical world. He was mesmerized by the ability of people to go bad after living under suppressive conditions, and never knew the light of the world until introducing himself to the redhead. The darkness remained inside of him, but he could no longer afford to act on it. He needed to possess goodness to protect Lily, and not to mention, to ensure his own well-being in the future. "I am taking all NEWTS myself." Severus wondered if they would share any of the same classes- though he had no intention of becoming an auror.

She shrugged again, though this time it wasn’t their awkwardness that fueled her displeasure.  She hadn’t worried so much about being happy for a while now, not when it came to the future.  Spending the summer with Marlene’s family had been a bit of an eye opener.  She often felt cut off from the wizarding world when she spent the summer in her muggle home and things were always cut off from Hogwarts but the summer with Marlene had been revealing in many ways.  But that wasn’t exactly easy or light conversation and so she pushed it from her mind.  “So we should have a number of classes together,” she observed, since most NEWT level students combined regardless of house.  “What do you want to do once you graduate?” she asked, as such a full load of NEWTS didn’t lend itself to one thing or another, just the love of knowledge she had always known in Severus.

"Survive," Severus answered as a quiet smile crept onto his face, which would devoid of a hope to receive sympathy or any related emotion. The only thing the Slytherin could ponder was making it through the school year. He used to see far ahead, but with his future skewed and immature plans severed, he no longer had a concrete idea. "Perhaps find a job somewhere.. In the ministry." He gave a light shrug. "Do some good somewhere. Help people." Severus would bore easily in lower-level classes, aware of his high intellect, and also pleased to have further contact with Lily. "Could be fun having classes together," he ventured. "Maybe we could be partners sometime."

Lily wished she could say she could picture that future for Severus.  A job in the Ministry, doing something that helped the rest of their world.  It wasn’t that she didn’t think him suited for it, though to be honest she didn’t know what she saw him suited to anymore.  No, the real thing blocking that vision wasn’t Severus at all.  It was the climate around them, the way things were turning.  As much as she planned to be an Auror, focused on her future and took steps to achieve it, more and more those steps were taken like a blind woman just following old paths.  She didn’t know if anything she did was of any use anymore and that scared her more than anything.  And so she focused on the idea of classes together, on the small and the present and the now.  “Yeah, could be fun,”she said, forcing half a smile.  “And I finally dropped Astonomy so you won’t even have to carry me through it like you used to.”

"You were always good at it," Severus informed Lily with a more natural grin before becoming overcome with nostalgia. "You never gave yourself credit there, Lil, but you always were great." Like himself, the Gryffindor was a perfectionist, always trying to enhance her abilities and to surround herself with challenging rigor. "Perfectionism can be a downfall- but I always like the difficulty. Nice to think that I have potential in that sense." The conversation seemed to be going smoother with focus away from "them." The truth was saddening, but Severus expected that after much time and soul-searching, he and Lily could resume their old friendship and normality could ensue- at least, that was what he hoped for, the rare optimism certain.

"I was not," she protested.  Comfort was slowly seeping intot he space between them and a part of Lily was sad that she could only relax with him anymore if they were talking about mundane things.  The part of her that had never left the meadows near their homes despaired for the people they had been, wondered if they’d ever be those two again. But the young woman she was now simply tried to focus on the things that didn’t raise her ire, on the promise she’d made and intended to keep.   "I hated that class and I could never make sense of anything I saw up there."  She’d hated Astronomy, though she was a bit biased as it had meant being in class when anyone with any sense was sleeping.  "The only perfectionist part is that I kept at it longer than I had any need to."

Severus nodded. “That’s fair.” The class was challenging, but mostly a snooze, and for that reason many people opted not to take the class during their final year, seeking more adventurous courses that had opened up particularly to them. “I’m still there,” he told her with a little shrug and another engrained smile. “Not sure how it’ll help with the future, but I didn’t feel like stopping what I had started.” Severus was stubborn in many ways, one of them being academic. “I don’t have a great love for the topic, but you know me. I would’ve felt like the information from years prior would have been wasted without a final credit.” Not to mention, Severus could not think of another class to take; at least the student body was largely the same, and decreased the chances of being bullied- a sad rationale when one considered the boy’s reasoning.

