#sergeant shultz

     It hadn’t started this way.

     It started with LeBeau coming to his bunkmate and offering him a deck of cards to while away the hours while they prepared for their next critical mission from the Underground.

     “Would you like to play, mon ami?” LeBeau asked Newkirk.

     Newkirk had been sitting on his bunk, smoking a cigarette and leafing through a pamphlet he had swiped from Klink’s office a few hours before.

     “LeBeau, I’m a little busy at the moment, chap,” Newkirk initially protested.

     LeBeau refused to take no for an answer and continued to push his luck until finally, worn down and irritated that LeBeau wasn’t bothering Carter or even Kinch, Newkirk climbed down from his bunk and sat down at the table. At the same time, LeBeau shuffled the deck of cards and prepared the table for the game.

     “What are we playing, if you don’t mind me asking?” Newkirk’s eyebrow raised as he asked the question.

     “The game of War,” LeBeau announced as he handed Newkirk half of the deck.

     Newkirk snorted. “If you don’t mind, LeBeau, we’re kind of living through a war right now. I’m not sure-”

     “Oh, hush, mon ami,” LeBeau interrupted. “Forget the troubles for a little bit. This is just to help us unwind and focus on the task at hand. Now, come on, lay down your card.”

     It continued for twenty minutes like this: Newkirk laid down a 10, LeBeau confidently preparing for a card and laying down a 6. He would shrug, and get the next card ready with Newkirk somehow laying down a higher card than LeBeau’s card. LeBeau would protest slightly, then simmer down and prepare for the next card to lay down and-

     “C’est scandaleux!” “It’s scandalous!” LeBeau shouted indignantly as Newkirk again played a higher card.

     ”Now, Louis, please,“ Newkirk started almost calmly while LeBeau started another round of protests.

     “Nous ne sommes plus amis!” “We are not friends anymore!” LeBeau continued, throwing his beret at Newkirk.

     “Alright, where’s the fire?” Hogan stormed out of his office towards the two bunk mates arguing over the table, specifically over the cards splayed out on the table.

     “Might want to stay away, Colonel,” Carter stepped over to stop the colonel’s advances. “It could get ugly.”

     Hogan looked at the younger man and turned his eyes to the two other men in his command, arguing like children. They almost sounded like brothers arguing over who needed to use the phone more to call their date. Hogan shook his head and started raising his voice to be heard above the rabble when the outside door opened.

     “What is going on here?” Shultz’s voice boomed over the sounds of LeBeau and Newkirk’s arguing.

     ”Shultz-“ Hogan started to answer when another shout of anger from LeBeau cut him off. Hogan turned back towards the two fighting (“They’re fighting like toddlers!” Hogan thought, amused) and raised his voice again. “Alright, listen!” When that didn’t work either, Hogan turned back to Shultz.

     Shultz rolled his eyes a little bit. “Can they please stop shouting so much, please, Colonel Hogan?” Shultz whined.

     Hogan shouted one more time to be heard above the racket in the barracks. He waved his arms above his head to be heard and seen. When the noise had diminished, Hogan cleared his throat to be heard.

     “What has gotten into you two?” Hogan asked sternly, not unlike a father talking to two of his young, misbehaving children.

     ”He cheated, Mon colonel!“ LeBeau shouted, pointing angrily at Newkirk.

     Hogan looked at Newkirk, eyebrows raised. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

     Newkirk shrugged his shoulders. ”Well, Colonel,“ Newkirk began. “I was minding my business, see, and LeBeau over here came up to me and asked me if I wanted to play War with him. A children’s game, if you ask me,” he added quietly. He cleared his throat and continued. “Anyways, I was minding my own business, playing the game as God intended, and LeBeau started yelling at me that I was a cheater!”

     “Because he is a cheater, Mon Colonel!” LeBeau shouted indignantly. “He held onto his cards longer than necessary and he-”

     “Alright, cool it,” Hogan’s even tone cut off LeBeau. Hogan turned to Newkirk and arched an eyebrow at him. “Both of you know better. You’re grown men. Behaving like-” he stopped, then looked at Shultz, who was nodding along to Hogan’s reprimanding tone. “Getting an earful, Shultz?”

     Shultz turned to the colonel standing in front of him, who had crossed his arms over his chest in the time it took Shultz to register that Hogan had spoken to him. “Ah, yes,” the tall German said. “I will go make my rounds.” He offered a salute to Hogan and the men, turned dramatically, and left the same way he came in.

     Hogan turned to his men after the German guard had exited the building. “Now that he’s out of the way,” he settled in next to LeBeau and Newkirk. “Is everything set up for tonight?”

     LeBeau nodded, a sour look on his face. “Yeah, we got it all set up.”

     Hogan nodded once. “Now, do you think you two could apologize to each other?”

     Newkirk opened his mouth to protest, but Hogan cut him off. “You’ve hurt his feelings. Apologize to him.”

     LeBeau sighed. “Je suis désolé, tu es toujours un tricheur.” “I’m sorry, you’re still a cheater.” LeBeau offered a smile afterwards.

     Newkirk looked at LeBeau, unsure. Did he apologize? Did he mean it?

     “Newkirk, it’s your turn,” Hogan urged.

     “Alright, alright,” Newkirk huffed. “I’m sorry, old chap. Can we be friends again?”

     LeBeau offered another too syrupy smile. “But of course, mon ami,” he said. “After all, it is just a game.”

     “If you’re both finished,” Hogan began again. “Let’s finish planning the final details for tonight.”