#sesshatetsuko

"Kenshin...? "

The swordsman, still fully dressed despite the late hour, was sitting in the middle of the pitch dark room. Right hand tightly clasped on his sword. The shoji overlooking the garden was open to the snowy surface, where the temperature had dropped to freezing.

Why doesn't he turn around?

Kaoru knew he must have been aware of her presence by now, sharp and perceptive as he was… Yet Himura did not move an inch when she stepped into the chamber. His body, stoic and livid, barely lightened by the moonlight reflecting on the white-covered plains, seemed utterly numb...

He's been there for hours...

When she grew closer, she saw that his eyes, spread wide open, were ghastly riveted on the cold and colorless expanse stretching before them ...And the drops of blood, trickling from his old cruciform scar, as a stark contrast to his painfully chilled face.

"Kenshin... are you okay? "

" I... "

He tried, but when he parted his lips, all that managed to escape was the shadow of a moan. What remained of his voice just crashed into his lungs. This time, Kenshin Himura could not even bring himself to force a smile, in order to reassure the person he wished to preserve more than anyone else from the atrocities of his past...

... When the sheer violence of his souvenirs had hit his frame all at once, he had nearly choked.

Everything from the whole Bakumatsu to his brother in law's terrible revenge had brutally come to life. As his nightmarish puzzle finally fell into place, the labyrinth of space and time in which he had been cruelly entangled for weeks had suddenly unveiled its true outcome… And it was far worse than anything he could have imagined. Kenshin felt like he was reliving an entire existence of misery and savagery... in the mere blink of an eye. This was too much, far too much for one brain to process. Tonight he had felt his sword twitching again as it was pitilessly slicing through the immaculate body of his wife, witnessed the light disappear forever from the irises of the one person he loved more than life itself, gazed in terror at the corpse of his second lover disfigured by his own hideous scar and his unforgivable failure to protect those he held dear once more, pursued by the blood-soaked faces of all the lost souls he had murdered during the revolution, replaying out in his mind one after another in a horrendous parody...

Don't worry, I'll be fine...

He wanted to tell her.

I'll be fine...

Yet no word came out of his throat. Because he wasn't.

He was surrounded by the maddening smell of death. Drenched in blood, guilt and pain... Horrified by all the despicable mistakes that had brought him to this point.

Himura could hardly breathe.

He knew he would be better later on, when his body would have enough time to absorb all the suffering, when tons of water would have flowed under the bridges – he knew that. His memory already told him that he would eventually get over this ordeal someday too, long after Jinchuu, but... Now, right now, his organism was beyond the state of shock. His brain stunned, his stomach atrociously knotted, his breath entrapped in his lungs.

Kaoru took an alarmed step towards him. His breathing was abnormally fast and he was covered in a thin layer of sweat despite the icy air.

...Is he ill ? But he's eating almost normally now, and it's been a long time since I saw him throw up a meal...

When the young kendoka pulled a sewn tissue from her sleeve, wishing to offer Kenshin something to dry the old unhealed wound on his cheek first, she noticed that with his hollow eyes, riddled by sorrowful wrinkles, and the blood running down his face, like so many unshed tears... The wanderer just seemed infinitely sad.

Oh my… he had the same expression when he first met Enishi in Tokyo !

Kaoru suddenly realized what might be happening inside his spirit at this very moment... And if his memories really did come back to him all together in one stroke, then the aftermath had to be extremely difficult for one single man to endure. Himura looked sick to the core.

"It's okay, if you can't speak..."

For the time being, the young woman dared not to touch him, afraid of how he might react -he'd proven he could be highly unstable in the past, especially if he was in a state of mind where wouldn't recognize her. Instead, she decided to sit silently next to the swordsman until he found the strength to turn and acknowledge her presence.

I am here with you, Kenshin...

They lay next to each other, motionless, for an indeterminate time... Kaoru watching him from a chosen distance, Kenshin lost in his macabre vortex. Right now it was impossible for him to connect with the world around, but… somewhere through his tormented soul, in faraway places, he could sense Her amongst other somber visions... and little by little, she would bring some light into the hellish storm of his souvenirs. When the air finally found a way to his throat, a strangled whisper broke the silence.

"I -I didn't mean to... "

"Huh...? "

Kaoru shifted, surprised to hear him.

"I didn't mean to kill all these people... This one just wanted to... " he couldn't even stop to breathe "... create a new era where no one would experience what I did... "

His voice trailed off.

"Kenshin..." How could she answer this? "I know. We all know. "

"I didn't mean... to kill... her"

The swordsman had wrapped his hands around his head, his fingers now clutching the crimson locks. He looked like he was about to collapse.

"Look at me, Kenshin... "

Kaoru covered his palms with hers.

"...It's over. You're not a murderer anymore. "

This wasn't true. A part of him knew it, deep inside in this little dark box his brain had locked away a year ago. But Kenshin needed the lie at this moment.

"It's over... "she continued, lowering her voice as soothingly as she could, almost whispering in the dark room. "…You're living here now…"

Rising an hesitant hand, Kaoru cautiously approached the cross-shaped scar to apply the cloth she had retrieved earlier. She wanted to treat the sorrowful wound that had bled so much since Tomoe Yukishiro's death by herself. At first the swordsman didn't even flinch at her move, but when he sensed the delicate touch on his cheek, he finally turned his face to her. Violet eyes crushed by unspeakable pain were staring skeptically into hers. Himura realized that Kaoru was actually there.

"This... this one is... "

Abruptly, the wanderer stretched his arm and the young woman nearly lost her balance. He held her tightly to his chest as he let his forehead fall into the hollow of her shoulder, removing his face from anyone' sight. She could feel his erratic breath on her neck, his hand that had closed firmly on her shoulder blade. Kaoru froze.

"Go...gomenasai... "

For Jine-e, for Enishi, for all those who had kidnapped and wounded her just to hurt him.

"Gomenasai... "

For the number of times her dojo had been destroyed and then rebuilt, when her friends had been threatened by his fault.