"I do know that, "she agreed as he spoke about the obsessive need they shared to see through the things they began.  "That’s why I took it all the way through sixth year."  She could have dropped Astronomy in third year but had stubbornly kept at it until sixth year.  When she started shifting her goals around, thinking of becoming an Auror and taking stock of what was really important, then she finally had the reasoning she needed to convince herself that dropping the class wasn’t giving up.  "Are you still in Arithmancy as well?" she asked, naming the other subject she’d dropped, this time because it was simply the dullest thing she’d ever heard of.  

"I gained some sense," Severus confided, the cheeky- but limited- color to returning to the pallor face. "Dropped that one- could no longer stand the babbling." The Slytherin motioned with the movement of his fingers, laughing lightly at the impression before commenting, "In all honesty, I didn’t find the subject to be helpful to my future." The future was entirely unknown to Severus after experiencing such abrupt twists and turns, uncertain of where he would end up in the grand scheme of things. But he did hope that the days ahead would not be as bleak as the ones behind him. He was sure that Lily could sympathize with that feeling, ready to face the adult world and to gain independence.

"I don’t know how we managed it as long as we did," she said with groan, just thinking of the boring hours she spent barely managing to stay awake in Arithmancy.  "I mean it’s just a fancy form of divination.   Completely useless and dull to boot."  Lily’s dislike for Divination was widely known, she more or less regarded it as rubbish of the highest order.  You could practically head her eyes roll as she spoke, especially if you were Severus.  Someone who had watched her dislike of divination grow from his front row seat.  

The softest of smiles crept onto Severus’ features without even his recognition. Lily’s presence and flashback provided him with memories that had been pushed into the back of his mind in light of recent events, but beckoning to the front was solacing. “You were never one for foreseeing the future, hm?” Severus inquired rhetorically, already knowing the answer very well himself. “Prefer to live in the present.” The dark eyes scaled over her as the smile broadened just as gently.

"I was never any good at it," she pointed out in a rare and easy return to their old relationship.  That wasn’t the kind of thing Lily admitted easily.  To not succeed at something irked her on deep levels.  Many thought it was simply because she was a perfectionist but the truth was, Lily had always felt liek she had something to prove.  Being Muggle born, she had to be better than those who had grown up with magic around them if she even wanted to be seen as equal.  It was rubbish logic but it had always been hers and any subject that gave her trouble immediately rubbed her the wrong way.  "Besides, the future people see in those teacups is always dark.  No one ever looks at your cards and says ‘oh it looks like you’ll get those socks you wanted for christmas this year and good job on the promotion.’  Who wants that kind of stressful forknowledge?"

Severus nodded in agreement. He recalled Mulciber receiving such dark prophecies and watched the Slytherin’s face shade with some rare kind of evil pride which had always frightened Severus and caused him to consider why the two had become friends to begin with. The two had separated for several weeks at the time of Lily and Severus’ conversation in the courtyard, but the other male was often trying to reach out to resume a connection that Severus told himself he would never reconnect. “You didn’t need it anyway,” Severus informed her comfortingly. “You’re going to have the brightest future of anyone who has taken that class- certainly not something that you should worry about.” He paused before mentioning, “I never liked the ambiguity of it. Feeling stuck and knowing that while some might know their fates, I never would.” Nothing was ever black and white with Severus. From the moment he was born, uncertainty complemented his arrival to the world; uncertainty regarding every aspect of his  life except for Lily.

She grinned at his words and it was finally beginning to take on something of a genuine feel to it.  It wasn’t forced, though it was still soft and small, but it was a step in the right direction.   Finally.  “As bright as I can manage, I hope,” she said as she sat back down on the wall, easily this time, not curled up around herself.   “Sometimes it seems like there isn’t much bright waiting for any of us once we leave here.”  As his words took on heavier meaning, she let herself follow him into that weightier frame of mind.  “I always believed the only people who ever truly ‘saw’ their fate were the ones who already knew what they wanted it to be,” she mused.    “The ones who would do anything to shape it just how they wanted.”  Which was never a way she wanted to be.  She’d like to know if life would be good or not but to be so set on one path that you weren’t open to anything else?  It felt like an anchor.  Or an elephant on her chest.

