#seriousnotes

With a kiss breathes life into curiosity, affection and soon it’s more than a raw need to satisfy a loneliness created by those who cannot love either of them. It turns into its own feeling and a simple desire to be in each others company turns into something deeper. He’s certain he’s always had feelings for the other. Infact, he knows why he’s denied it. He’s his teacher and he’s certain to ruin Izumi Sena’s future by giving into such a frivolous thing as love. 

He fights it. Starts to deny the other. Tries to drive him away and even intentionally refuses to wish him well on his birthday. He believes it will serve as the final blow and yet, that night as he sits alone in his own apartment looking over notes of his own he hears an unexpected knock. It’s firm, desperate, and at first he believes it to be Jin stumbling to his doorstep in one of his drunken stupors. 

Instead, opening it yields a sight that hurts as much as it chills him to the core. He’s seen Izumi upset before, but to appear crestfallen in his anger is the last thing he expects. To loath him, to avoid him until he graduates. That was a goal shattered the second he pushes himself inside, anger soon swept away by tears as a single question barely reaches his ears.

                     What did he do wrong?

it’s a slap to the face and he realizes the mistake he’s made the second it registers and processes in his mind. Izumi Sena believes this to be his fault somehow and though he closes and locks the door behind him he finds the actions aren’t nearly long enough for him to form sentences and words before the boy grasps hold of his shirt, pulls himself up enough for their gazes to meet– two kinds of anguish swimming in pools of ice and violet.

 He finds he can’t lie. Not when he looks at him like that and though he tries to put some space between himself and the other it does little good when Izumi makes up his mind. He’s not letting him go and they stumble back until his back meets the far wall. He’s not leaving without an answer.

❝I’m going to be what ruins you if you don’t let go and leave me, Izumi Sena.❞ his tone is terse, strain held in the words that quiver and quake like brittle leaves in a harsh wind. He wants to melt the anguish he’s caused, wants to right every wrong he’s put the boy through for weeks. 

❝You’ve already done that,❞ he spits venom and Akiomi’s eyes narrow. Dangerous and sharp it’s his turn to grasp ahold of the boy who dares to think this is the worst of it. 

Fingers catch fast and press against his face, sweep up into his hair as he holds him in place and for a moment fear yields to any anger he displaces onto Akiomi. His voice is a hiss, pained as he leans in, assertive and unyielding like the boy before him. 

❝You have no idea how fast I will ruin your future if I let this go on. I’m your teacher. You’re my student and if I give in to what I want you won’t last a month in the industry you’ve worked so hard to seal a place in. I love you, you foolish child.❞ His voice cracks and he leans down, his kiss firm, filled with anguish and passion. 

 It’s enough to still the boy, to feel moisture against his fingertips and the shuddering of a body that craves nothing but this. He knows that’s exactly what Izumi wants and it tears at him to be the one to ever hurt him when he wants nothing more than to see him smile. 

❝I love you. Do you understand?❞ his voice tears and cracks as he pulls back, lips so close they brush as he speaks, as he meets his gaze that mirrors the torn soul he holds in his hands. ❝I want nothing more than to guarantee your future. You’ve worked so hard to be something. Let me give that one gift to you.❞

❝I don’t want it,❞ a crass response, ruled by pure and raw emotion. ❝you think I can’t make that choice on my own? You think I’m not willing to try to fight for how I feel while you want to throw it away?❞ it’s a shrill yell, every bit of the banshee they tease Izumi at being. 

He tries to tear away, tries to shove and struggle. Akiomi’s not one to balk or break and it’s no surprise he ends up with his arms around the other’s frame, securing his front to his chest, to let the other struggle until be breaks into nothing but sobs and a shattered heart. 

❝Can you look at me and tell me you love me when I rob you of everything? Can you really blame me from trying to save you from throwing your life away for someone like me?❞ It arrives as a whisper and through anger and accusation it finally seems to sink past a swell of anger. 

❝You think I haven’t thought about that too? Why can’t I have you too? Why does it matter who I’m with?❞

They both know the answer and yet Izumi clearly yearns for a lie, the fairy tale. The happily ever after. 

❝I’ve done all I can to warn you, but your mind is made up, isn’t it?❞ 

Izumi looks up, and Akiomi feels his own resolve crumbling, chipped away by months upon months of falling for the one thing he shouldn’t fall for. 