"Gomenasai... "

For having left her for Kyoto and made her cry all the tears of her body, on a night of May filled with fireflies.

"Gomenasai... "

Despite the grief squeezing his ribs and shutting his voice, the wanderer kept on, endlessly trying to breathe out his apologies in a choke. Kaoru's heart broke for him.

" It was my decision to offer you to stay here…" Can he even hear me…? "You -You have nothing to be sorry for, Kenshin... "

This was belittling what had really happened, but what else could she say? As he still refused to raise his eyes to meet hers, she could only imagine the expression crossing the face that was actually desperately buried against her.

Lord, how he must suffer

"You don't have to explain yourself..." she whispered, tentatively placing a hand on his scalp. "Stop thinking about it, just let go for now, p-please..."

What words were to appease such a grief... ? As she didn't know what else to do, the young kendoka began to stroke his hair, gently sliding her palm over his head. Kenshin said nothing, but at the contact of their two skins, she heard him exhaling slowly. One by one, Kaoru began to carefully untangle the long ochre strands that had been damaged by months of convalescence and the little care he had granted them. While she was combing his locks, she could feel the muscles on his spinal slightly loosen, as if they'd been holding back this tension all along.

"Daijobu, Kenshin... "

The swordsman closed his eyelids. For a moment, all that could be heard was the sound of the wind rushing from time to time in the chamber and their two distinct breaths.

I'll have to close this shoji. I'm getting cold and Kenshin is freezing, but...

...Kaoru wouldn't dare to break this rare embrace. She didn't want to lose the fragile contact they had established for once. Kenshin always wanted to be the one comforting others, but was unable to seek help for himself. This awkward situation could be embarrassing and she did not want to hurt him further.

"Daijobu... everything will be okay... "

When there were no more knots in the red mane, she finally rested her hand on his shoulder, all the while continuing to murmur the same meaningless yet reassuring words. Somehow sensing her gesture stop, Himura increasingly wrapped his arms around her waist. Not ready to let her go yet. They remained in this position for a long moment, neither of them risking to move any further, until Kaoru felt his breathing becoming more regular, and the weight of his head less heavy on her thin shoulder. Then, his grasp relaxed somewhat and he smoothly withdrew his hand from her back, raising his face at the same time. The young kendoka instantly stared into violet eyes, worried. Although still strongly marked, they had recovered some of their clarity.

"...This one is fine. You can go to rest now. "

"Are you sure... ? "

"Yes..." A weakly, fainted, ghost of a smile. "Yes" he repeated "...It's ok, you can leave this one"

Kaoru felt her heart clench. She had seen him at his worst, both mentally and physically broken, and he would still force himself to smile for her. Sighing, she retrieved the soiled compress, his scar now completely dry.

"Try to find some sleep at least, Kenshin..."

As she was about to exit, she heard a murmur.

"Oyasumi-nasai, Kaoru-dono"

When she left his room, the young kendoka could not hold back the tears that were threatening to spill…

It was the first time in almost a year that she heard him call her by this honorific.

In the weeks that followed, the daily life here had gradually returned to its usual atmosphere. The kiais of the so-called kendoka komachi and her students were resounding again behind the wooden doors of the Kamiya dojo, much to the delight of their more discreet neighbors.

"Get ready! The tournaments against Maekawa Dojo will be held in September, and the qualifying rounds will start this summer! "

While shouting her instructions to the small troop of more or less motivated budding kendokas, Kaoru was happily thinking about the incredible evolution of her dearest host's condition.

He was a bit of a handful at first, but he's getting better and better...

Now that he had recovered most of his memories, she could finally see the features of the former Kenshin Himura - at least the wanderer they had come to know and like when they first met. If he still sometimes got the date wrong, it was only by less than a year now. He also still had some minor physical problems but had regained most of his cognitive and athletic functions.

...With this, I finally have more time for Kendo lessons!

Lately, the wanderer had even naturally resumed some of the activities he used to do on a daily basis before, such as cooking for them. Kaoru couldn't even begin to describe how good it felt to finally taste his meals again. Well, Kenshin would regularly forget where things were stored -he had to be reminded of this nearly every 30 minutes-, and he would sometimes switch ingredients for his memory was still a bit off (after all, who had never dreamed of accidentally discovering the famous flavor of sweet and sour plates?), but his dishes had the priceless taste of a return to normality... At this point, the wanderer could have cooked from mud -or worse, come closer to her own culinary style-, Kaoru would still have eaten it with the utmost happiness.

Just knowing Kenshin's back puts me in a good mood!

The gifted swordsman found happiness in the small acts of life. Focusing on a simple and repetitive activity had always had the power to ease his broken mind by centering it on concrete things. And he was finally getting his bearings after months of blind navigation and arduous rehabilitation... To perform ordinary stuff, that's all he'd ever asked for.

However, in a remote corner of his brain, a small blurry area would stubbornly remain hidden from his understanding...

Alone, in the midst of the tall bamboo trees of the forest where he could practice his fearsome kenjutsu away from the sight of others, the wanderer was deeply immersed in his thoughts.

He used to walk there when he was looking for peace and solitude. It was one of his old habits that he had gladly regained, along with the other routines he had developed while living in Tokyo - a luxury he had never known before, as he had never stayed in one place for more than a few weeks during his ten years of wandering. Secluded, surrounded only by the sounds and smells of wild nature, he could easily train or meditate here. However, these times of dedicated peace were also providing the seasoned swordsman with his fair share of reflections. If Kenshin finally had the sensation to be 'normal' again, at least more like his old self, something was yet bothering him...

He still felt like they were a year ago, as if that whole period had been swallowed into nothingness. He had a really hard time placing the events of the last few months, especially those that had preceded his blackout. Such inconsistency was starting to become an obsession in his sharp and focused mind...

...How did I end up in this situation in the first place?

