#serasdiary

I’ve fallen in and out of love. In 6 months.

It’s been a month since he decided I wasn’t for him anymore, and honestly I still feel like its the day that he told me. My heart can’t find the will to move on even after all the disgusting acts he’s done to hurt my feelings, major and minor, all of these motives to keep me hanging on? 

Or just so I can’t move on? How can someone you give your whole self to be so cruel, so easily.

The way I’ve been treated should make me hate him with a passion, but there’s tiny part of me that hopes he’s putting on an act so that I will hate him, so that I CAN move on. Instead, I sit here and refuse he is the same; charming, funny and mischievous man that made me believe, love could be a possibility again.

How do you deal with a heart break you don’t understand as I’m slapping on a brave face around friends, showing them the carefree individual who doesn’t get affected by her emotions. The reality is what you’re reading. I’m not coping. 

The person who turned my head in February that you read about, this is him. He made me quietly excited for love, it was refreshing to have someone so into you without worry, and then they tell you they aren't. How does my heart deal with the denial?

“You’re everywhere, except right here, and it hurts” - Rupi Kaur

Not So Happy Valentines Day

Okay, that might be a little dramatic but it’s my second year being single on this fateful February 14thand I’m still getting used it. Don’t get me wrong darling, I’ve never cared for today in the slightest as you should love someone fully and with your every being each day, it’s just easier to get swept up in everyone else being loved up with their public declarations of love. You can’t help to want someone to surprise you, with an “I love you” or a single rose. As I’m writing away at 22:55, I have someone in my mind whom I want to say the words “Will you be my Valentine?”... except I’m terrified of the answer, of being rejected.

It takes a mixture of bravery and willingness to let yourself be hurt by offering your heart to someone. To ensure I have no regrets this year, I will message him before midnight and say those words because we agreed to confident together. (Even if it scares the living lights out of me!). So while that’s in the back of my mind I have several layers of good news! Here’s the mini list, in order as of the amount of excitement I’m in:

1. Holiday to Thailand 2. 40 Hour Assistant Manger in Training Job 3. I lost 1 kilo in my bid to get fit

In detail, for some reason my lovely father decided I should meet them in Thailand when they stop over on their way back from Australia, therefore I get a free weeks holiday. (No complaints here as I’m half Thai and it’s basically home). Yay sunshine to look forward to! Secondly, I said from the beginning I wanted to focus on a full time career, something that I can sink my teeth into and enjoy. This role popped up, and after a 2-round interview process I got the position! I start on the 22nd February and finish my current job on the 17th February, lovely little break in between.

Lastly, this I’m not so bothered about as I’m not actually trying to lose weight per say, I’ve been attempting to get to peak physique and more athletically built. I love both food and gym, I just can’t seem to balance them in the correct way to see results. On a side note my lovely, I just saw something on Facebook that HE has posted, and well there’s not really a need for me to say anything as it’s clear that I’ll never be seen in that way by him.

So this little lonely heart will wait until next year, maybe then I will hear those words by someone, maybe even by you.

I respect all bartenders.

That is one job we all think “I could do that, it’s a piece of cake!” Well I’m here to advise all of you confident believers, the other side of that bar top is so much more work than you know. There is a high expectation to produce drinks at a certain rate, (Now this does apple to a club/cocktail type of bar). Who knew you have a time limit of 2 minutes to make a single cocktail?! I honestly think that was the most stressful 2 minutes of my life, and I had to make around 30 in my first shift. Trying to memorise that many cocktails and shot types/amounts was unique. (As a non alcohol drinker). It’s safe to say, you’re girl will not be returning behind the bar ever again, I did make that quite clear after that shift!

Good news though, I had an interview for an American style steak house waitressing job, only went and bagged the job straight away. BUT, I do have an upcoming full time Assistant Manager position that would be full time hours! (I know, I know), we won’t get excited yet but my dear, just imagine if I do get this job. It will set me on a course to achieve all that I plan on doing this year and more hopefully, it depends on how this interview goes. I suppose I should mention that it’s not as though I’m unhappy at my current job, I do love the job..it’s more the people that are the problem. Oh and hours!

Something new and unexpected has happened amongst all this interviewing, I have dated casually here and there where none of it has gone anywhere and I’m left disappointed. Now out of the blue my head is being turned, don’t worry I’m being cautious, I’m trying to keep the whole thing at arms length because the thought of being hurt again is enough to make me stop dating completely.

To end, don’t ever let yourself feel obsolete or compare yourself to someone else, we are all individuals, you will learn how to get out of bed with the same striking uniqueness as them.

Say hello to My Office/Art Studio/Dumping Ground for unwanted things.

I'm so sorry my darlings, I've been meaning to write but this week has been full of mini meltdowns I couldn't bare to sit down and write, perhaps it could've been therapeutic but I wouldn't know the words. As for now though, I can easily explain why I had such.. episodes, it's all down to money. (I'm sure you might feel how I'm feeling around this time of year). Money keeps the world running and it was the root of my meltdowns. The pressure to be a proper adult as such, a mid 20-something should have or begin to formulate the following:

* A stable income * A good credit score * Savings toward a mortgage * Full time career

I have none of the above. I went from having all of the above to the start of last year up until this point using all of my savings, my dream career and more. Which is why I have decided to change all of that by applying for bar/waitress jobs, where I will start my first shift at one of them on Friday. You have to be prepared to be stretched thin, be tired and work hard. At the end of it all you'll eventually be able to relax and even enjoy some of your extra hard cash by treating yourself.

