#setphaserstostunning

Nick I'm flying solo today, on account of Phil is on a sub-starship from England back to LA as I type.

Despite the episode's title and women going 2/2 in scantily outfits, I'm going to keep my feminist critiques to a minimum after my "Mudd's Women" rant.

Today's Deep Question With Gene Roddenberry: Do androids dream of electric love?

The Answer: Do they ever.

We learn that Nurse Christine evidently gave up "a career in bio research" in order to join the crew of a Starship. Why is that? Is bio research not a thing they do aboard the Enterprise? Do you need 5 or more years of experience having a penis to apply?

Did I say to a minimum? Okay, I'm done.

Kirk and Nurse Christine beam down to a freezing planet to meet renowned scientist, Doctor Roger Korby, to whom Christine was once engaged. Strange things are soon afoot, which we know because two red shirts die almost immediately.

In essence, Korby discovered Android cloning technology left behind by the planet's previous inhabitants. His #2, his sexy maven sidekick, and his giant lackey are all Robots In Disguise. Christine rather hilariously implies that Korby has been porking Andrea The Android, to which Korby replies "She only follows orders. She has no need." Seems like admission by avoidance to me, Doctor.

Even if he has been sticking it into her electrical socket, the big twist is pretty obvious from the early goings: Korby, too, is an Android. The doctor transferred his consciousness into an Android duplicate to evade death and he's passing the life-saving possibilities onto youuuuu!

Yadda yadda, you can't fix humans by removing their humanity, yadda yadda, Kirk and Christine return safely to the Enterprise after all the Androids die.

Things of note:

The Android Duplication Machine is a spinning merry-go-round with straps. If this were applicable Science, my washer and dryer way more impressive. Thanks, Science.

The raw materials for Androids are goo husks. [pictured]

Ruk, Dr. Korby's giant lackey, looks like a combination of a Goomba from SUPER MARIO BROS. THE MOVIE and Martian Manhunter:

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Ruk can duplicate voices, a skill that is established and then has almost no bearing on the plot.

Here's what we learned from Kirk today:

Sultry kisses can override an Android's logic circuits

Sherry Jackson, god damn

Never underestimate your greatest asset: The barrel roll

Penis rock

Nick has ridiculous questions, Phil has reasonable facsimiles of answers.

Nick:  "Five-Year Mission," huh? I have some questions: When did it begin? How far into the five years does the show begin? Five years based on what calendar? How do they keep track of Earth years aboard the Enterprise? Do they account for space travel and warp speed time dilation? What happens after the five years are up? Where is the Enterprise in relationship to Earth? Wouldn't it take them five years just to get back? If the Federation was truly interested in a scientific approach, wouldn't they send hundreds of "five-year missions" all across the Universe? How many are there? What’s the rate of ships that make it back? Are they supposed to make it back? What's the survival rate of crewmembers? What's the compensation for families of the deceased? Are the missions pre-determined, or does Kirk just kinda fly until he finds trouble? Who's driving this boat? WHAT GEAR ARE YOU IN?

Phil: Okay, so:

When did it begin? How far into the five years does the show begin? It started -- I dunno, sometime between the end of Pike’s command of the Enterprise and the start of Kirk’s. And from what I’ve read, this is not the only five-year mission -- it’s kind of common, given that Starfleet’s mandate is exploration and whatnot. Anyway, it’s pretty near to the beginning, one must assume.

Five years based on what calendar? How do they keep track of Earth years aboard the Enterprise? They keep track of Earth time with the stardate chart, and the ship has a chronometer that measures ship time relative to outside time on the bridge, like we saw in “The Naked Time.” Remember, it had a time travel indicator apparently.

Do they account for space travel and warp speed time dilation? Yes, pretty sure they account for time dilation.

Where is the Enterprise in relationship to Earth? Wouldn't it take them five years just to get back? The Enterprise is all over the place in relationship to Earth, but if you really want to break down the math, I’ve read that the distance to the edge of the galaxy -- where the Enterprise is in “Where No Man Has Gone Before” -- would take the Enterprise about 2.5ish years to reach at the maximum starship velocity envisioned by Gene Roddenberry when he was pitching the show -- which is (if I remember correctly) like 0.73 light years per hour. So no, it doesn’t take them that long to get back to Earth. Or maybe. I dunno. Warp drive.

What happens after the five years are up? How many are there? What’s the rate of ships that make it back? Starfleet has sent out five-year missions before and continues to after the Enterprise’s, I believe, but not hundreds. Starfleet is an exploration operation, but it’s also a fleet of peacekeeping ships. Also remember that this era has tension with the Klingon Empire, so not everyone can just blast off and go exploring shit. Somebody’s gotta worry about keeping Klingons out of the Federation. I dunno how many there are or how many make it back. It’s a Starfleet so probably a few.

Are they supposed to make it back? Yes, they’re supposed to make it back. Supposedly the Enterprise has enough food for its 430-member crew for five years.

What's the survival rate of crewmembers? What's the compensation for families of the deceased? The survival rate of the crew? Their pay? Dude, I dunno. You know this is a TV show, right?

Hell, though, I bet if we took track of everyone who dies and measured it against the 430 figure, the rate would be “kinda crap.”

Are the missions pre-determined, or does Kirk just kinda fly until he finds trouble? The five-year mission is basically a mandate to do whatever. Kirk still receives orders from Starfleet to go check crap out and help folks and whatnot -- like in “The Naked Time,” for example -- but basically the five-year mission part is just an overarching thing. “When not shooting folks, getting crew killed by space madness or picking people up off exploding planets, feel free to fly around, talk to aliens, and travel through time.”