To fall unconscious for such a long time, he must have suffered serious injuries... But which opponent could have been strong enough to cause them? Megumi had explained to him that comas could leave such gaps in one's memory, but that didn't quite convince the experienced swordsman... Why did he not have a single souvenir of it when everything else seemed to have gradually returned to his memory? Even though everyone around him was acting ordinary, something was off.

This one remembers going to the Saitama Factory for a mission that Saito asked me to join, and then nothing...

People told him that he had lost a lot of blood, but without dwelling on the issue… shouldn't such an incident have been significant to all of his friends ? They seemed embarrassed whenever he brought this topic up, the lack of precise answer having him quickly realize that they were most likely not telling him everything there was to know on the subject… And this had inevitably ended up installing a form of distance between them. Kenshin already had major trust issues with people when it came to personal matters, and he certainly didn't need this new thing to add to his current insecurities.

…But should this one really try to remember ?

The swordsman also recalled the last time his memories had suddenly returned to him, and this particular episode had been violent enough to shake his entire organism at that moment... That's why he didn't push them to confess if they didn't want to, convincing himself that the souvenir would come back to him anyway, just like the others did.

If this one has to, I'll go to the Mibu Wolf and ask him. He won't mince words with me.

Kenshin sat down in seiza on the cold grass, retrieving his sakabato from his belt to place it at his side. Once again, the touch of his weapon's hilt made him shiver uncomfortably, nearly raising the hairs on his arm. Here was another inconsistency... Why did he sometimes develop this inexplicable aversion to the contact of his sword? As if his body was rejecting it, or even protecting itself from it...?

This one's been carrying the sakabato with him since the end of the Bakumatsu... what's wrong with it?

He had yet lived, slept, and eaten with this blade against him for more than a decade… Was it related to his memory lapse, that fragment he was missing just before his coma? Every time he tried to think about it seriously, a severe headache would plague him, preventing the search from going any further. What was even stranger was that they would systematically hit the left side of his skull.

My body definitely seems to be aware of more than my spirit...

Kenshin couldn't help but shudder at the thought. Who knew what this shadowy area contained, when what his brain had unleashed before already revealed more horrors than a lifetime could hold?

...Is there something important that I'm still missing? What if it changed this one's situation completely ?

He couldn't bear the uncertainty any longer. If his body knew the answer, then he knew how to make his body answer.

I need to understand

Finally, that night, isolated amidst the rustling of the long bamboo, he gathered his courage and rested his unnaturally trembling hand on the hilt of his sword. The touch was so achingly familiar. It fit his palm perfectly. Kenshin executed a few motions, which flowed naturally, instantly becoming one with the old weapon as if it had never been out of his reach. The swordsman began to perform the deadly dance he had learned by heart, patiently, continuously, focusing on his sensations for hours that quickly flew away like minutes... Then, when fatigue began to pull at the very roots of his muscles, he finally paused to contemplate for another long time the weapon that had allowed him to become the one who was no longer an assassin. The wanderer who never kills. He turned it carefully, examining it from one side and then from the other... When, under the surprisingly ochre moon, a ray of light slipped along his blade, its steel edge briefly reflecting in his violine irises. Right away, the swordsman felt a deep pain in his chest, suddenly rising from a wound engraved in his body as if it had been waiting for that precise moment. As screams and distorted children's faces awakened before his horrified eyes, in the small corner of his brain that had remained stubbornly numb since his recovery, the terrible events of the last few weeks that had preceded his final decision, the one that had thrown his soul straight into The Beyond for the past year, surfaced at last in his tormented mind...

…This is... not... possible...

This was no nightmare.

The excruciating rain of chain blows that knew no beginning or end. The repeated injections into his flesh, poisoning his brain, so much that he could no longer eat or talk. The unspeakable desecration of his body. The ravaged kids who looked, cruelly, incredibly like the victim he had been in another era... Then the dismembered corpses that were piling up in a heap of shapeless dolls around him. The blind rage. The slaughter, the too easy slaughter. The mad murderer who was still living inside him and eating away at his soul like a tumor...

...He had been tortured, drugged, raped, then he had killed -no, butchered- an appalling number of human beings, before attempting to kill himself... and this was no nightmare.

For his mind, deprived of memories during the long coma, all of this had happened yesterday.

"Masaka..."

Depression hit him with the cruelty of an evidence.

It was as if his soul had been broken into a thousand pieces, only to be put back together again and again when he all that was left of him were just pitiful shreds. His dearly held vow was dead and buried, and with it, the death of his former wife had lost its meaning, just as his life of repentance had no reason to continue either...

And yet...

...If Kenshin Himura could survive the harm done to him, the damage he could do to others was unbearable.

...I'm still here...

This monstrous soul, trapped in a body that still refuses to die.

Why...?

His hand was shaking.

Why, am I still here...?

His blade, cutting his skin like mere paper.

...What have I become?

He focused on the pain, the only thing that still felt real to him at this instant. A recognizable, almost comforting incision, distorting the tissue of his forearm.

Do I still… feel… ?

He's watching the ochre liquid flow

All the people who are close to me end up dying in the end

…And dreams of death.

If I could do it all over again, far away from here...

I would kill myself too.

Over the next few days, while things still seemed to have gone back to regular for the inhabitants of the dojo -Kenshin had returned to most of his daily routine quite straightforwardly-, there was however a serious exception in the wanderer's behavior… He was no longer pretending.

That's it, I can see them clearly now. These eyes that do not smile...

Something had shifted recently and Kaoru didn't know what. The swordsman's presence was even frighteningly more withdrawn than before. He spoke little. Disappeared often. Spent longer moments staring at the emptiness. Despite his physical envelope performing the same customary tasks as always, the wanderer looked like a shadow of his former self. Kaoru was now aware that his attitude was but an act... If Kenshin would never express anything clearly to them, he was closer to an empty shell, similar to the one that had once failed in the Rakuninmura -according to her disciple.

He's moving away from us, just as he did… right before he...