Don't focus on all the bad is what I tell myself, refocus your mind to "What are you gonna do about it?"  Like I've said before, have your mini meltdown, then pick yourself up as best as you can and start anew. In my case, it'll be working damn hard to save some cash as well as looking for a full time career I can really sink my teeth into!

Now, we get to that part of the entry where I say my farewell, so remember to be kind and be happy, as you are the reason I keep going.

Today is Blue Monday. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.

Some see it as a hoax for holiday companies to rake in extra cash. Some believe the time lag between December and January pay days catch up. And me? I call bullshit. But, as I’m sat here thinking with my tea, I totally get it. UK weather lived up to expectations of rain, I made 1 booking at work and my optician informed me that I need new glasses as well as contact lenses. (With what money am I meant to purchase these?!). How do you feel about Blue Monday?

After work I spent roughly 30 minutes at the gym before thinking, “Sod this I’m so not in the mood”, instead of working the hell out of my frustrations. I promised myself before New Years, love yourself and don’t give up, YOU can make yourself happy.

Tonight I watched a comedy and gave myself the chance to laugh! I’ve said lets cheat my diet tonight and have some cheeky milk chocolate digestives (To my non-UK reader, you have not LIVED without trying these), I had a dance in the kitchen to my favourite song. I refused to let myself slip into a depressed state which can come so easily, if not unchecked. Now some might think, that’s me just faking or a temporary fix, well, yes it possibly is. But I’d rather let myself have half an hour of happiness than spend the evening quietly crying away.

Remember, we promised each other at the start of the year (Or the 13th) to not let ourselves slip. We will achieve all our goals. There will be the days where you do throw in the towel, that’s okay, but I beg you, don’t fall completely off the wagon. Have your mini meltdown and then refocus your mind the following day. Push yourself harder. Tell yourself that you’re boss. Only you.

Final words: Trust yourself with your decisions, if you think “I shouldn’t”, ask yourself would you regret it in; 5 minutes, 5 months or 5 years from now? If not, then FUCK IT!

Day 14 in the Big Brother house. She’s still writing.

Having a day off from work on a Sunday has always been a bit odd for me, I feel like doing nothing and something at the same time. I suppose it’s one of the downside’s to working part time ( Anyone else on 16 hours know my pain?), you tend to find theres too much time to do things but not enough to ACTUALLY do anything. 

Instead I’ll fill the time with working out, watching Peaky Blinders ( I’m completely obsessed...that Tommy Shelby ugh) and texting people half heartedly. Do you find yourself turning on the TV or putting Netflix on but instantly begin scrolling on your phone? I remember reading something about we do that to fill the void of silence, so we don’t feel completely alone...

With that in mind, I’ll let you in on a secret about me, I don’t quite know how to tell people how I feel face to face. I grew up in boarding school, lived around the world and never really phoned home when I was away. Why? I’m not really sure. I suppose, you could say I’ve gotten so used to “dealing” with my issues solo...I find it difficult to show people how I truly feel.

Like you, my anonymous reader, I find outlets within writing and painting and music. Because, as humans we must find a coping mechanism, to deal with our  individual heartache. In one way or another. 

Anyway! What has she done today you ask? I woke up late as I had a late night thanks to a certain male sending me, well, explicit photo’s ( A girl has needs, no judgements please) and things got rather hmm...steamy. Washed up, got myself a lovely brew of tea and started my day with an assignment on Strategic Business Management. Nothing too exciting, although I could go into detail of how my lecturers were all fired so my 1 year course is now 2 years!

Remember, you are so very unique and so very important to someone. Never let yourself think otherwise, my love.

So I’m 13 days late.

I did think of getting an actual diary to write in physically, but each time I’ve tried before (like most people’s new years resolution’s) I would surely stop writing within it in a few days.

So here we are, an online diary, for the world to see. Hi there if you’ve stumbled upon me (I’m sorry in advance), this won’t be a daily dairy as you can see by the date. A little bit about me? So I’m an awkward tall female who’s 22, cannot drive, single, I work in travel, gym attempter, tend to not reply to messages and post half my life on snapchat.

But back to what this was for; why now? why this year? what’s different?

I feel like, this is the year I do a lot of the things I’ve been too scared to do, or too wrapped up in dating or friends to even try. Unfortunately I tend to get so absorbed in caring about everyone else, my own needs get left behind…

WHAT do I want to achieve this year….well this:

Pass your dang driving test!!

Do 5 push-ups (don’t ask)

Find a way to LOVE my career

Paint more, it’s what you love remember?

See those places on your bucket list!

Find a way to forgive her.

Build a credit score because adult life won’t wait for you!

Don’t wait for that one great love, love yourself first..

I suppose it goes without saying, most of this might not happen, but I will certainly try to achieve at least 50% of this list. I just wanted somewhere to keep track of how I get on as I reflect on 2017, I see it as the year that things went wrong. A lot of tears were shed as my heart was broken several times by various people/scenarios in my life, yes I’m only 22 and it may seem dramatic but, how do you expect someone to paint on a smile when their heart is struggling to keep up?

Alas, it wasn’t all bad as my friends are the ones who helped say good-bye to 2017 and HELLO to 2018! I am so very grateful to each and everyone of you. I will leave this post with this:

If you find yourself with tears that you didn’t expect, talk to the one person you know who would listen, as they will never be too busy, they will be there for you.