❝For your birthday, all I wanted to do was to tell you I love you and…❞ he releases him,, catches Izumi’s hand in his own to pull it up towards his chest. ❝I wanted to ask you to risk everything as I want to. My job, my reputation at the academy. You wouldn’t be the only one to lose everything. You know that too, though. You’ve thought about it as I have. If you’re willing to be with someone like me then you need to realize what that means. If you do, then you’re welcome to stay.❞

They stand in silence for what seems to be a long time and with a huff, eyes puffy from crying he jerks his hand back, sticks his nose up high in the air in sheer defiance.

❝You owe me for ruining my birthday.❞ 

Despite knowing it’s true he smiles, hands easily pushing him forward and daring to be met with a look that could kill. 

❝I had every intention of celebrating your birthday with you until I realized it was too late. I’ve already made you a cake and if you’ll stay the night I’ll start making it up to you.❞ They’re some distance apart and yet he still holds his hand out for the other to take. ❝But understand, if you stay you’ve made your choice. It won’t matter if you leave me in the future, your reputation will always be plagued and ruined if you decide to be with me the way I want to be with you. Are you really ready to risk your hard work for that, Sena?❞ 

It’s clear he’s already made his mind up in kind. He’s tried to curb the flame, tried to bury how he feels for Izumi’s own sake. It’s evident he cares little about his career if it means having the chance to dance with the devil, but it seems the boy before him already knows what’s on the line. 

❝I won’t remind you again, push you away or treat you like this again. In turn, I hope you won’t regret this decision. My only regret is that I didn’t tell you sooner. You deserve the best and if you believe this is what the best is then please stay. If you don’t, I understand.❞

There isn’t a flicker of hesitation, not a moment of question as the youth reaches forward and takes his hand. It’s in those moments he realizes, perhaps for the first time, that he’s become more than a mentor to Izumi. He’s become his world. And just as easily, Izumi has become his. 

He thought today was going to be a good day. It was his birthday. The first birthday he’d get to celebrate with someone since he had left the model agency, his relationship with Makoto -and anyone he called a friend- broken into irreparable pieces.

he though he understood the magnitud of what they were doing; the consequence of their actions in the shape of dangers ahead, sacrifices they might have to make. He thought he understood and he thought he had took some distance from him. But he was wrong. he still fell in love, he still craved the contact and wished for the closeness. A plan to meet turning into hours of him waiting, the sweetness of lips a trap he couldn’t escape, the contact of hands a heat he wanted to be burnt by.

He loved him. To a point where he didn’t cared anymore if he had to risk the whole world just to have him. That he wished to be able to wake up in his bed every morning and to be loved thoroughly by him, until there was no part in him that wasn’t already his property.

A spiral of doom they were both caught to, he even forgot to worry, believing his feelings to be the same. How foolish he was -and how easy was that shown to him, the subject of his affections suddenly ignoring all contact and steering away from danger.

The birthday he had hoped to spend together for him turned into a grim reminder of his own loneliness, of how dispensable he was, not even worth the love of one man. As the day went by his own dark feelings taking over, he was desperate the moment he reached his door -unscheduled, unplanned, unwanted. He knew he was going to be kicked out, he knew he’d get nothing from trying but his heart screaming for him to try it.

He slammed the door with his hands until he heard the locks coming undone in the other side and stormed into the room, a rainfall of tears threatening to overcome him, body shaking like a leaf. What had he done wrong? What could he do better? Don’t leave him behind. Don’t abandone him. he can do better... He pulls him close... he interrogates him, spitting his thoughts before he even has time to process them, noticing all the things he has wanted to say but haven’t been able to. And he holds his breath.

He’s told he is loved, and his thoughts go wild. He struggles in the sudden hold of warm arms and whimpers weakly when he realizes he can’t break free -that he doesn’t want to break free. He’s comfortable in his hold -so much he can’t help but want to be there forever, and the tears soon dry out.

His eyes are red from crying -he can tell from the aching in them- when he finally looks up pleading for an answer. Yet refusing to hear any but the one he wants. He is still a child, believing in fairy tails and happy ever afters, but he is not ignorantly diving into it.

And when he gets the chance for it, he reaches out to that hand without hesitation. he loves him, probably in the same way he is loved, and he can’t agree to the faked justice that insists he shouldn’t be allowed to love him.