Since the suicide attempt that almost cost him his life, his friends were no longer mistaken. Sanosuke stayed more often at the dojo. He tried, without much success, to take the redhead out for bets with his group of friend in the evening. Even Seijuro, the hermit, was still wandering around the outskirts of Tokyo... Only Megumi had to return to Aizu to take care of her patients now that Kenshin's body was cured, having left her recently opened practice too long without a doctor.

The young kendoka had tried several times to talk to the redhead, but he always pretended that he was fine, or that he would get better, or that it wasn't important. Which made Kaoru all the more suspicious.

I must not lose sight of him... He could leave us at any moment.

Kenshin watched indifferently as the hundred-year-old bamboo trees in the forest around him were softly bending and creaking under the winter breeze, yet never broke... and pushed the katana against his slender forearm.

The sensation of the blade on his skin somehow seemed... right.

Until then, fights had been the only moments in which he felt alive. As he was unconsciously pressing the blade on the same damaged spot, he then remembered that this night on the cliff, the blow that should have put an end to his agony had been deflected at the very last second. Unexpectedly shifted a quarter turn to its right, by a...

...a breath of Ki?

He stopped his gesture for a second. Who could have been powerful and perceptive enough to do such a thing?

Was it... Hiko ?

Himura closed his eyes sorrowfully.

He could not even face his master after what he had done. His ultimate act was a source of guilt, even deep shame in front of the man who had saved him as a child and given his precious time to raise him.

But...

His body was disgusting him.

Stained with the blood of his victims, soiled by the seed of his aggressors, treated as a slave from a very young age, then as a cold-blooded murderer and finally as a puppet of the new government that was sent to the most despicable battles to get rid of the undesirables of the system. These hideous labels stuck to his body like the cruciform mark on his cheek.

A slash on his skin.

And Himura could breathe a little more.

His mind was disgusting him.

Unable to escape from the slavers who used him, unable to defend the three women who rescued him, unable to follow the teachings of his master, unable to protect his first wife from his own violence or to make his new beloved happy, unable to keep his promise not to kill again... Unable even to end his own life.

Another cut, a little further along his forearm.

Not enough.

He felt so hopelessly bitter. He was so worthless that he wasn't even able to end with this stupid joke people called Life...

Worse, he had no right to die.

With her death Tomoe had forbidden him to die, with her life Kaoru was begging him to live.

One more, one more, one more.

He had to see his blood shed. He had to sense the pain because it was the only thing that made him feel even slightly better.

He needed to feel something, anything. Anything else than the misery in his soul.

…However, once enough blood had been spilled to make his head spin, only a great emptiness would invade the wanderer.

This is how Seijuro found him.

He was standing in the middle of the centenary bamboo trees, his head bowed, his katana in his hand... the sharp side of the blade pointing indifferently at himself. Hiko saw the blood trickling down his arm. Then he saw the cliff. The pale moon. The body on the ground, and this awful crimson pool spreading between the herbs, sucking the life out of him... The empty orbs of his disciple's eyes that night, the stifled grimace of pain on his face. The unbearable scene of his suicide instantly replayed itself before his vision.

"Stop..."

The thirteenth master of Hiten Mitsurugi clenched his fists tightly at his sides. The lacerations were far from harmful, it was self-mutilation at this point, but their presence spoke volumes about Kenshin's appalling state of mind.

Again...?

"Don't do this..." the master continued, his voice devoid of its usual authority.

He took a step toward his disciple, quickly cutting the distance that separated them, and without a second thought, placed his hand on the back that was turned to him to prevent any further move of the ill-fated blade. A large and strong hand carrying in itself all the determination, the strength... and the human warmth that he should perhaps have given him once.

"Don't do this... just don't." ... The last part of his sentence was barely a whisper.

...Still, Kenshin sensed his master's will with as clearly as a note echoing through the void of his soul. He felt the air leave his lungs. Two violet orbs, hollow and haunted, were drawn to the one who had taught him to survive when his life was no longer of value to anyone. Somewhere in the tumult of his tortured existence, for a few moments, a little boy was trying to paint the image of a father he had never known.

"Shishô... "

So many things were left unsaid between the two men.

It's too late...

Himura put a shaking hand over his face, hopelessly seeking to contain the emotions that were pushing to break free. As the disciple was staring intensely at his master, they were shamefully threatening to escape down his face. This was too late. This was all too late... At the corner of his eyelid, an undignified tear. Many more along with it, perhaps... He had no idea. Against the very man who had raised him, Himura was defenseless…

"I've... I've broken my oath... "

It was all he had left as a human being, after having been an obscene murderer. His oath, to which he had clung like an anchor to his boat. His arms began to tremble, bruising a crippled torso yet already burdened by the remorse he was so desperately trying to bury within.

"I know."

Usually hard and reserved, the master of Hiten Mitsurugi also felt something unfamiliar in the depths of his well-guarded soul, something he could not control... He was carefully watching under his black irises the man he had seen growing up ever since he was barely taller than a bokken. And witnessed, powerless, the absurd extent of his suffering.

What have they done to you there...?

As if he had heard the unspoken question, Himura shook his head, gritting his teeth. There was a souvenir he had hoped he would never recover… back there in the hangar that bore the obnoxious number 41, on its dusty wooden boards. It took no more than that for Seijuro to wordlessly understand what might have occurred during his captivity to push him to deny his convictions. Momentarily swallowing his own pride, the thirteenth master of the Hiten Mitsurugi gave in to a rare moment of weakness. He placed his hands firmly around his former student... and pushed redhead against his chest. If he didn't let it out, Kenshin would die rotten on the inside.

Never again.

…When he felt two strong arms finally grounding him, for the first time since the death of his former wife, Kenshin Himura saw his self-discipline shattering. Deep inside him, the abyss of sadness that had always been tightly contained in the agonizing void he'd become, started to stream freely down the oval of his scarred face, held back for far too long… He could not point out how or when, his wrenching screams just went on like a broken record.