A content smile formulated on the Slytherin’s fatigued face, run down by months of alienation and weathered by tears much like rock and soil were eroded by meandering rivers. “Always a very clever woman, Lily,” he complimented softly at her observation. “I cannot admit to knowing my own path,” he illustrated as the smile softened into a look of peaceful acceptance as he peered at the beautiful redhead beside him. As much as he had disdained the sorting of her into Gryffindor, he could now understand it. Her bravery was inarguable, her faithfulness perpetual. “You belong in Gryffindor,” he told her with a faint smile, likely saying the words which she had been waiting for for many years. “Brave people- truly kind and loyal people- like yourself always find their way.” He nodded with certainty growing in the black hues. “You will find greatness,” he said to her next. “Not goodness- but greatness.”

"I don’t think I’d want to know, even if I could manage it," she mused.  The deeper into this conversation they got, the more normal Lily began to feel.  This was what things had been like between them once.  Their entire friendship was based on a curious girl and an introspective boy, exchanging ideas and trading theories.  This was the boy she had missed.  "Knowing would mean it was set in stone and the idea of that is just terrifying,"  The idea that nothing she could do or decide could change so predetermined path in her life made Lily feel helpless and suffocated.  No, she preferred a life far away from the influence of divination.  She smiled at his words, words she’d never known she always wanted to hear.  Since the Sorting had separated them in a very tangible way, Lily had longed to know that he loved her anyway.  The last time life had thrown an obstacle between she and someone she loved, she hadn’t been so lucky.  And then it had happened again, in fifth year, but hearing him now - well it didn’t make up for it but it certainly helped to salve the wound.  "I don’t need greatness," she said quietly.  "I’d be happy to settle for goodness."

"And that is what makes you so great," Severus added touchingly, the deep eyes connecting with hers as he smiled peacefully. "That you are capable of achieving greatness, but that through your modesty, you are willing to settle with less." The heartbreak which had constantly lurked over the Slytherin like an unwanted shadow seemed to dissipate in those moments, dwindling into obscurity, outshone by the powerful force of love that Severus had once gagged at in mocking denial, but now had come to his senses enough to embrace the ideal with welcome and hope. "I’ve known since I first met you that you would be special- and no, not because we were magical beings among those who were not magical in the same ways." He paused thoughtfully before saying, "But that even among all magical beings, you would still be as beautiful and special- I have been wrong about a lot of things, Lily. But not that."

She smiled at his words, flattered but as he continued, she began to feel a weight pressing on her chest.  The girl he spoke about, she was incredible.  She was revered and loved and adored, from the way his voice sounded, but most importantly, she wasn’t her.  Lily’s smile faded slowly and she shook her head, trying not to let panic consume her but losing some of the ease that had come with innocuous conversation about Divination and the future.  “Sev, stop,” she said softly, his nickname slipping out of her lips easily.  “I’m not - I don’t -” she stopped herself, taking a breath, settling her mind and fighting off the weight.  “I don’t want to special,” she said finally.  “I don’t want to be great.”  She couldn’t look at him as she spoke, looking down at her hands instead but this time she didn’t move away, didn’t put distance between them.  “I’m sick of being better or worse of different.  I just - I want to be like everyone else.  Equal.  The same.”  She didn’t know if she meant with him or with the world, it wasn’t so much his feelings for her that were over whemling her, but the pedastal he put her on.   She felt like she was standing up too high and she was terrified to fall.

Severus noticed Lily’s heightening dismay and immediately felt discouraged. The dark eyes lowered to the ground, scanning each small creature that scampered by, unsure of how to continue while self-consciously placing his hands on top of the other in a nervous pattern. “I didn’t mean-” He said before halting himself, knowing that no matter what he said, no matter his great oratory skills, Severus would be in the wrong. “I just meant that I think highly of you,” he nearly whispered and exhaled softly. “Nothing you could do would change that.” Severus loved her; whether she the lowest in the class or the highest. It would be impossible for her to fall.

She didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable again, on the contrary it was because they’d been getting on so well that she was confident enough to say that to him.  “I know,” she said with a deep breath.  “No, I know I just - I didn’t mean just you.”  She ran a hand through her hair, a nervous habit she’d begun to pick up, as she tried to find the right words.  “Sometimes I feel like you and my other friends, you all hold me up on this impossibly high standard and then everyone else is telling me I’m worthless and I just - what I wouldn’t give for one day where no one noticed me at all.”