"Please... "

Momentarily overwhelmed, he began to shake, moaning helplessly against Hiko's solid torso. In front of this man who knew him like no other, Shinta allowed himself to be for an instant the child who had once been stolen from him. To be anything other than the strong swordsman life had taught him to be.

"Please let me die... "

For once, he would indulge in a rare expression of the humanity that had been ripped from him before he even learned to walk, breaking the dreadful chains continuously muzzling the horrors of his existence, all the while suffocating in the sturdy embrace of his only master. The crimson blood that was drying on his arm did not matter. The two men stayed like that, in complete silence, until no more tears could flow. When he was finally able breathe again, the wanderer's body was still convulsing violently.

Sometimes the pain is insufferable, even for a man like him...

Seijuro waited patiently, as long as it took for the last tremors to fade, before he finally answered his disciple.

"...No." He let the loud silence that followed emphasize his word. "Never."

"No," he continued again, "you are not allowed to die. It's been a long time since your life no longer belongs to you, Kenshin. "

It belongs to all those who love you, whose fate are now tied to yours. Even if you give up on yourself, you have no right to let them go.

Hiko knew that his disciple, who was aware of the price of life more than anyone else, already understood the meaning of his words.

"If not for yourself, you have to live for the others"

No more words were needed.

"Now, let's go."

Seijuro started to lower his arms... But the redhead's hand was still lingering on him, faintly gripping his shirt.

"What...? "

"... I-I can't... "

Himura raised his face to his master's. His features were drawn, his gaze lost and shadowed.

"Not...yet"

He's exhausted...

"Don't enjoy it too much. " Hiko stated, caught off guard. His sentence came out softer than he meant - or is it the other way around?- "Next time I'll beat your skull for that."

Looking at him, to his eyes the swordsman here seemed almost as frail as the child he had once met in Edo era. Am I getting soft...? Seijuro grunted yet remained at his disciple's side. At the very least, I must be getting old...

"...Don't you think you should clean those wounds instead? " the master asked, examining the injured skin on his arm out of habit.

That'll leave another scar.

Not that himself wasn't covered in such already. Besides, most of them had been earned during his training many decades ago - who could ever hurt a practitioner of Hiten Mitsurugi if not another practitioner of this school?

"Or else, I know a young girl who won't be happy to see this tomorrow. "

"Tomorrow... "

The word sounded strange in his mouth.

"Yes, tomorrow. There is a tomorrow, baka deshi. Whatever you feel, whatever you decide to do next, you must go on."

"Tomorrow... "

Hiko could have asked him what exactly had happened that he day he had slaughtered the slavers like a butcher. What had happened this one night, in his brain... on the hill behind the damned woods of MinatoNoMieru-Oka. Since he had left him for the hell of the Bakumatsu, even... But no matter what he could say or do, he didn't have the power to take that pain away. And he wasn't exactly good at comforting speeches... All Seijuro could do was to be there, where no one else but himself could find him. And prevent the worst from happening again.

"The day will dawn tomorrow, Kenshin. And you will rise with it. "

Himura sighed and ran a feverish hand over his discreetly swollen face.

"This one will deal with all of this... tomorrow "

The redhead dropped feebly on his knees, then cautiously sheathed his sword before resting it on his shoulder and leaning against one of the bamboo clumps. Not even caring if his own blood was still staining the precious weapon. If the wanderer's eyelids quickly shut after that, his organism drained by the whole scene, Hiko -who would stay in the same forest not far away that night - did not close them at all.

So, he finally remembers what happened in Yokohama. It's now that his will to live is truly put to the test...

"I'm not that thrilled to see you again given the context, but... Welcome. " …was all the former Mibu Wolf had to say as his former opponent entered his office in the first rays of dawn. He didn't look too good with the dark circles around his eyes and his drawn features. "…At least, you seem better than the last time I saw you."

"Keep your opinions to yourself, Saito"

"So why bother coming all the way here…? " The policeman took a drag from his cigarette, glancing at him suspiciously. Word of his recovery had reached his ears long ago, so he expected him to show up here at some point. Himura never gave up on an ongoing case.

"This one... " the swordsman in him was somewhat ashamed to ask this to an ex-opponent when his own memory was failing him. Old grudges were dying hard, but Kenshin desperately needed some information, and he was certain that this man would not beat around the bush "...has to know what really happened, after the slave traders were arrested in Yokohama?"

"The whole truth, huh?" he was eyeing the redhead with curiosity now "What exactly do you want from me...? "

"Don't play with me. I'm not in the mood, Saito"

Has Himura ever been in the mood when it comes to working together...?

"Then you'll have to be more specific"

"Are the children safe? "Kenshin cut almost immediately

Of course, that would be Battosai's first question...

"They are... As good as they can be, given their condition. The lucky ones who had families have been returned, as for the others they've been... entrusted to orphanages".

"I see... " somehow a weight was lifted from his shoulders. Himura had never known what had happened to the kids after he had freed them, and this question had been nagging at him ever since the memory of that sordid investigation, which had begun with his departure for the Saitama factory, had come back to him...

"As for the details of what happened to them next, I don't know. That's out of my hands. "

"Um..." Kenshin nodded "...And the slavers? "

"Them?!" Hajime could not resist a sarcastic chuckle. "Poor fools... I can't say you left me with much to handle, unless someone knows how to talk to corpses! "

Himura didn't so much as flinch, so the policeman continued more seriously.

"…Anyway, there wasn't a soul alive when we arrived at the scene."

Except for one redheaded psychopath.

"And... What about..." Kenshin hesitated, obviously uncomfortable with the horrible tenor of what had happened there. He was not in a normal state of consciousness at the time, and was as unaware as much he was afraid of some of what the others had witnessed. In Kaoru's eyes, he had seen the reflection of a monster -something Himura would never forget. "...What about this one? "

"You...? "

"I've killed those men. Whatever slavers they were"

Saito took a moment to observe his former adversary. Even though he had wanted to hear those words from the honeyed wanderer's mouth for a long time, it gave him no satisfaction at the moment. Not when Himura didn't fight back.

"Ha! …Here's a rather pretty way to put it!" he laughed again, his golden eyes glittering with malice These folks have been downright butchered "...I've buried the file. Filed it as a 'self-defense case'." He simply stated, handing him the corresponding file away to back up his words. Though it looked anything but self-defense… "...It still took some convincing from the agents on the ground, who were quite impressed with your 'little performance', but for the rest... You've already provided great service to the government in the past, so this part wasn't too complicated. "

The wanderer slammed both palms on the desk in anger.

"I don't want this! "

"It's too late to complain, Battosai" the former Shinsengumi immediately returned to Kenshin his threatening look "...It's already been done and over a year ago!"

"This one should have been punished, or at the very least judged for his crimes! "

Himura was fuming. Nothing ever seemed to go the right way in this new society for which he had once sacrificed his sanity. If he didn't take things to heart as much as Sanosuke did in this area, he couldn't bear to get a free pass because of his background as an assassin, especially in matters of this nature.

"Huh... Don't you think you've punished yourself enough already? " It had come out of his mouth spontaneously, while a disturbing smirk was crossing his face. This was not fair of him and he knew it.

"Shut up" the swordsman hissed, amber eyes narrowing, "I bet you were laughing your smart head off..." Himura was hardly jesting, his fingers reflexively clenched on the hilt of his weapon. His emotions had been turned upside down over the past few days, and the last thing he wanted to do was discuss all of this with a past adversary like the Wolf of Mibu.

Fortunately for both of them, the former Shinsengumi did not push the topic any further. The atmosphere was as strained as a cord.

A minute passed and Kenshin closed his eyelids briefly, concentrating more on the matter at hand than on his personal feelings, trying to suppress the anger he felt rising in him far too quickly for his liking.

"I guess..." the redhead took a deep breath before speaking again. He was being rude, when this man, as unpleasant as he was, had actually helped him at a time when he himself had failed so miserably "...I owe you an apology. And thanks. "

Saito raised his eyebrows This couldn't have gone better... he gloated. Working with Battosai was always interesting.

"I don't care about this. Just try not to repeat your crazy show again... I won't be able to cover your back forever."

"Forever...?" he stopped at the word. The wolf was smarter than many men, and it was best to always be aware of his insinuations. Kenshin had fought him often enough to realize this "...What do you mean by that? "

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter now..." Hajime took a long -too long- puff on his cigarette, enjoying the alarmed look on his interlocutor's face.

"What? "

"Pffff. Do you really want to know...? "

"Spit it out, Saito, don't make a fuss!"

Battosai, as stubborn as ever…

"Well, this whole 'no killing' crap has always been completely ridiculous to me..."

Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this so much...

"...I couldn't swallow your sweet talk at first, but when I found you after the Bakumatsu, you were so insistent on that pathetic 'Rurouni who doesn't kill' fable that I almost believed it... You know, when I was in charge of evaluating you before eliminating Shishio, at Okubo's request..." he crushed the cigarette against the window sill of the police station. This conversation was likely to last.

"...But after that, as I became more and more involved in your affairs, I was able to follow the people you had fought and arrested. And believe me, reverse sword or not, some of them simply did not survive their wounds. And that's without counting all of those who were left severely disabled, which to me is a fate hardly better than death...".

That's when I realized that Battosai was in denial.

Kenshin was stunned.

"You... You lie"

"And why would I do that?" Despite the burning gaze upon him, the former Shinsensgumi did not budge "Explain to me; what do I have to win in the process?"

The wanderer clenched his fists fiercely, panic stricken eyes now riveted on the pupils of his interlocutor.

"...You can check this information if you want. Their autopsy reports are standing with the mission accounts, probably in one of those stacks of folders back there..." he vaguely gestured with his arm to the shelf behind him, where packets of colorful files were piled up. For once there's a point to keeping all this junk...

"That's..." Himura knew his former adversary. Saito wasn't lying. "...S-Since when did you know... Why didn't you tell me anything...? "

"What would it have changed... ? "

Unable to process what he had just heard, Kenshin was still frozen on the spot, staring at the policeman as if he had just announced the end of the world to him.

...Everything...

His interlocutor was still puffing on his cigarette, watching him very closely behind a desk full of papers.

It would have changed... Everything

"...Do you have any more questions for me?"

"This one..." the wanderer murmured, breathlessly "...No " was all he could answer.

"And so, what do you plan to do next, now that you're fully healed? "

The policeman went on, as if all this was perfectly normal.

"I don't... fucking know! "Himura hissed, reaching the end of his tolerance since the recovery of his memory, and all the atrocious revelations that seemed to just follow one another without interruption these last weeks.

"Well, it was nice to be of service, Battosai... Am I to understand that I shall contact you again if I hear anything new on the matter? Or have you finally changed your working methods to something more... efficient?"

"Go to hell, Saito"

And without another word, Kenshin stormed out of the police building.

Well, Himura's even less civil than me today...

Error was adding to error. Horror was adding to horror.

It's not even only a terrible mistake this one's made in a fit of rage...

Since the end of the Bakumatsu, since his pious oath to stop killing, people had died as a result of their fight against him. Even when using simple blunt force, with the dangerousness of the Hiten Mitsurugi techniques, the violence of the reverse sword strikes was still capable of causing fatal injuries. Trauma to the spine or above the skull, internal bleeding on the torso, crushing of the liver, or worse... the list happened to be quite long.

What an idiot...

He didn't know how he had ended up in this Izakaya. He had just left and walked straight ahead, far too disturbed to return to the dojo right now.

How could I not realize this...?

He had yet killed so many people before.

I'm so stupid...

He didn't even pay attention to the glass he was swallowing.

Stupid, and dangerous

One Sake became two, which soon turned into four, and he lost count of the ones after that...

When his vision began to blur and his head to tangle against the wooden table, his brain vaguely registered that it was time to go home.

"Where are you going, Kenshin...? "

He had just passed behind her like a gust of wind, and Kaoru hadn't even seen him all morning.