The “worthless” statement rang through his ears, and voluntarily or not, as if programmed subconsciously, Severus’ eyes shot up from his lap to meet hers, no longer distracted by the miscellaneous elements on the brick floor. “Lily…” The voice was soft, both self-accusing, and consumed with gentleness at the same time. “You are the most worthwhile person in the world- no matter what anyone tells you. Don’t you see it?” A silent smile stretched his pale lips. “People are jealous of you- Nothing you could do, no matter how silly would make me think less of you.” Severus settled a bit, his tone becoming calm once more. “There is no pressure here. And anyone who pressures you?” He shook his head. “They don’t deserve you.”

As a silent smile crossed his lips, a soft one matched it on her own.  She really did appreciate the words her was giving her, the care with which he chose them.  He was comforting her as any friend would, Marlene or Mary or Sirius or James, they would all say the same more or less if she’d shared this with them.  After all, how did you comfort someone who just wanted to be told that she was normal and insignificant.  It was a ludicrous need and she recognized that.  And so she smiled, nodding at his words, biting her lip.  “We’re really out of practice at keeping it light, aren’t we?” she said after a minute, making a joke because she couldn’t do anything else.

"A bit," Severus agreed with a smile as his eyes remained attached to hers, unwilling to falter for the reason that pulling away might suggest lack of true care, even though Lily would not think differently of him for the simple aversion of eyes. But to the Slytherin, the connection meant everything. "You are special," he said with certainty, though finality, not wanting to drag out the conversation too much, but needing her to recognize that she was special; that she could not push this truth under the rug and blend in with all of the others because she was magnificent in every aspect. "Perhaps we should have joined a magical acting class," he told her with a light chuckle at the realization that their friendship contained enough drama, goods and bads, to fit a play well.

She believed it, when people like Sev or Marlene or even James said it.  That she was special.  She sat here and saw the look in his eyes as he said it and she could believe it.  It was when he was gone and she was on her own that the conviction was hard to hold on to.  She was grateful as he moved off that topic of conversation, accepting the change of subject she so badly needed.  “That’s what Hogwarts needs, a drama program.  Channel our teenage melodramatics into something other than gossip.”  

A light smile encompassed the man’s features, and Severus began to believe- not that he had not acknowledged the irrevocable truth long ago- that Lily could say anything and make him smile. The melancholy nature of her voice, painted with a soft humor, pleased him, and introduced him to the normality and consistency that he had missed over the year. Gosh, he had been foolish.. Too afraid to apologize sooner though he needed to embrace that apology and reconcile for his childish behaviors. “Perhaps we would receive the leading roles,” he allowed with humor relative to Lily’s.

"Yeah, maybe," she said softly before silence fell again.  And she felt guilty.  She had told him she would try and this was the best that she could do?  She wanted to say he deserved better than that but then she remembered why they were like this in the first place.  And holding that against him made her feel even more guilty. She let out a soft sigh, biting her lip as she looked up at him.  "Sev," she began, his name from her lips surprising her.  "I…I have to go," she said finally, biting back the words she’d actually been meaning to say.  She would keep trying, she wouldn’t let this ruin her chance to have Severus back in her life.  "I promised I’d meet her for lunch and she’ll come looking if I’m late."  It wasn’t false, Marlene had made her promise and lunch was coming up soon.  "See you in Potions?" she said as she stood, the question hopeful.  It wasn’t just a flippant comment, something you said to anyone in passing.  Not the way she said it now.  Now it was hopeful, hesitant.  A promise that she would try again.  She wasn’t giving up, she just needed time.  He’d once understood her so well, knew the things she didn’t say.  She hoped he would know this.

Even a moment of Lily’s time far surpassed the broken boy’s expectation. Their time spent in the Courtyard had been a blessing to the Slytherin. He had no intention of making her feel badly in that moment in time, especially because she had granted him the most crucial element of their relationship in just under an hour: time spent talking and mending what he had foolishly dismantled. “Absolutely,” he said, rising as Lily excused herself. “Let Marlene know that I said hello.” Of course, Severus was aware that this would not happen, and even if Lily passed on his cordial message, Marlene would not respond to it well. The scene and surrounding dimmed before him as Severus focused his eyes on the beautiful redhead in front of him; silently captivated by her, as if in the blink of an eye, she would disappear from his gaze eternally. Severus cleared his throat, offering a nod, before saying kindly, “Thank you, Lily. I’ll see you in Potions.” He paused awkwardly before mentioning with finality, “Have a nice night.” Tearing his feet from the spot beside her was painfully difficult, but he feigned friendly ease, and Severus found himself moving towards the nearest corridor to disappear into the shadows of his bedchamber.