"This one's... going shopping. "

"Oh, great! " the young kendoka offered him a bright smile that remained unanswered "...seaweed is missing and perhaps some tsukemono too! "

Kenshin simply nodded. He was about to walk through the front door when she called out to him again.

"Wait, shouldn't you take the basket with you? "

"...Oro?"

He looked even more over the moon than usual.

"Oh... right."

The wanderer promptly grabbed the said basket and disappeared down the street without even meeting her eyes. He couldn't care less about groceries. So much was on his shadowy mind.

Kaoru as for her resumed her previous task, concerned about her friend. The swordsman hardly seemed to pay any attention to them today... She made a mental note to prepare lunch for him this afternoon to relieve him of his duties, maybe that would at least help him to relax.

"...So, what do you think of my baka deshi?" Hiko had asked her shortly afterwards, barging in from behind the young kendoka, surprising her again in the garden without the slightest warning sign.

Gosh! How does he always manage not to be heard with this size of his...?

"Even though he's away a lot, considering the situation we're starting from, I'd say he's still improving... He's returned to most of the activities he was doing before, I mean. His memory seems to have mostly come back to him."

Kaoru didn't know what else to say to the intimidating master, who was staring at her from his height with two piercing black eyes. He had folded his arms, clearly judging her and making no attempt to conceal it.

"Hmpf... So it doesn't bother you if he's intoxicated half the day? " Hiko retorted, as if he was merely stating the obvious.

"What...? ?! Are you sure ?"

He looks pretty normal to me, just more withdrawn than usual... ?

" What a useless question..." Seijuro replied, gauging with his hand the jar of sake that was hanging daily from his belt. Perhaps even more vital to him than food. "I never joke about alcohol."

How come… why did Kenshin…?

Kaoru was frustrated at her own inexperience. It took the XIIIth master of Hiten Mitsurugi less than five minutes to find out what was wrong with his disciple while she didn't notice anything about this... She was still young, and living with someone as complex as Himura often required her to mature faster in order to simply understand him.

"...Well I saw that he was distant, but... that's not so unusual from him lately, and given the context..."

*sigh* "There's not a good one in the lot, here…"

She better watch him more closely, or as I know my disciple she won't be able to tell the difference...

A part of him dreaded to go back to Kyoto as long as Kenshin was able to hide from his family how bad off he was. But the redhead had fully recovered his memories now, and he couldn't babysit him for the rest of his days.

What he decides to do from now on is not up to me... and as for what's left, there's not much I can do for him.

"Anyway, it doesn't really matter, as long as he keeps doing what he used to do here before..." ...and doesn't start killing every moving thing around. I much prefer for him to have a drink or else, whatever calms his nerves… "Now that my role here is over, I'll be heading back to Kansai soon. I don't want to stay in Tokyo any longer than I already have."

Like the other companions of the wanderer, he had left a number of things unfinished back where he lived so that he could rush to his disciple's bedside when he awoke. And it had been months since then... Even Megumi had returned to Aizu to take care of her patients since Kenshin's health was stable and he had come to his senses.

" I will be hitting the road in the next few days, depending on the weather."

It might be cloudy tomorrow, considering the sky…

"We can't thank you enough for your presence and advice, Master Hiko..."

"Well, don't get your hopes up. I did not do it for you."

Of all the disciples to take, why did I have to choose this complicated boy?

"…Thank you anyway"

With that, Kaoru bowed to the master.

...Sooo something wrong's definitely happened with Kenshin. If Hiko says he's been drinking.

She couldn't pinpoint exactly how long it had been... The whole memory recovery situation had proven to be complicated, but things seemed to have finally turned around, until perhaps the last few days...?

Since he's gone to visit Saito this morning, he looks even worse...

Another abnormal thing was to note, she had noticed that now, Kenshin seemed to be running away from his master more than from the others, almost as if he was uncomfortable with him... And Hiko wouldn't speak up about it either, which was all the more annoying... Had he recovered those horrible, last memories? The dreadful hangar where he had been imprisoned in Yokohama, the tragedy that had unleashed back there, his final decision on the cliff? Was he ashamed of his act in front of the former master of the Hiten Mitsurugi? Or did it only have to do with his visit to the police office and whatever that damned wolf could have told him...?

...Anyway, Kaoru immediately took Sanosuke into confidence. They had to confront Kenshin, the sooner the better. Or else, they would run the risk of this whole disaster happening again.

Anything but this

Later that day, the two companions were waiting for him after having had dinner on their own, racking their brain about how they could get the guarded wanderer to confide in them. It had been several months since he had been awake and no one had yet discussed this particular subject with him. Of course, the latter would never bring it up on his own.

We missed something in Yokohama, and it almost cost him his life... We can't just pretend that everything is okay even if he says so!

"Kenshin, can we talk for a moment? "

They were sitting around the fireplace, sipping a tea that had been prepared more for appearances than for any real desire.

"...Why?"

The wanderer's gaze was vague. He didn't seem to be interested in the conversation to come.

"...Well, you don't seem to be doing so well lately?"

"This one is fine "

"Jou-chan's right." Sanosuke immediately came to her rescue with his usual delicacy "…We can see there's somethin' eatin' at ya…"

"Has anything changed...? "

Their questions were met with utter silence. And two sips from his cup.

"I can't take this comedy anymore..." the former Sekihotai was not the man for convoluted speeches "...No need to be a freakin' genius to see that yare avoidin' us like the plague !"

"…This one is not. I'm just tired. *sigh* Anything else? "

Obviously not in the mood for small talk, Kenshin looked like he was already about to leave, that's why the young kendoka tried another way.

For better or worse, the boil must be lanced.

"Say, we've never discussed this together before, but I think it's important... " Kaoru was forcing the words out of her mouth. Seriously, no one wanted to talk about these events again. "...Would you mind telling us what happened that night?"

Himura closed his eyes.

"What do you mean by ...that night? "

So, he's gonna make it as hard as possible, huh...? Sanosuke tightened his grip on his poor tea.

"What happened after you left the hostel in Yokohama... Just before Hiko-san found you..." she couldn't bring herself to say it all "...badly injured."

For a long time, the muffled song of the Shiwasu wind was her only response. The wanderer was absently gazing at the surface of the liquid stirring inside the cup between his hands. He knew this question would come up sooner or later.

"This one... Doesn't remember it." The answer came without a shadow of emotion.

"...Really? "

That's possible... Kaoru reasoned, struggling to interpret the swordsman's indirect reaction... The fragmentation of memories can occur in major traumas ; Megumi had warned us that this could be the case in his condition, but... Is he really sincere?

As so often, the swordsman was unreadable. He kept his impassive face carefully neutral, a painful legacy of his practices during the Bakumatsu. Sanosuke shoved his hands into his pockets nervously.

" I bet ya know exactly what happened..."

So he's not willin' to share tha' with us either... no matter how damn serious this is

*sigh* "What do you want from this one...? "

"...I ain't buyin' any of tha' bullshit!" the former Sekihotai's irritation was now palpable "An' I'm gettin' sick of ya hidin' things after all th-"

"-I understand that it's not exactly pleasant to talk about it," Kaoru interrupted the brawler immediately, hastily digging her nails into his arm "... but don't you think it could do you some good? "

Kenshin swallowed the rest of his tea in one gulp.

"You're wrong." he replied, putting the cup back down. "As I've said before, I'm tired. I'm going to bed. "

With that he ended the conversation and rose without a glance at them. The wanderer retreated in the direction of what had been called his room for the past year, the land around him slightly unstable. His vision narrowing at its corners.

I don't want to be a danger to anyone anymore.

Unbeknownst to everyone else, it wasn't tea in his cup.

"...I can't believe he's doin' all tha sh*t again "

Sanosuke who had already reached the end of his short patience was about to hold the swordsman back, well determined to squeeze the information out of him if necessary, when he himself was abruptly stopped by the kendoka he had forgotten was still clutching his sleeve.

"You mean, avoiding to share his feelings with us? " she whispered, aware that the subject of their discussion might still be within hearing range "You know there's no point in forcing things with him..."

"True, he wasn't listenin' to anyone yet when he was entrenched in the Rakuninmura, even when usin' force..." Sanosuke slipped out of her grip easily. "...But he's ignorin' us again ; does this man still don't give a f*ck 'bout his friends ?! "

"I think he's just overwhelmed… " Kaoru tempered, lowering her voice "…He's probably got issues that go back a lot farther than we can see."

"If we can't reach him wherever the hell he is, then can't we pull him to us? "

"And how do we do that? That's what we've already been trying all along, and besides, he's always had a tendency to withdraw just to protect others from himself. "

"Yeah yeah..."

The two companions remained thus a few minutes side by side, each lost in their own reflections. Meanwhile, the sun was rapidly sinking outside and the temperature of the main room didn't show any signs of improvement. The former Sekihotai, who was beginning to tire, decided to end the matter for the night:

"...Well ultimately, if friends aren't enough to get him out of his hole it's gonna be up to ya, Jou-chan! "

"You're probably right, but... I'm not sure what to do?"

"Ya'll figure tha' out by yourself when the time's right. There's some stuff only ya can do, if ya catch my drift…"

Kaoru tried very hard not to blush at what his words could imply.

"Don't gimme tha' face Jou-chan, I'm not askin' you to jump on the man! " Sanosuke was not far from laughing. These two needed a push so badly "…Just allow yourself to bring him a littl' comfort when ya wanna, instead of always waitin' for him to reach for ya… I'm not sure he'd like me to come too close! "

Now she had turned bright red, clutching her cup awkwardly. Yes, she wasn't seventeen anymore, but… unlike the swordsman, she had no experience whatsoever in this regard.

" I- I agree there aren't many ways to get him to open up to others, but... Honestly it scares me a little" I can never predict how he'll react…

"Yeah. That's also why I'm here… so don't worry" The brawler made his way towards the guest room, stretching his arms as he yawned. He wouldn't make it back to the Ruffian tonight.

"I'll keep that in mind, Sanosuke"

I may have to... start all over again with Kenshin...

She didn't know how much he truly cared for her, but she was sure by now that she was more than a friend to him, enough for the wanderer to once say that the dojo felt like home to him.

I'm the only one he said goodbye to when he left us for Kyoto. The only one whose death had the power to put him in such a state...

Lately, he'd even taken her into his arms, showing a rare display of vulnerability... Even though sometimes, the sheer intensity of his reactions was frightening for the young lady, things seemed to be heading in the right direction as far as their relationship was concerned. And from what Megumi had told her after his fight with Shishio, she understood that it was up to her alone to heal his invisible wounds. Last year, in front of his near-dead body, Kaoru also made a promise to herself : no matter how long it takes…

I will make a clear step towards him, one that he can't ignore… I'm not a teenager after all, I'm the owner of my dojo now!

The brave young kendoka went to bed in turn, her spirit swarming with new ideas. Tomorrow, she would try something she had never dared to dream of before : a more personal approach.

...Except all she found on this foggy morning was an empty room.

"Kenshin...? "

His things were neatly tucked next to his futon. Only the sakabato was missing.

Kaoru clenched her fists around the tray she was holding, a lunch she had prepared early for him, in anticipation of the day she had planned to spend with the swordsman...

"No, he didn't..."

Although there was not even a note left for them, the message was clear.

He had taken nothing with him, except for his old purple scarf and his cursed blade. The former Ishin Shishi, who was not a materialistic person, had hardly collected any possessions during his stay at the Kamiya dojo ; nothing more than a white hakama and a warmer haori for the snowy seasons.

How dare he...

...She squeezed it so hard that she almost damaged the wooden handles.

" How dare he do this to me twice !? "

On a gray day at the end of winter, a day that looked like all the others, the redhead had left no trace of his former presence.

He was a wanderer.